Fifty shades of regrets
by KMSxoxo
Summary: When Christian get's his girlfriend Anastasia pregnant, when they're only 16 years old, he pays her to get an abortion and get out of his life. When they meet later when they're 21 how will they react to each others secrets. Did he get into BDSM? And did Ana really have an abortion? Will they fall in love again, or will they walk away from each other again?
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: This will be the prologue to the story I have in mind. If the respond to the prologue is good, I will continue to write on it. Let's see what'll happen.**

_**Prologue**_

**Christian's POV**

Love. That is a concept I don't understand. I see people fall in and out of love all the time. Well I see Elliott falling in and out of love. Somehow he's in love with the idea of being in love.

I don't need love; I have given up on the idea of love. I'm 21 years old and I've given up, isn't that tragic? No I don't think so.

I've been in love once, and if I'm completely honest with myself, I still love her. _That's _tragic.

Anastasia, god I love the name. I love the person, and I hate myself. Ana was my math tutor. I didn't even need help in math, just wanted to be close to her. Throughout high school I was kind of a loner, and she was a geek. A very beautiful geek and I wanted her.

She was my tutor for 4 months without anything happening, and the end of the school year was coming sooner, than I would've liked. We had studied all over Seattle, at school, at my place, at her place; we were at diners, IHOP in the mornings. We spent all that time together and still nothing happened.

I was so head over heels, it was a new feeling for me, but I liked it. And I thought she had feelings for me as well, and I was right. One night my parents were out at dinner with Mia, and Elliott was at college, and we were all alone. We started with studying, and then more happened. We had studied for 2 hours, and had gone through everything we could go through. But I wouldn't say goodbye, so we decided to see a movie.

When the movie was almost done, we were half sitting and half lying on each other, leaning towards the middle. I was holding her hand, and rubbing my thumb over her knuckles. She was looking up at me smiling, her sweet smile. We both closed the distance at the same time, and our lips collided. It was an amazing sweet and gentle kiss.

Before I knew it I had dragged her on my lap, and we deepened the kiss. It was perfect and I wanted to take it to next level. I tugged at her shirt hem, and tried to lift it, when she stopped me. She was so nervous, and told me she had never done _it_ before. I kissed her again, and told her I had never done it either. There we were 16 years old, and losing our virginity together. Just the way I wanted it.

We went to the bedroom, all giddy and ready. Since neither one of us had done it before, I guess we were really nervous, but we wanted it. We kissed, and kissed and oh god how we kissed. We were all over each other, and we kissed full open mouthed, it was wet and hot.

We laid there naked, just looking at each other, observing each other, memorizing each part of our bodies, and touching each part, kissing all over. Then I was on top, and looking in to her beautiful eyes, as I slowly entered her. My tip in and out of her, after a while when I felt that she was ready for more, I tried going deeper. But her virginity barrier kept me for going deeper, inside her. I kissed her long before I whispered 'sorry' as I slammed into her. She cried out in pain and I felt so bad for her, there I was enjoying it, and she was in pain. I stilled inside her, till she told me it was okay to move again.

After a few gentle thrust, she started to enjoy it. Still I could see she didn't enjoy it as much as I did. But she didn't complain. And I made her come. God when she came, she screamed my name out. Hearing someone screaming my name out in pleasure, was such a turn on. Hearing _her scream_ out my name in pleasure, made me come so hard.

I stayed on top of her as we both got our breaths back. We were both breathing heavy, after our amazing love making. I knew it then, and I know it now. I was, and still am in love with Anastasia Rose Steele. That was our first time having sex, and it was so amazing, and we were amateurs. So when it was so amazing the first time, I couldn't imagine how it would be after a few times.

At school the next day, we couldn't stop looking and giving smiles to each other, when we had classes together. And we sat together at lunch. We started hanging out more, going to diners, without the math books, going to movies, holding hands, and kissing every now and then. We didn't have an opportunity to sleep together again. My parents didn't go much out, and Ana's dad was always home. Plus Ana didn't feel comfortable doing it in the car.

It went a few weeks; my math grade went up, just in time before the summer was coming. Things were great between Ana and me for a while. We hadn't told anyone. I think people saw us at school, but hadn't told our parents yet. My mom met Ana once, as my tutor, not my girlfriend. Anastasia was my girlfriend. But then she became distant. Every time I kissed her she pulled away. When I tried to take her hand, she took it out of my reach.

She was going to breakup with me, of course she was. This was too good to be true; she was too good to be true. She told me we needed to talk, and that never sounds good. We went to our diner, where we always ate; she brought me to _our_ diner, where she was going to _breakup_ with me. A Text would've been better. I remember that as it was yesterday.

* * *

_-Flashback Start—_

_I just arrived at the diner, nervous as shit. I can see Ana sitting there, I see her through the windows. I stand just looking at her, savoring the look of her. This might be our last date. She turns her head and looks me right into my eyes. She looks scared, and vulnerable. She waves, and I go to sit beside her. I take her hand, and hold it tight as we order our specials. When the food arrives, I start eating. I look up at Ana and she's just moving her food around. _

''_Ana what's wrong? Are you okay baby?'' she looks up, and I can see the tears that start forming in her eyes. ''You can tell me.'' I take her hand again, and hold tighter and giving her a reassuring smile. She looks at her food and doesn't answer, and I slowly see a tear fall down her face. ''Anastasia tell what's going on, you're scaring me.''_

''_I'm pregnant, Christian.'' I let go of her hand, as if it burned me. Pregnant, she can't be pregnant, we used protection didn't we? And it was one time; we have only had sex one time. Pregnant, we're 16 for fucks sake, soon turning 17, but we're too young. I don't even want to have children, at least not at 16. We would ruin the child. God, oh god, let this not be happening. ''Christian?''_

''_Get rid of it.'' I say, I don't want this to be happening._

''_Wha… what?'' I can't look at her, I can hear the hurt in her voice, and her face must show the same emotion._

''_Anastasia we're too young, and it would be the best for the child.'' Of course it would be best for the child, no child would be good with a father like me, someone as fucked up as me. _

''_Christian… I... I can't Christian.'' I stare at her in horror. Can't? ''Christian I love you, we can make this work. I love you.'' She loves me? This is the first time she has said it, and I want to say it back so bad, but not while we're discussing this. _

''_Ana we can't.'' can't she see it? Can't she see how bad this really is? _

''_I'm not having an abortion, and I can't believe you're suggesting that.'' Why can't she believe it? I can't believe she wants to keep it. _

''_I'll give you my savings, and I want you to get rid of the child, and get out of Seattle.'' What did I just say? I don't mean that, I love you, but I can't do anything about it now. She looks hurt and angry, angrier then hurt, and a little confused. _

''_I'll leave; I know my dad got a job offer in Montesano, so now I can tell him to take it, as for your money. I. Don't. Want. It.'' She said through gritted teeth. _

_-Flasback End—_

* * *

She left Seattle, and I gave her my saving money. She had the abortion and left with 25 grand. I can't believe I chased her away, the girl I'm completely in love with, how can I ever love again? Some people may say we were young, naïve and that high school sweet hearts never lasts, but we would've. We would've made it work.

After Ana left, I was so out of it. I started drinking and skipping school. My life went one way, and that way was down. I was ashamed over myself. I still think I made the right decision on the abortion, but not on making Ana leave. My parents were so out of it; they didn't know how they could help. They told me I had to get my shit together, and told me I would start working for one of their close friends Elena. Just doing what she asked me to do, and don't give her attitude.

I was sure Elena would want me to do the cleaning in her home, and all that boring stuff, but I learned different after only a few times. She wanted me, she wanted to fuck me. And she did, in all ways. She showed me how to fuck, and how to submit to her. It was fucking hot. I have fucked ever since, never made love to another person. After a year of submitting to Elena, I wanted to be the dominant, I liked being her sub, but I felt like I was ready to be in control for once.

Because of Elena I got my shit together and graduated from high school with only A's and B's. The plan was for me to go to Harvard, I got accepted, and my parents were really proud of me. But I changed my mind, I didn't want to go after all, I wanted to start my own business, I had all these ideas in my head, and I knew I could do it. My parents were so disappointed. And they wouldn't give me the money I needed. They didn't know what I did with my savings; they just knew that suddenly my 25 grand was gone, so they thought I just gambled them away or something.

Luckily Elena believed in me, I had to tell her my ideas and how I would work. She gave me 100 grand and that's how I started Grey Enterprises Holdings. Here I am 5 years later, and richer than ever. I still have a long way till I'm where I want to be, but I'm a self made millionaire at 21, and I'm proud of it.

I stopped subbing for Elena, she thought me how to be a Dom, and now she provides me with submissives. I have them for about 3 months then I get a new one, sometimes sooner, never later. 3 months that's it. And if one of them wants _more_, then they can go fuck themselves. There are things I'm proud of here in life, and things I'm not. But isn't that just how it is? That's life. Right?

I'm late to my parents for lunch, and I'm soaked, it rains like shit out here. Elliott is bringing his new girlfriend over, and mom said I have to be here, so here I am. Yay!

''Mom, I'm just changing be right back!'' I yell out as I run upstairs to my room, to shift from this wet suit to something more comfortable. As I head over to my room, I see my doors open. And the closer I get, I see someone standing there, all long dark hair, softly touching my bed. ''Who are you and what are you doing in my room'' I ask angrily. Why is there a stranger in my room?

I see the person tense up, as she slowly turns around to face me. I gasp when I see who it is. It's the one person I thought I would never see again. She's more beautiful now, and she looks a bit bigger than before, not fat, but healthy. I feel my heart jump as I look at her, at my beautiful Anastasia Steele.

**A/N: So what do you think? Please review and ****tell me, if you want more. **


	2. Chapter 2

_I'm late to my parents for lunch, and I'm soaked, it rains like shit out here. Elliott is bringing his new girlfriend over, and mom said I have to be here, so here I am. Yay! _

''_Mom, I'm just changing be right back!'' I yell out as I run upstairs to my room, to shift from this wet suit to something more comfortable. As I head over to my room, I see my doors open. And the closer I get, I see someone standing there, all long dark hair, softly touching my bed. ''Who are you and what are you doing in my room'' I ask angrily. Why's there a stranger in my room? _

_I see the person tense up, as she slowly turns around to face me. I gasp when I see who it is. It's the one person I thought I would never see again. She's more beautiful now, and she looks a bit bigger than before, not fat, but healthy. I feel my heart jump as I look at her, look at my beautiful Anastasia Steele._

* * *

**Christian's POV**

I can't believe she's here, here in my room, again. How long has it been, 4 years? She looks more beautiful now, and I didn't even know that was possible. She has long brown hair, and the most amazing blue eyes. I've dreamt of those eyes so many times. She looks absolutely stunning.

God how I missed her, and she's here. I try to keep my hands to myself, but she's just so perfect. 3 long strides is all it takes, then I have her pined to the wall. And I'm kissing her, she tastes amazing, I've missed kissing her. I never kissed any of the subs, so I can't compare, but I know Ana is great at it.

Shit the subs, I'm cheating if I'm kissing someone else. I've only had 3 subs, and the one I have now, her contract is done next week but still. I have always made it clear that I'm monogamous in relationships. I give her another chaste kiss, before I break our contact.

''I'm sorry…'' I say breathy ''it's just…you…you're here, sorry.'' She looks flushed, and I guess I look the same. But then it hits me, I'm here to meet Elliot's new girlfriend. ''You aren't…are you?'' She just looks at me in confusion. ''Are you Elliot's girlfriend… please say no.'' She gives me a smile and shake her head. Oh thank god.

She walks past me to go down, without even saying a word. She hasn't said anything, I've just talked and she has listened. She seems different, not the same Ana I knew. The Ana I knew was sweet, shy, and self conscious. This Ana is beautiful, determent, strong, and hot as hell. She doesn't look so shy anymore, and she has gone from sweet and cute, to gorgeous.

I get dressed in jeans and a t-shirt, I was planning to wear sweats, but my mom wouldn't like that. And it wouldn't look that good, thinking of the hard on I have. I make my way down stairs, and sit down at the table. Mom is asking Elliot's new girlfriend questions left and right. Her answers are weak, but I don't comment on it. I really can't see them together. Elliot loves to hike, go fishing and that stuff. While this girl is all about shopping, shopping, shopping; she fits better as Mia's friend.

I can't stop looking at Ana; she's looking down on her food, just pushing around. It looks all too familiar.

''So Ana, where did you move when you left Seattle?'' mom asks her. I guess she's given up at asking Kate, which I learned is her name, and now she's starting on Ana.

''Ehm…'' she looks really uncomfortable. ''My dad, got a job in Montesano, so I stayed there a year, before going to college at WSU. So I lived 3 years in Vancouver.'' Hmm interesting college choice, I always imagined her going to Duke, or Stanford or Yale or anywhere other than in Vancouver.

''So what do you do these days?'' God leave her alone mom, can't you see how uncomfortable you're making her?

''Nothing.'' She rushes out, as soon as the question was asked.

''That's not true, Ana has a son, so her days are hectic.'' Kate says, while chewing on her salad.

''You have a baby?'' Mia my 14 year old sister asks.

''He's not a baby, he's 4.'' Kate says, and I feel like everything stopped. All blood drained from my face. 4 years, so Ana was 17 when she had him and 16 when she left here, but it's not mine. It couldn't be mine, she had an abortion. Right?

Ana looks really uncomfortable and tries all she can not to look at me. So I do the math in my head. She left June 2009; she got pregnant in the beginning of May. Her birthday's September 10th, pregnant 9 months, then her due date would've been in February in 2010. And now it's June 2014 which means he's 4 years old. Oh fuck!

I feel the panic, I have to get out of here, or I will pass out. ''I feel sick.'' I say as I run out the door, I hear Ana saying my name in a tone that sound like she's sorry. Well she should be sorry, she kept him from me, oh god, this is not happening. I sit down on the stairs to try and calm down. I really want to hit something. I'm 21 soon 22 fucking years old and have a 4 year old son, which I didn't know about.

I don't know how long I sit out here, but I'm jerked back to reality when Ana runs out crying, followed by Kate who is followed by my mother and then Elliot.

''Shit bro, Ana's son is at the hospital.'' He says as he tries getting his keys out, which he doesn't find. ''I can't find my keys, shit!'' he says as he runs back inside.

''Ana I'll take you.'' I say, as I get in my car. She hesitates a second, waiting to see if Elliot found his keys, before she gets in the car.

''I can explain Christian.'' She says.

''I'm pretty sure you can't…'' I say harshly ''… but let's see how he's doing first.'' I keep driving, while Ana tells me about her… our son.

''His name is Teddy, short for Theodore… I named him after your grandfather, I know how much you liked him… well I don't know, but every time he picked you up after we had studied you looked really happy… so I thought at least you really liked spending time with him… I wanted to name him after someone in your family, and I couldn't name him Christian… and to be honest I don't find Carrick as a baby name… so I ended up with Theodore… Theodore Raymond Steele… he's really a bright boy… he talks really well, struggles with big words, but he's really good at talking… he's really handsome, and cute. He's such a lovely boy.''

I place my hand over hers and say ''Breathe Ana, it will be okay, just breathe.'' At the moment she's worse than Mia, but Mia only talks about clothes and gossip. I text my mom that we're only 5 minutes away, and she says she will be there as soon as possible.

''I shouldn't have left him; I let Kate talk me into coming again… I didn't know it was your brother she was going to meet… but I should've stayed with Teddy… Ethan… Kate's brother was watching him, I should've stayed, and it's all my fault… he jumped on his bed, he's not allowed to do that, and Ethan turned his back and he fell… I should've been there, then it wouldn't have happened.''

I tighten my hold on her hand, which I'm still holding. ''It wasn't your fault, and he'll be okay.'' I'm really furious, who turns around, and leave a child alone. My mother did that, my mother did exactly that. One time when I fell of the couch when I was probably 4, she didn't do anything, too drunk to do anything, and that asshole turned his attention away from Teddy, that fucker. As I turn the car into the parking lot, I see red; I really want to hit that guy now.

We run to the reception, ''Hey, I'm looking for Theodore Steele… 4 years old, just got here.'' She's talking really quick.

''Yes, he's here, are you his sister?'' I frown at her, do we look that young?

''No I'm his mother.'' The nurse at the desk looks at Ana in a disapproving way, well fuck her. Just as I'm about to yell at the nurse, my mom comes in the door.

''Ana, come with me.'' my mom says to her as she rushes through the door. I follow after them when my mom turns ''Christian only immediate family, you have to stay in the waiting room.'' When she says this Ana turns her head, and nod at me.

''Mom I'm coming in…'' she tries to stop me again ''… I'm his father, I'm coming in.'' I say sternly as I pass her. I take Ana's hand as we continue down the corridor. It feels good holding hands again. She doesn't stop me when I entwine our fingers, and I can't help the little smile I get.

We turn the corner and a guy with sandy blonde hair comes towards us. ''Sorry Ana, I'm so sorry.'' Ana waves him of as she continues in the room Teddy's in. I don't follow her in there; I don't feel comfortable since I've never met Teddy before.

''Ethan Kavanaugh'' the guy with blonde hair says, I really want to yell at him for turning his back on my son, but I don't.

''Christian Grey'' I try not to hit him, but I really want to. The way he's looking at me, really annoy me.

''So… you know Ana?'' he ask, I think he's trying to be casual, but he's failing. He totally got a thing for her. But that's too bad for him, because that's my girl, and my son. _Where did that come from?_

''Yeah, back in the day.'' I say, and just then Ana comes out relived. ''How is he?''

''He broke his arm and banged his head a little, but he'll be fine.'' She lets out a breath.

I hug her as I whisper ''thank god.''

''I want to talk to the two of you.'' My mom says as she drags us into a private room, Ana and I look at each other with huge eyes. ''Christian you can't lie just to get in here, it's not right.'' She talks to me like I'm 5 again, and I really want to laugh.

''No Grace, he wasn't lying… Christian is Teddy's father.'' Ana says looking really shy, there's the Ana I remember. Mom gasps and covers her mouth with her hand. Ana leads me out of the room, and in the room where Teddy is. ''There's someone I want you to meet.'' And when I look at him I gasp. He looks so much like us, well like me, he has Ana's eyes though. He smiles at his mom, and looks a little shy. ''Teddy, this is Christian, he's my friend.'' It hurts a little when she says that, but I don't let it show.

''Like Jose is your friend, and Emilie is my friend?'' he asks, Ana thinks for a moment before she nods. Who is Jose, please don't say that's her boyfriend. ''Hey Chwistian.'' And he's so adorable. So fucking cute, who can turn their back on him? Mom walks in and gasps one more time.

''Oh Christian…'' she says. ''Hi my name is Grace, I'm a doctor.'' She turns her attention towards Teddy.

''No you're not'' Teddy laughs ''you don't have doctor clothes on.'' This makes me smile; Ana looks up at me nervously and smiles when she sees I'm smiling.

I call Andrea to let her know that I won't come back to GEH today. And asks if she can get Ros to look into a shipyard in Taiwan I'm interest in. Since I started GEH I've never had a day off, so I feel like I can take one now.

Mom sits with Teddy, and Ana and I go to the cafeteria. I take a coffee, and she takes tea, just like I remember it. We sit down at an empty table.

''So… we have a son.'' Most of the anger had disappeared earlier, when I looked at Teddy.

''We do… no we don't I have a son Christian. I do. I'm glad you're here now, and that you reassured me that everything was fine on the way over her. I was vulnerable and gladly took the comfort you we're giving me. If that led you on, then I'm sorry. But I remember everything that happened, and you wanted me to have an abortion, and that was wrong of you. You didn't ask, you told me to have an abortion, you really should be ashamed.'' Where did all that anger come from? Well he deserves it, after what he did to me, and my son.

''You want to talk about wrong and being ashamed?'' The angers back again. ''_You_ were wrong to not tell me about him, _you_ should feel ashamed. I was… we were young and dumb Ana, and frankly I couldn't see us having a kid at that age, was it wrong of me to act the way I did? I didn't feel that at the time, but I do that now. At the time I wanted the best for us, and a child wasn't that.''

''Us? You fucking sent me out of town, you told me to get out of Seattle, you never wanted to see me again, should I have just called you and said 'Hey I had the child, it's a boy, congratulation Daddy?' ''

''Frankly that would've been better, and I didn't want you to leave, I don't know why I said that, but it's not like I had the right to say that, I couldn't kick you out, so you left. You left me, and didn't tell me about my own child.''

''You wouldn't have done anything if I told you anyway.'' She says, and that makes me angry.

''You don't know that, maybe I would've tried to do something, but now we'll never know. You know what Anastasia, it hasn't gone one day, one fucking day that I don't think about how it all ended, how I acted, what I said, I regret it every day. Not one day has gone by where I haven't thought about the baby. If it was a boy I would imagine him like me, and if it was a girl a little you. I dreamt many nights that we were happy, that we made it work, and that we were a happy family the three of us. I have thought about that. So don't try to make me the bad guy here, we were both wrong.''

I take out my wallet and lay a picture on the table, before I leave.

**Ana's POV**

I'm stunned did that just happen? Did he just fight back his own tears? That was nothing like the Christian I remember. I see he left something, its plank so I pick it up. I get a sick feeling when I see what it is. It is the sonogram I sent to him before I left Seattle, the first picture of Teddy, and he had it in his wallet.

What have I done?


	3. Chapter 3

**Christian's POV**

I'm so fucking furious now, I'm so stupid. For second there, for one fucking moment I thought I had a chance of happiness in my life. Looking at Teddy, seeing the innocent face he has, he doesn't know how the world is; he's oblivious to everything bad. And the thought of loving him and keeping him safe, makes me all warm on the inside.

I was so angry with Ana, and the way I learned about it, Kate just threw it out there. I'm wondering if Ana would've ever told me, if Kate didn't say anything. I felt sick, for years now I have thought that Ana had an abortion, she told me she did, and then she left town. Not before giving me a sonogram of our child. I cried when I saw it the first time. I didn't quite know what I was looking at, but when I figured it out, I saw something Ana and I created out of love.

And she has the fucking nerve to say I wasn't there for our son? I didn't even know about him. And I should be ashamed? Right now fuck her, just fuck her. I'm mad at Ana right now, but I'm more mad at myself, because even though how fucked up this is, I still love her. And right now I don't want to love her.

I'm on my way to the gym to meet, Claude. I really need to hit something, I don't care if it's a bag or him, I just need to get my anger and frustration out ASAP.

''Christian my good friend'' Claude greets me as he tries to give me a friendly hug; he does this only because he knows that I hate it. I jog to the punching bag before he 'hugs' me and launch at it. ''Wow Christian, you're killing it'' he chuckles ''Why you're so mad, tell Dr. Bastille.'' Claude was just supposed to be my personal trainer, telling me what to do and that's it, but we just clicked. We went out to get bears one day, and since we've been pretty close.

''Ana'' I grunt out as I continue hitting the bag.

''Wait, wait, wait. Ana? As in the Ana you described your undying love for, when you were drunk?''

''The very same'' I don't remember that night, but he doesn't let me forget it, every time I laugh at him when he has a new fuck buddy, he brings that up.

''Okay, why are you mad at Ana?'' he starts to sound like Flynn, I don't think he wants to help me, but just curious about it all.

''She got pregnant.'' I hit the bag extra hard this time, and it hurts like hell, but I can't stop now.

''So she got pregnant, and you lost your shot at her?'' he asks, if only he knew.

''_I_ got her pregnant.'' If he doesn't stop asking these questions soon, then I will start hitting _him._

''How did _you _get _her_ pregnant?'' I stop for a moment and lift my eyebrow at him. ''I thought you hadn't seen her for what 4 years?''

''5'' I answer ''and she got pregnant before I never saw her again, and she had the kid. I have a fucking son.''

''You what? Did you know about him? Wait was he the ultrasound picture you kept in your wallet?'' Oh god he knows about that?

''Yes I have a son'' I hit the bag ''I knew about it… I didn't however know that she kept it… and yes that's him on the sonogram'' I hit it again. '' I thought she had a fucking abortion'' hit '' I asked her to get an abortion'' hit ''then she left town… I guess to have the kid'' hit, hit, hit.

''Wow that's really fucked up. So you didn't know he existed?'' I shake my head. ''And you asked her to have an abortion?'' I nod. ''How do you know about it now?''

''They're here. She's here, he's here, and they are all _here._ Her best friend from college is Elliot's new girlfriend… and Ana is visiting Kate now, and then Kate invited her to _my_ parent's house, and there she was… in my _bedroom_… and Kate just told us randomly that_ 'hey Ana has a son, he's 4'_ so I did the math and it adds up.'' I've taken a seat on the floor now, my head resting on my knees. ''We had sex one time, _one _fucking time, it was both our first time, and she got pregnant. Fuck!'' I sigh ''we were just 16, what did she expect from me?'' I dry away the tears before he notice that I'm almost crying.

''Now? How do you feel now? Do you want to be in the kids' life?'' I think I should switch him out with Flynn; it's easier talking to Claude. But what do I want. Do I really want to be in Teddy and Ana's life? One look at him and I fell in love with that little kid, but is it enough. I've been in love with the idea of him for a quite some time now.

When Ana left after she had the abortion; which she didn't. I was broken, at that time most because of I lost Ana. I was so out of control, and then I received that sonogram and all hell broke loose. I knew what it was, but I couldn't see the kid, but when I saw it I was so out of it. I hated myself, looking at that little baby that I thought of as a problem I needed to get away. When I got around regretting it, it was too late; she had already had the abortion. I tried calling her, telling her how sorry I really was, but she changed her number.

I started losing my temper, it was really bad. I was kicked out of 2 schools, for fighting. And then Elena came to the picture. Being with her, there and then was amazing, I could always forget about everything that was going on in my life. But every time I got home, I would lie awake and thinking 'what would Ana say if she knew?' I was always ashamed of being with Elena, but I needed it. I was so out of control, so when she had the control it was so easy to submit to her. But what would Ana think? Had she forgotten me? Would she hate me forever?

One night I had a dream or more like a nightmare, Ana and I were at the hospital, I was holding her hand, while she gave birth. I was telling her over and over again how much I loved her, and that she was doing so well, and I couldn't wait to meet our baby. Then I heard that piercing cry, and it was magical and so perfect. The doctor asked me to get my kid and show it to Ana. As I took it in my hands I dropped him, suddenly the crying stopped. I looked up at Ana, and she had disgust written all over her face as she said. ''You killed our baby, your own child.'' I woke up in a sweat when I dreamt that. I've dreamt that same dream a few times, but I also have had happy dreams, where it all works out.

''I don't know Claude, I really don't know.'' A part of me wants to say no, it will be easier if I just say no. But if I say no and never see him again, what will happen? I know for a fact that I will always think of him, wondering how he looks, wondering if he has another 'daddy.' But if I say yes, am I really ready for that? I'm not 16 anymore, but I'm still too young, we're still too young. I will spend some time with Teddy now I think, in the days that come, just to see how it goes; he doesn't need to know I'm his father to begin with.

***Christian Trevelyan Grey, we're going to talk about this. I'm on my way to Escala. – Love you, mom.**

''That was my mother; she's on her way to probably give me hell, so I'm going. We should meet here again tomorrow, I'll text you when. Bye.''

I make my way over to the elevator and go to the penthouse. I love that there's a gym in the building, and that with money, you can make it private parts of the day.

I'm not really sure what my mom wants. I know that she will yell at me, and tell me it was wrong to do something like that, just like when I was 8 and kicked Elliot for the first time in the balls. And I didn't even have a good reason to kick him, it was just that I was a sore loser, and he was a sore winner, so I kicked him. He cried for an hour, holding his private. He cried that he needed to pee, but it hurt too much. Well the lesson here is, don't be a sore winner.

I'm quickly snapped out of that 'fond' memory when I see the death glare my mother is giving me. I really want to go back in the elevator with my tail between my legs. If that stare could kill, I would've been dead years ago. You should think I was used to it, but that glare still scares the living daylights out of me. I drop to me knees, and can't stop the tears that start streaming down my face.

''I didn't know mom, I swear. I'm sorry.'' I cry. Suddenly she sits down on the floor next to me and rubbing my arm. Then I do something I've never done before I turn to her, and hug her, tight. She gasps, but lets me burry my tearstained face in her neck. ''I fucked up mom, I don't know what to do.''

''Oh Christian, language'' she says gently, and I whisper sorry. ''How long have you known about this?'' She's taking this better then I suspected she's gentle. I was sure she would probably smack me across the face.

''I figured it out when Kate told us that she has a son… I knew she was pregnant before she left Seattle, but I asked her to have an abortion, and she did, so I thought.'' We're still hugging. I've never hugged my mom before, and now I don't know why, it's so comforting.

''Why didn't you come to me, I would've helped you, both of you figure it out. I just wish you felt that you could talk to me.'' I nod, because I don't know what to answer. I do feel like I can talk to my mom more now, then before. In my teens I was always in trouble, and I hated both my parents. Then Ana came along, and I got happy, then she left and it was worse than it ever had been. ''You asked her to have an abortion?'' I nod again, as a doctor I know that mom is against abortion, and she's probably very disappointed in me now. ''Christian… did you ask?… or did you tell? Because sometimes you may think that you are acting reasonable and asking, when you're really demanding… Did you demand that Ana had an abortion?'' when I think about it, I did. I told her to get rid of it.

''I was 16 mom, and you know how fucked up I was, I am. I couldn't take care of baby, I would've sucked at it, still would. I couldn't be responsible for a child, not at the age of 16/17, mom. But Ana and I don't see eye to eye. She thinks I abandon her and our son, but had I known she kept him, I would've done something, I really think I would… When she told me she was pregnant, she saw it as a 'happy ending' me and her, for the rest of our lives. I didn't see what she saw.'' I'm still crying, and sobbing on my mom's shoulder. ''No one even knew we were together, we hadn't told anyone yet… but mom there's something else.''

''Oh sweetie, I know this is a hard situation, and no matter how old or young you are, you're not 100% ready to have a child. But what else is there, please don't say this wasn't the only time.'' How is it that of all my 16 year with my family that I haven't seen before now how great my family truly is?

''I was so mad at her, mom. I was mad that I got her pregnant, I was mad that she got pregnant… I… I asked her to leave town… I couldn't see her anymore… Her father had already gotten a new job in Montesano, but I asked her to go.''

''Oh, Christian. For a smart boy you really are stupid some times. Why would you do something like that.'' she ask, not as gentle as before, but not harshly.

''I panicked. I was sure she was going to break up with me, I was so sure, and then she told me she was pregnant, and I talked without thinking… Mom I… I… I loved her mom'' she gasp, I've never said I love someone ever. ''I still love her.''

''Of course you do. I saw it that day I picked you up at the tutor center, and I saw it under the brunch. Give her time, she needs time right now. Teddy is out of the hospital; maybe you should take a trip over to Kate's place, and talk to her. She's angry, of course she is, and she needs time to get over that anger, just give her time.''

We hugged for 30 more minutes before she left. I think she liked having that connection with me, since we've never had it before.

***Ana I think we should talk, meet me at the diner? – Christian. **

_***Okay. Kate is home in an hour, and then she can watch Teddy. I'm sorry. – Ana **_

Sorry for what? Sorry for not having the abortion? Sorry for not telling me? Sorry for keeping him from me? Sorry for her harsh words at the hospital? I guess I'll know in an hour.


	4. Chapter 4

**HOPE YOU LIKE THIS CHAPTER**

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**Christian's POV**

***heard you're going out with Ana **

_***Yeah **_

***Don't hurt her; she's been through a lot **

_***Fuck off Elliot**_

***She has a kid Christian, if you want her then you have to want her son, doesn't it bother you that she has a kid? **

_***FUCK. OFF **_

I throw my phone in the sofa as I make my way to the kitchen. I've lived here for a month now. My parents disapproved because of the size, but I like it. I can't cook though. I usually order take away or eat out, so my fridge is pretty empty. The kitchen is way too big for a guy who don't use it, but yeah, I can at least fill it with beers **(ha-ha still laughing)**. The only time the kitchen is to use is when one of the subs cooks, which reminds me, I need to tell Leila not to come over anymore.

I've got some time before I have to leave; the diner is just down the street. I have dressed casually, because I wasn't sure how to dress, it's not a date and at the moment we don't really like each other, I think. I like her, but I also hate her, hate what she did.

30 minutes later I'm standing outside of the diner. I see Ana sitting there, and I get angry. She must have done that on purpose. She's sitting at the exact same place she sat _that_ night. Why would she do something like that? With my anger still there I walk into the diner. She doesn't look up when I enter, but I see she tenses up.

''Christian,'' she greets me, she doesn't stand or anything just acknowledge me. ''I see the diner has changed.'' Are we going to talk about the weather next? I didn't come here to small talk; I came here to try making this right, at least try.

''Yeah, Geoff's son took over the diner 2 years ago, so the menus are new, and almost everything is new,'' I say before I ad ''except the _seating_.'' She doesn't look surprised by that comment, and I know she knew what this place means to me. This is where we officially said our goodbyes. She didn't leave the day after, but we didn't talk much after that night. When we saw each other at school we'd always turn the other way. She didn't help me to study on the last math test, not that I needed her _help_ but it hurt.

We order our food, and wait for it in silence, and we start eating as soon as we get it. It's just really awkward, all of this. But I need to do this, we need to do this. We at least have to be civil for Teddy's sake. I know that we won't be a happy family the three of us _together_, but I want us to like each other at least.

''So…tell me about the past 4 years.'' I say. I don't know if I'll ever forgive myself for pushing them away, but I'm willing to try if she will let me. But no matter what, I will be a part of my sons' life. If she won't let, I will do everything I can, to get shared custody of Teddy.

''I got my…'' she starts, but I interrupt her. It wasn't really her I wanted to hear about. Well I'm wondering about that as well, but I mostly want to hear about Teddy. When she told me why she named him, and that it was after Gramps, I got this warm feeling in my chest. I haven't had that feeling for over 5 years.

''I'm sorry, I meant I wanted to know about Teddy.'' She looks disappointed for second but shakes it off.

''Oh, yeah of course… I stayed home with him from his birth to the day I left for college. My father was staying home with him until we felt he was old enough to start in daycare.'' She says, from the day of his birth? He must've been born early in the year, so what about school? Didn't she finish high school?

''So you're dad raised him, not you?'' she narrows her eyes at me. I guess that wasn't the smartest thing to say right now. Not when I'm trying to get her forgiveness. But Vancouver is far away from Montesano. She can't have seen Teddy much the last three years.

''I went home every weekend, that's 9 fucking hours each way by bus, but he's worth it. Teddy will always be worth it! My second year of college, he came to me one weekend every month. My father would drive him to me, go fishing or something, and pick him up Sunday. Are you trying to tell me that I abandon my son? I didn't want to go to college, but dad wouldn't hear anything of it, he offered to stay home with Teddy, and when Teddy started in daycare he went back to work. I tried to be there for my son, because I love him, and I wanted him from day one.'' Of course she loves him, I don't doubt that. I guess being a single teenage mother isn't easy either, I'm glad Ray was there for her. I don't mean to be rude, I'm just curious; it is my sons' life after all.

''That's unfair Ana.'' I bet she will always remind me of that day. But if she hadn't changed phone numbers, maybe this could all be avoided. Because I tried reaching out to her, first time a month after she left, then again on her birthday. And if she hadn't changed her number she could've told me she kept him.

''No it really isn't. I heard everything you said at the hospital, and yes I understand you were 16 and irresponsible and scared and blah, blah, blah, but what about me? I was also 16 years old, and I was alone. You know what? I almost lost him.'' She says.

''How the fuck could I know, you didn't let me. You could've written something with the sonogram, which I want back, you could've written, I'm keeping it or something. I wouldn't drag you the doctor, I would've tried being there for you, for him. You could've sent me another sonogram the next time you went to a doctor, and then I would've understood. Would I freak out? Probably, but I would've gotten over it.''

''That's easy for you to say now, but you wouldn't back then…'' she shakes her head, and it looks like she might cry. ''I was lying there giving birth for hours, alone. I couldn't have my dad there, it just felt wrong, and my mom hated the fact that I got pregnant. It had been hours and it hurt and nothing happened, then I had to have an emergency c-section or me and Teddy would've died. And where were you? Not with me, because you didn't want us.'' I wanted you! I want to scream at her, I still do. God this is fucked up, what if she died under labor. What if they both died, and I didn't know about it. What if only Ana died, would Ray know that I'm his father? Has she told anyone?

''I wanted you.'' I whisper back, because it's true. I had tried for months to get Ana to see that I liked her, but nothing worked. I lied about having trouble in math just to get close to her.

''I told you I loved you.'' She says sadder now, ''and you pushed me away.''

''You were living a fairytale back then, what did you want from me? Did you expect me to go down and one knee and we would live happily ever happy. King and queen and our little prince, it wouldn't work.''

''You pushed me away.'' She whispers again, and she's fighting her tears harder this time.

''I know, Ana look I'm sorry okay, and I don't expect Teddy to call me daddy anytime soon, but I want to be there for him… and you.''

''For how long?'' she ask, and I frown. How long? Does she think that I will get tired of being with them, that I will play father for a week, then do something else?

''What kind of question is that?''

''We don't live here Christian, what about when we go back to Montesano?'' I didn't think of that, I don't want her to move away. I can't lose them again. If I have to I can buy them a place.

''I really hope you will consider moving to Seattle, but if not I'll come visit as often as I can.'' I will take every weekend in Montesano if that is the only way to see them. I'm serious about this.

''I don't know Christian.'' She says, quietly.

''I made a mistake Ana, Teddy shouldn't be punished for _my_ mistake.'' She can hate me as much as she likes, but don't take that out on Teddy.

''I'm not punishing him.'' She says defensively.

''You are, you are keeping him from his father.'' I'm getting tired of fighting over and over and over again, and it's only been a day.

''Yeah the father that didn't want him'' did she really have to go there? Will she always go there? Can we never get through this?

''That's enough, Anastasia. Stop. I know there's nothing I can do or say that will make up for that, but I'm trying. And you're pushing me away. If Teddy wants to push me away, if he wants nothing to do with me, then I will accept that, but let him choose.''

''Okay, let's say I say this is okay, and you can become a part of his life, what if you leave? What if he gets attached to you, and knows that you're his dad and then you disappear? I couldn't bare the disappointment from Teddy.''

''I can't promise anything, but I will try my fucking best, I'm going to do my part in this.'' I want to talk to my 16 year old self, and tell him it will be okay, that he can't lose them. I hate that I don't know how their life has been. And I don't know Teddy, period.

''Okay.'' She whispers, so low that I'm not sure if she said it, or if it was wishful thinking.

''Okay?'' She gives me a little smile, and nods.

''Come, let's say hi to your son, before he goes to bed.'' She says, and we leave. We have barely touched our food, but surprisingly I'm not hungry.

Ana show me where she has parked her car, and tells me she can give me a ride. When I see her car, I really don't have words.

''You can't be serious Ana.'' What kind of death machine is this?

''What, she's totally safe. The breaks are going out, but she's fine.'' The breaks are what?

''Ana! Are you driving Teddy in this thing?'' If she says yes, I might have to slap some sense in to her.

''I've had her for 3 years Christian, and nothing has happened. Plus she's my baby, I can't lose her.'' She says pouting as if she's afraid I'll take it from her, which I will.

''You can't lose your baby?'' she shakes her head. ''What about you're other baby, can you lose him?''

''Christian! Teddy is completely safe.'' I don't want to start another fight, but she will kill them both in this death trap.

''I'll drive, and tomorrow we're buying you another car.'' She gives me the keys, but tells me not to buy a new car to her. ''Fine we can buy a used one.''

''That's not what I meant Christian. I can't afford a new car, and I won't let you use your money on a car I don't need.'' A car she doesn't need? Unless she plans on using the bus, she needs a new car. But I don't argue about it, and get in the car. She tells me the way, and when we're outside I turn to her.

''I'm a millionaire Ana, I can buy you a new fucking car.'' I don't mean to sound like a dickhead, but I won't let her drive Teddy around in this.

She shakes her head, and finds the key to the building. When we're a few steps from the apartment door, we here someone scream bloody murder. We both run in, and see Kate and Elliot making out, and ignoring Teddy's cries.

''What the fuck!'' I yell at them. ''Can't you hear him?'' I yell as Ana makes her way to Teddy's room.

''Shit'' they both say at the same time.

''Just get out!'' I scream, and go to the room Ana went to. She is holding him, trying to comfort him. I stand awkwardly in the door way, not knowing what to do.

''It hurts mommy, it hurts!'' he sobs really loud.

I make my way to the bed and ask as sweetly as I can manage. ''Where does it hurt buddy?'' I ask and he point to his arm, the one in the cast. ''It will get better, just need to give it some time.''

''No'' he sobs ''I fell of my bed.'' He cries more.

''We know you did sweetie.'' Ana says. ''We were at the hospital, remember?'' He shakes his head violently, and it's freaking me out. It's like he's frustrated that we don't understand what he's saying. ''When you jump on your bed, then it's easy to fall.''

''No mommy, I didn't jump, I was playing with my train.'' At the floor the train lies and I ask him if he fell after he got out of the hospital. ''Yes'' Ana and I both look at each other, and I call my mom, to get her over here. Then I go out to see if Kate and Elliot are still here.

''Shit bro! Is he okay?'' Elliot asks, holding a protective arm around Kate's waist, as if I might try to hit them.

''He. Fell. Of. His. Fucking. BED!'' I hiss through greeted teeth. ''And you were sitting here making out.'' I give them my sternest stare, and they look away. ''Kate you were supposed to baby sit him. What if Ana and I haven't gotten here sooner, would you have noticed?'' They don't answer, still not looking at me. ''I will make sure that neither of you ever look after my son again.'' They both stare at me with huge eyes, and I realize what I said.

''Your son?'' Kate says in disbelieve. While Elliot asks ''are you serious.'' Elliot wasn't around the time Ana and I were together. I nod and go back to the room.

Teddy isn't crying as much as he did when we got in here, but he's still sobbing. After 10 minutes my mom arrives. She checks him out, and tells us everything is okay. And that he probably got shocked and scared. We told her what we knew, and that we weren't home. And when she left she made Elliot and Kate leave as well. If Kate wanted to make a good impression on our mother, she wasn't off to a good start. And the fact that Teddy is her grandson probably makes it worse.

When we talked earlier today, she told me she wouldn't tell anybody about Teddy being my son; she wanted me to tell them. So Dad and Mia don't know, and I really hope Kate and Elliot keeps their mouths shot. Kate obviously doesn't believe me, but I don't care.

I helped tucking Teddy into bed and I loved it. Ana and I sat and talked for a while. And we only talked we didn't fight and it was nice. When I left after we had talked for an hour she hugged me goodbye. It was just a friendly hug, but it meant much to me. I had to call for a cab home, since I drove Ana's car here. I have to work tomorrow, but she invited me for dinner, and I accepted. So I can't wait for tomorrow. I hope it goes better than today, and that I can get to know Teddy better.


	5. Chapter 5

**Thanks for reading, liking and all your kind words towards my story. I really appreciate it.**

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Today has been a long day. I arrived early, earlier than I use to because of my 'half' day off yesterday. Normally I'm at GEH by 6 am and go for the day at 8 pm sometimes 9:30 pm. Yesterday I went for lunch at my mom's 11 am and never returned. And today I'm going over to Ana's for dinner with her and Teddy at 5 pm, so I arrived at GEH at 4 am today.

In the beginning when I started GEH I didn't even go home, I slept on the couch in the office, the times I could sleep. I never went to college; I got accepted, but didn't go. I knew what I wanted, and I had many plans. So when I was 17 I did my research, to have everything ready. I saved up money, but I didn't have enough. My parents supported me but they didn't see my ambitions, so they didn't loan me the money. My dad has apologized a few times, after GEH became a success. I don't blame him, but I would've loved if it was they who lent me the money and not Elena.

When I was 18 and everything was ready to just start, Elena lent me the money I needed. I bought a company for way less then it was worth. The business was going under, so the owner didn't think long before signing it over to me. I made some changes and I got it up and working again, then I divided it up and sold it to other similar companies, for way more then I bought it for. Then I continued doing that and suddenly the money came rolling in. I saved the most of it, and then I bought an empty building when I was 19, Elliot helped with remodeling it, and it became Grey Enterprises Holdings.

I started hiring more and more people, and then I hired Ros, which is the best fucking decision I've ever made. When I hired her she was 22 at that time, and had trouble finding job because of the fact that she's a she, and a strong business _woman_, but that's their loss, my gain. Plus she's gay, so she doesn't get affected by my looks. I have had to fire many girls because of that reason, when I found my PA Andrea I was so happy, the fact that she is happily married is a plus.

My mom was really scared for me I guess, because I didn't officially move out, but I was never home. I was at work by 6 am, done by 8 pm, I went to a hotel then fucked either a new sub, or I took one with me to the hotel from one of the BDSM clubs I went to. Then I fucked them till I was satisfied and then kicked them out. I was planning on setting up a 'playroom' at Escala, but with Ana back, and there's also Teddy so I don't think I will do that. I have a playroom installed in a motel I own, a few miles outside of Seattle. I've spent a few weekends there.

This whole situation is frustrating. I really need to whip and chain someone, but I don't want Teddy to be around that, or ever know what it is. But I still need it, and if Ana ever finds out she will be so disgusted, and will take Teddy away from ever. I don't want to risk it, but I have needs.

My work day is soon over and I will spend time with Teddy, and it can't come faster. I don't know what Ana is making for dinner, she said she will make Teddy's favorite, but I don't know what it is. Ana gave me the sonogram back last night with a picture of Teddy from his first birthday, and he is one cute little shit. Ana shoved me some of her photo albums. From before and after Teddy was born. There were pictures from the day he was born, some from when Ana was pregnant and many after Teddy were born. I was really surprised when I saw that one of the first pictured was taken of Ana and I right after we lost our virginity.

God I remember that day, I remember everything from our time together. Our first kiss. We were at a Café working on algebra, and she said wrong information, probably to test me. And I chuckled; she turned her head my eyes went straight to her lips. Then I leaned in, and we kissed. First sweet, our lips barely touching, and then I took her face in my hands and kissed her again. We shared a few kisses here and there. Every time we said goodbye, I kissed her. If I saw her alone in the hall at school I would pin her to the lockers, until we heard someone coming.

I remember how she felt around my dick our first time, how it felt to have her arms around me, touching my chest and back, I didn't care then, it was only us. I remember her kisses down my neck, biting my shoulder when she moaned. Oh god, when she moaned my name, it was amazing, so hot. I remember when we took the picture, we were both covered but naked, and when I took out the camera she blushed, but she smiled at me once and at the camera once.

No matter how many subs I have fucked, no one comes near to how good Ana was. And I often picture Ana when I fuck them, that may sound harsh but it's true. Then there's Elena, she took my mind of things, and I liked it there and then. I'm still friends with her, and we have a business together. Even though I appreciate our time together back in the days, I don't ever want to fuck her again. She has asked a few times ''just for old times' sake'' but the answers no.

I sent Leila a mail telling her our contract is off, and that she doesn't need to go to Escala this weekend. She hasn't answered, but I think she will listen to what I want. She's the submissive that has reminded me most of Ana, not in bed, but the looks. Her eyes are a close color to Ana's. She is also petite and long brown hair.

I look at the clock and see it's time to go, and can't help the grin I get. I must look like a fool, and I feel like a fool when Andrea stares at me in shock, before she shakes it off. I tell her she can leave for the day and I'm on my way, to Ana's or Kate's actually, I really hope she isn't there; it's something about her that pisses me off. I don't like her; it's as simple as that.

Ana gave me a spare key to the apartment building, so I walk in and knock on her door, and the door open slightly and a little head looks out.

''Cwistian, what are you doing here?'' Cwistian? That's cute. I know that small kids sometimes have trouble with the R sound, but I haven't noticed that so much the times Teddy has talked.

I squat down so we're eye level ''I came to eat dinner with you, is that okay?''

''Yes!'' he says happy ''mommy's making mac n cheese, my favorite.'' Ana made me that a few times, when we were at her place and it taste fucking amazing, wonder if it still does.

''Wow, it's my favorite too'' my mother's chef makes an amazing mac n cheese, mom knows how to do it, and have tried teaching me, but I suck in the kitchen, couldn't make a shit to save my life. So I have been having half a mind about hiring a housekeeper.

''Really'' he asks, I nod and follow him in.

''Mommy! Cwistian is here.'' He yells out, and I smile once again. It's starting to hurt to smile that much. ''Come, let's play.'' He takes my hand and leads me to his bedroom. It is just a normal guestroom, with a big bed, and his toys on the ground. The bed is pretty high, and to think he fell of twice is an awful feeling. ''You can sit on my bed, but no jumping, then you need this.'' He says pointing to the cast he has on his arm.

''Does it still hurt buddy?'' I ask. I can't get the sound of his cries out of my head. And that Elliot and Kate were seconds away from having sex on the coach as he cried makes me boil with anger.

''Only pops calls me buddy, but you can too'' he smiles ''doesn't hurt more.'' I smile at him, I like calling him buddy, that's what Gramps called me when I was younger. And the fact that Gramps and Teddy share names means so much to me. I can't wait to tell Gramps about this little guy. I'm not sure if he'll be disappointed or what, but he'll love Teddy I just know it. Mia will be in 7th heaven when she finds out, and Dad I'm a bit worried about. But we'll get to that.

I make my way to the kitchen and see Ana cooking while listing to her iPod, and she's dancing, completely oblivious to the fact that I'm here. She's swaying her ass as she makes the dinner. After a few seconds she starts singing as well, I guess she didn't know that I arrived yet. I can't help but softly laughing, because she really can't sing. She doesn't hear me, and I continue staring at her in awe. She really is amazing, always been and will always be. She's so beautiful and happy. Well the times we haven't fought she's been happy.

''Christian!'' I'm yanked back to reality, as Ana stares at me in horror. ''Ho… how long have you been here?'' she asks.

''Long enough'' I smile, and she buries her head in her hands. ''Teddy did yell out to you, that I was here, but you were… busy.'' She blushes and asks me to get Teddy.

As we eat Teddy is softly singing to himself. The food is amazing; I've never had anything so good before. I didn't think you could make something this amazing out of an easy mac n cheese, it's better than I remember. We small talk all the way through dinner, and it's mostly Teddy talking, and I'm totally fine with that. I love hearing him talk, and the way he sometimes switches the letter R with W is so cute. But Ana's right, for only being 4 he's a good talker. Throughout dinner Ana seems a bit distant, in the beginning I thought she was just embarrassed from what I witnessed, but now I'm not sure.

After dinner I help her take everything to the sink, as Teddy goes to play again. As we have taken the last thing out, Ana turns around, and doesn't look too pleased. Did I do something or say something under the dinner that I shouldn't have?

''You told her.'' she say, and I frown. ''You told Kate that you're Teddy's father.'' _Shit!_

''I let it slip, sorry if that upset you, that wasn't my attention. But we do have to tell my family soon.'' I don't know how long Elliot will keep his mouth shut about this.

''She wasn't happy about that.'' Who Teddy's father is has nothing to do with Kate.

''Why'' I ask.

''Because I kept it from her, she asked me a few times if I knew who his father was, and I said no. And then when you told her she… I don't know… she started yelling… about how I lied to her… and that only whores lie about who their Childs father is… she was drunk, but it hurt. And I'm not a whore.''

''Of course you aren't.'' I hug her. If Kate was here now, she wouldn't see daylight ever again, what the fuck!

''I am though, I got pregnant at 16, and I'm a single mother.'' The words hurt but they're true. ''And he fell twice yesterday, I'm not fit to be a mother.'' It wasn't her fault that he fell; I wish she could believe that.

''You're damn good mother Ana, don't doubt that, Teddy is amazing.'' I haven't met that many kids, but the ones I have are total shit kids, Teddy is nothing like that.

''But it's like you said, I left him, and my dad raised him. Yes I saw him every weekend, but I should've been with him all the time.'' Why can't I just keep my mouth shut, and I didn't mean to criticize her, it was supposed to just be a question.

''Ana I didn't mean that when I said it, you did your best, considering your situation, and you're lucky you have an amazing father, who loves you and his grandson.'' I really need to thank Ray, I have to wait until he knows about me, but he must be one amazing man to do all that to his daughter and grandson.

''I know, I just wish this was different… Ehm… I'll give Teddy a bath now.'' I nod at her. ''You want to come?''

''Are you sure he wants me there?'' I don't know if he would feel comfortable with me being there, while Ana's bathing her.

''He's 4, he doesn't care, he would go commando in the streets if he could.'' This makes me laugh, I guess he would.

''Wouldn't we all'' I say, and that makes Ana laugh. I love hearing her laugh. She has these cute giggles, but when she really laughs it's amazing.

After we bathed Teddy, Ana put him in his pajamas and said he could play for another hour. He dragged me to his room, and introduced me to his favorite toys. Teddy wanted me to tuck him in, something I gladly did. He has a giant teddy bear in his bed, and before I turned off the lights, he hugged the bear and said ''good night other Teddy.'' He also gave me hug, and then there was only Ana and I left.

''You're good with him.'' Ana say as I join her in the couch.

''I'm trying.'' And then we're quiet again. ''Look Ana, I also wish this situation was different, and that this whole thing wasn't awkward. I know we have some lengths to go before we can forgive each other…'' I start but she cuts me off.

''I know, but it's hard. I've had him for _4 _years; I know how perfect he is. He's so precious, and loving, and kind and sweet, and all of the above, but I can't shake that feeling that if I had listened to you and had an abortion, that I wouldn't have him. I can't imagine life without him.'' I think no matter what happens we will always go back and remember that day.

''I'm glad you didn't listen to me… I tried calling you, saying how sorry I was. I was looking at the sonogram, and thinking that I killed that child. And I just couldn't…''

''It was meant as a clue'' I frown at her ''that I kept him, but I guess you didn't take it.'' Was the sonogram the clue? But…

''I thought you were messing with my head, trying to make me feel guilty.'' And guilty I felt, for weeks and months, until now really. I have slowly forgotten about it through the years, well I haven't forgotten, just pushed it back in my head till I was alone.

''I did want you to feel guilty, but I wasn't messing with you, maybe I should've written something like you said, but… I didn't think of that back then… But I said I loved you, and you didn't say it back, and I had my doubts, and it was just messy.''

''Doubts'' I ask, ''doubts about what?'' What could she possibly doubt? Did she doubt that I love her, that I LOVE her?

''That you felt the same that I wasn't just a thing to you, and I thought maybe you had other girls, and I…''

''How could you think that, when would I had time for other girls, we were together 24/7. I only wanted to spend time with you.'' Did she think that I cheated on her? I guess she was hormonal and scared, and thought of everything bad to make her decision to feel better to her.

''Well you're you, and I'm me, and of course other girls looked at you, maybe you looked at them too.'' I can't believe that she's saying this, she can't be serious.

''You can't be serious Ana; I only had eyes for you. And the boys were all over you…''

''No they weren't, you kept saying that, but no one looked at me.''

''They all looked at you, all the damn time… How could I even know the baby was mine?'' _Grey! Keep your fucking mouth shut. NOW_.

''You… how could _you_… say something like that to _me?_ God, I'm stupid… Christian, your relationship with your son is hanging in a thin thread now… you know what? I… I really haven't… I… I haven't slept with someone since the day I lost my virginity. And that was with you!'' She was pacing the floor back and forth while pointing her finger to me.

In seconds I have her pinned to the sofa, as I'm kissing her, like we both would die if I didn't. And we kiss all the way to her bedroom.


	6. Chapter 6

''_They all looked at you, all the damn time… How could I even know the baby was mine?'' Grey! Keep your fucking mouth shut. NOW._

''_You… how could you… say something like that to me? God, I'm stupid… Christian, your relationship with your son is hanging in a thin thread now… you know what? I… I really haven't… I… I haven't slept with someone since the day I lost my virginity. And that was with you!'' She was pacing the floor back and forth while pointing her finger to me. _

_In seconds I have her pinned to the sofa, as I'm kissing her, like we both would die if I didn't. And we kiss all the way to her bedroom._

* * *

**Christian's POV**

I push Ana on her dresser, in seconds we are only in our underwear. Her eyes widen, but she doesn't pull away. If I expected her to protest, I would have been wrong. I've released her from whatever has held her back. A low growl escapes my mouth into hers, and my tongue follows it. I wrap my arms around her back and pull her to my chest, crushing her arms between us as I take control.

My mouth is hard on her as I claim her lips. My simmering anger ignites my desire, a strange mixture of hate and lust. I want to feel her under my fingertips. And it pisses me off. My hands slide down her back, cupping her ass and pressing my pelvis firmly against her, so there's no doubt I want her. She lifts a leg and wraps it around my waist, pressing herself closer to me.

I palm her butt cheek, pulling her closer. My mouth tears from hers ''you drive me crazy'' I growl. My arm pins her to me, while on hand finds her breast. I fondle her nipple making her gasp. ''God, I want you.'' I mumble against her lips as my hand leaves her breast.

''_Christian!_'' she moans in my mouth.

I find a foil square from my jeans on the floor, quickly slipping on a condom. Then I kiss her roughly, my tongue plunging into her mouth as I enter her in one full stroke. She clings to my neck and wraps her legs around my waist. I pull her back, and enter again. She leans her head back and groan. My mouth lowers to her breast, licking and nipping till she moans ''ah! _Christian!_'' She starts grinding into me.

The arm around her back pulls her up and my mouth moves to her neck. She clings to me as my pace quickens. I feel I can't get deep enough. Her feet lock around my back and I lift her off the dresser, pressing her into the wall. I plunge deeper and she breaks, losing all her control and crying out. My mouth covers hers as I push deeper and I groan long into her mouth.

When I stop, I turn and lower her on the bed, still inside her. I cup her face as I pull out. I lay down on her bed, behind her. She's soon asleep, with a little smile on her face. I sit up looking at her. I wait till I know she's fully asleep, as I lift the covers, and look at her caesarian scar. And I think of what she had to go through to deliver our son. She really is an amazing girl, my girl. _Shit!_ She's not _my_ girl. Not anymore. I stare at her for awhile till I feel my eyelids close.

For the first time in ages I don't wake up in the middle of the night. When I turn around to look at clock it's almost 9 am. I find my clothes and walk out of the bedroom. I see Ana and Teddy at the kitchen table.

''Cwistian! You sleep her in the night?'' Teddy asks with a huge smile, and I can't help but smile back at him.

''I did.'' He goes back to eating his breakfast. I walk over sit down beside him and Ana hands me a plate of toast, scramble eggs and bacon as she says ''good morning'' cheerfully. I just give a quick ''morning'' back, still confused about last night.

I wanted her, I still want her, but it was wrong. She's not mine anymore, and she told me she hadn't had sex since she lost her virginity 5 years ago, so I was way too harsh on her. I don't think she was ready for it to be that hard. I mentally kick myself for doing that to her. I eat my breakfast in silence, listen to Teddy talking nonstop. When he's finished eating he's breakfast he goes to play. That kid plays really much, but he has a great imagination and he's creative. He doesn't use any playing machines; he only plays with his toys.

When he has gotten into his room Ana turns looking at me. ''So about last night,'' she says nodding, like she's waiting for me to clear up what happened.

''We should just call it what it was.'' She frowns and tilts her head, she looks a little confused. ''A quick fuck'' I explain to her. Her eyes widen for a moment than she smiles and says ''okay.''

God I feel like an ass, but she doesn't want someone like me, I'm poison. I'm bad, she deserves so much better than me. But god, last night was amazing. The way she felt around me, it was so much better than I remember. And for a person who hasn't had sex for 5 years, she's great. She was just as much into it as I was. She did what she liked and I did what I liked.

''So what are we doing today?'' I ask as she washes the dishes. Looking at her perfect body is really killing me. She's in short, shorts and a loose top, and she looks perfect.

She turns around ''huh?'' she asks. ''Nothing I guess, is there something you want to do?''

''I want to catch up, if that's okay?'' she nods ''but that's hard with Teddy around, _and_ I know for a fact that my mom would love to get to know him.'' Her mouth forms an O.

''I don't know Christian; she's a stranger for him. I could always get Kate to…'' she starts but hell no.

''No! _She's_ not watching him.'' She will never watch him again, he's three years old, and she didn't even watch him. Ana might as well leave him home alone, Kate is to no use.

''Come on Christian, she made on mistake.'' One mistake? Make that a million mistakes. If it was anyone else I wouldn't give a fuck, but it was Teddy.

''She made you cry for not telling her who the father to your son is, which she has no right to know or ask. And her brother, Evan was it? He can't watch him either.'' Why would Kate care who Teddy's father is. And why does it bother her that it's me, and that Ana didn't tell her? And like sister like brother they're both fucktards.

''He doesn't _know_ your mom.'' She arguments with. He should've known her from birth.

''And whose fault is that?'' I can't stop thinking that if she would've just stayed in Seattle everything would be perfect. We might or may not have been together, but Teddy would know my family, and my family would know him. And we wouldn't be in this big awkward mess right now.

''Do you want to go there?'' This is going to be a never ending fight. One of us will probably always pick that up in a fight, it will go on forever.

''Anastasia…'' I sigh ''can't my mom just do it for a couple hours, and we won't go far, we can go to the café down on the corner. It's just that we have so much to talk about.''

''Fine'' she says and leaves the kitchen. What the fuck happened, did I do anything?

I sat playing / watching Teddy for a while, it's funny how he makes voices to all his toys. And sometimes he tries to do really low voices, but it is so pitchy. I have to hold back my laughter many times. I wonder if I was like this when I was 4. I don't remember much from that period except the bad parts.

I have just arrived at Escala, I'm going to work a bit until I'm meeting Ana, and I also have to call my mom. Maybe I should've done that first. I take out my phone and call her. I know the answers YES unless she's working. When we were younger mom tried not to work on the weekends. She had a few shifts here and there but she spent almost every weekend home with us.

''Hi sweetie, I was thinking about calling you soon.'' She answers, she always answer like this, even though she had no plan on calling me, she doesn't know how to use her phone, she can only take phone calls. At least she can answer when we call, but she can't text her.

''I'm sure you were mom'' I try saying not too sarcastically ''mom what are you doing today?''

''Nothing much some gardening, I'm on call at the hospital though, but it's not busy there at the moment. Did you want something.'' She asks, but I barely hear her. I think we're losing the connection.

''Mom are you there? Did you push a button on your phone again?'' she's a doctor for fucks sake; she should be able to use a phone. She always uses the landline when she wants to call anyone.

''You are on speaker, I'm working outside.'' She explains.

''Take off the fucking speaker.'' I say, as calmly as I can. But 'fuck' wasn't the right word to use, not with my mom.

''Language Christian'' I mutter sorry, though I'm not. I can hear the line getting clearer, so I guess I'm not on speaker anymore.

''Well I'm going to talk about Teddy, and I don't know if dad is around.''

''When are you planning to tell him?'' she ask, then adding. ''Because I walked past this really cute store, and I found something that would look so cute on Teddy, but I can't buy it, because then dad will start asking me questions, and when he asks I can't lie, you know how I am.'' _Oh Christ!_ I know when it's out in the open my mom and Mia will go crazy shopping for him.

''Soon mom, I promise'' I should do it sooner rather than later, but I want to work thing out with Ana and Teddy first. ''Hey I was wondering, if you aren't doing anything… how would you like spending some time with Teddy.'' I ask.

''Oh Christian I would love to.'' She exclaims happily ''where are we going?''

''Ana and I need to talk, and Kate and Elliot or Kate's brother for that matter I don't feel comfortable with watching him, so I thought that maybe you would want to, but I f you can't I fully underst…'' I know she will stop me.

''Yes! I'll watch him… I can't wait till he knows I'm his grandmother. Christ I'm a grandmother.'' She says, and I can hear her smile. She was concerned about our age, because we are young, but mom got fast over the age problem. My dad though I'm not sure. He has really high expectations of me. I love him, but he really does expects too much of me, he doesn't of Elliot or Mia, so it's frustrating.

''Yeah mom you are.'' And I can't either help the smile.

''And you're a father… wow.'' She whispers, so I think dad might be close by. I'm a father, I really can't believe it. When I learned about Teddy I freaked out, but now that I've spent some time with him I'm starting to get excited about it. As excited you can be when you're 21 and learning about your 4 year old son. I am excited, but still in shock.

''Tell me about it… I have to work now mom, can you be at Ana's at 4:30?''

''I'll be there, bye son. I love you.'' She answers.

''Love you too mom. Bye.'' And I hang up.

I tried working for an hour but my head wasn't in it. I got through one report but I think I should read it again when I'm more focused. I called Claude, since I have 3 hours until I'm meeting Ana. I need to hit the shit out of that bag again, I think I might explode. I every fucking minute since I woke up I've been thinking of Ana, naked.

''Still Ana you're picturing?'' Claude asks as I go at it with full force.

''I never _pictured_ Ana… but this is my ugly face on the bag.'' I answer and hit it again.

''Okay… and what did your ugly face do?'' god he's curious. But it kind of helps talking while hitting. It helps getting the frustration out.

''I fucked her.'' and I hit hard, because I should never had done that to her, she deserves so much better. She deserves someone gentler than me. Someone, who can keep her heart in his hands without crushing it, I simply cannot do that.

''So you fucked her. Why?'' he asks. This is the reason I don't visit Flynn that often, because I don't like sitting on a couch talking through things, trying to find better solutions, this is way more effective. If I could hit Flynn every now and then, that would be great.

''I just had to.'' I can't believe my own words, it's true, but I don't know, this has become a huge mess. I'm confused with myself with Ana, and I hate it. I feel so out of control.

''You didn't_ have_ to do anything.'' He says. But I did, she was sitting there so close, and it just happened.

''But I had to, she had just told me that… and she was sitting there… I couldn't stop myself.'' I tried, I really tried thinking about something else, and it was just not working. She could've stopped me at any time, but she didn't, so I didn't stop.

''I really don't understand, what had she just told you?'' he asks.

''That she didn't have sex since our first time, so I fucked her.'' Why did she say that? Is that even true? It seemed like she knew what to do, and how to respond perfectly to my movements.

''Christian! Aren't you trying to work things out with her and your son.'' he ask.

''My dick took over my brain.'' I felt like a horny 14 year old again, and I didn't think with what I should've thought with.

''Ah I see.'' He says dragging out the see… ''So you're fuck buddies now?''

''No! Ana is not like that.'' I wouldn't mind that actually, but that just don't seem like her style. Plus I could never do that to her, we have son together. We will be a part of each others lives, so we can't make it more embarrassing than it already is. And if we end up friends with benefits and it goes badly, we're still stuck with each other.

''Do you want to be that?'' _YES! __**NO! **__I don't know._

''Yes, I would like to be with her but she deserves more, and I'm not her more.'' I can't think about _more_, it just doesn't feel right, I don't do MORE.

''Have you thought about her as your sub?'' That's the bad thing about being drunk. I someone gets you drunk enough you let your guards down and all your secrets keep flowing out.

''Ah! Why did I tell you about that?''

''Because you love Me.'' he mocks. ''Have you ever tried a normal relationship without BDSM?''

''Have you?'' We were both really, totally shit faced drunk when we told each other. He was 22 years old, I was 20. He's training to become a kick boxer, and he was stressed out so I took him out to a bar. And he kept whining about getting laid, so he said **'I'm gonna call my sub, I really need some fucking now.'** and I was also really drunk so I was like super happy _'I also have a sub!' _and he was like **'No!'** and I was like _'yeah'_ and he said **'we should totally go to some clubs together'** and I said _'totally.'_ It's actually really funny, and stupid. I remember some parts of that night; Claude remembers something so together we think we have the full story. We have actually gone to a few clubs together.

''Nope.'' He grins. Claude doesn't do contracts, he goes to the clubs try them out if he likes them then he gets their number and he calls them and asks if they're available whenever he needs them. If it wasn't for the safety of a contract I might have done that too.

''Yes I've had one normal relationship, with a person I very much was in love with. A person, named Ana.''

''God you've got it bad!'' he laughs.

''I know. I _had_'' I say, and he gives me a look that say 'yeah right'.

We ended up in the ring together after we talked, and he knocked me down, something that pisses me more off. Plus he hit me once in the face, and I feel a bruise starting to form. I went over to Ana's half an hour before mom was coming over. Teddy was surprised and happy to see me again. Teddy was eating the left over's of the mac n cheese, when my mom arrived. He remembered that she was a doctor and that her name's Grace. Mom seemed to be really happy about that.

I'm afraid my dad won't only be pissed at me when I tell him about Teddy, but also at mom because she's spending time with him. I really didn't think of that. I can always say mom didn't know, but when he notices that Teddy knows her he will figure it out. _Shit!_ I really need to him soon. It's not that he won't be 'happy' because I think he will after a while; it's just that there's so much more for me out there.

''So… tell me'' Ana tries getting my attention, I look at her waiting for her to continue ''what happened to your face.'' She genuinely looks concerned.

''Kick boxing happened. It will be fine, it doesn't hurt too much.'' She leans over the table and touch where the bruise is starting to show above my right eye. I feel her breath on my face as she examines it. And I can't take it. ''Ana, please.'' She looks me in my eyes, her lips a few centimeters from mine. If I just lean in a little bit our lips will touch. She looks down on my lips and swallows, ''don't'' I whisper.

She leans back in her seat again, giving me small smile. ''Sorry, it just looks bad… I'm sorry… I just mean… it looks like it hurts.'' She looks away and blushes. She's cute when her face is all shades of red.

''It did, not anymore.'' We're sitting at the café and are waiting for our food and drinks. I think Ana felt insecure in front of my mom, and maybe a bit guilty. ''Ana, let's just get this out there. I want to be a part of Teddy's life.''

''You have been really good with him Christian. But there is this part of me that thinks that… well he is 4 years old, and he is a smart boy… much of the hard part is over with… and maybe you wouldn't want to be a part of his life if he was a baby now.'' she looks anywhere but at me. ''I mean… he knows different from right and wrong… mostly at least… he knows what's rude and not rude… he's grown up compared to when he was a baby.''

''I can't prove you right or wrong, because it's too late for that,'' she meets my eyes ''but… I fell in love with that boy the first time I saw him. I'll admit when we were on our way to the hospital I was furious, and didn't want to have anything to do with you… but when you took me in to meet him, I just loved him admittedly.''

''I know you did, I saw it in your eyes'' I frown at her ''it was the same way you looked at me when we first made love'' she shrugs, and my heart breaks a little.

''_But_ I wanted to catch up on _you_,'' she lifts her head up looking surprised. ''There's something I've been wondering of… well many things actually. About school, and your pregnancy, but I realized I don't know when my own son was born.'' She smiles warmly at me.

''Christian you gave me the best, and I mean _the best_… Valentine's Day present ever. He was born February 14th 2010… he was 1 week late, but…'' she smiles ''he's the best thing that ever happened to me.'' and my first thought is that, her happiness is this little boy, this little boy I wanted to kill, just because I was scared, for what? ''Christian don't.'' she says and before I can ask what she continues ''I thought I would never forgive you, never wanted to forgive you, but I've seen how much you struggle with it.'' She looks me deep in the eyes ''I forgive you, forgive yourself.''

''How can I?'' I whisper.

''Just know that you have an amazing son, and that he loves you as much as you love him… and if you're serious about this, we can tell him who you are… But just know that I won't go to a judge and get shared custody over him, but I won't keep him from you.'' She smiles ''I'm still not sure about the living situation, maybe we'll go back to my dad, maybe we'll stay. I need to figure something's out. But Teddy is your son, and you have a right to be in his life you want.''

''You forgive me?''I whisper ''how?''

''I do Christian. It's seems like you hate yourself for the both of us, but stop it.'' She explains.

''You trust me with Teddy?'' I ask with a hint of hope in my voice

''I do'' she say and I can't help it I jump up and walk to her side of the table and lean down and kiss her. It was meant to be a chaste but the second our lips met, our tongues met. I stood like that, until a waitress asked me to sit down. We couldn't stop laughing at that, and Ana was so red.

Ana told me about her schooling. That she took her GED before she left Seattle, and worked part time until Teddy was born. She also told me that Ray knows that I'm Teddy's father, she didn't tell him what I asked her to do, but I feel like I should have a talk with him, explain things and thank him.

Ray had a trouble with his back, so it was an easy decision for him to stay home with Teddy. Ana worked at a hardware store in Vancouver, to have money for school, and she sent some home so Ray could pay for Teddy's daycare. I feel bad about that. Here I was making more money that a teen could need, and she was struggling going to school and have a son. I've sent millions to less fortunate countries, while I had a son, and his mom was struggling doing it all. When Teddy started in daycare, Ray went part time back to his old job.

Ana worked really hard through college, with both school and her job, so it's amazing that she graduated with a 4.0 GPA. Because of all her hard work she and Teddy haven't been on a vacation. He's been fishing with Ray, but nothing more than that, so I really want to take them on a well deserved vacation some time.

We were back in Ana's apartment at 7 pm. Kate were there and had told mom she could go home, but my mom didn't feel comfortable with leaving him with her so she stayed. Something I'm glad she did. Ana and I made plans to go back to the Café tomorrow to talk some more, it went better than I thought. Neither of us mentioning the night we shared She told me she was waiting for the right guy, that she wanted love, but Teddy was more important now, and I'm glad she is focusing on Teddy and not dating.

I tucked Teddy into bed again, and this time I sat with him for almost an hour reading a book. God I love that boy, he means so much to me. And so does his mother too.


	7. Chapter 7

**Christian's POV**

I wake up screaming. I'm all alone in Escala, and have this awful feeling of being lonely; I've always been lonely so it can't be _that_. I see the clock on the night stand is only 3 am. I normally wake up at this time, screaming and kicking. I'm really relived that it didn't happen when I was sleeping next to Ana. If I ever hurt I would die. Well if I ever psychically harmed her, that is. I have hurt her so many times by now, that I've lost count. But she also hurt me; just not at the same level I did her.

I could see the pain in her eyes for a swift moment when the words ''quick fuck'' left my mouth, but I did it to protect her. Of course I want her, but she's not looking for someone like me. She told me yesterday about how she sees her life in 10 years. Married, more kids, happy, and that's not with me. She wants a guy that understands her and cherish her love her till his left breath, she wants romance, hearts and flowers. And I can't be that guy. She said it's important that the guy loves Teddy just as much as he loves her. I'm afraid that when she finds her 'prince charming' he doesn't want to live here, and they leave with Teddy. I know I'll always be a part of his life, but the further he's away the harder it gets. I will do anything I can to be with him as much as possible, but I have my job and it needs me now.

Grey Enterprises Holdings is still so new, I started it 3 years ago, actually around 5 years but it became _real__ 2_ years ago. I love my job and I love that it is time consuming, well I loved that it was that, because I had so many things I wanted to forget. Now I'm afraid that GEH will take too much of my time and I won't get to spend enough time with Teddy before he and Ana might leave Seattle.

I know the clock is only 4 am now, but I send Ana a text asking her if they want to go out for breakfast. I've been sitting in my home office for an hour now and been working better than I expected. I had a few emails that needed answering and Ros has a new project she thinks we should invest in. Normally I would be all in, but we have many projects going on at the moment and I don't want to become like the companies I buy; failed.

Often I buy companies fix and mix them, and then break it up and sell the parts to other companies, but a few I keep myself. The ones I _really_ see potential in I keep. I don't buy the companies to screw people over, the owner of the company might think that's what I'm doing, but I'm not. If I don't buy it they will probably go under, and thousands upon thousands workers may lose their jobs. So I buy them so that most of the people in the company can keep their jobs. When I sell them over to someone else, I know that there's a risk they will then screw the workers over, but I do back ground check on everyone that wants to buy one of my companies, and I don't let _anyone_ just buy it. I don't care shit about how much you want to pay for the company; I care about any ulterior motives. And if you have a clean background check then you may buy one of my side companies.

I've been working really intently and jump a little when my phone *pings* with a text from Ana, I look at the clock and see it's already 8 am.

***I asked Teddy, and he really wants to go to IHOP, so if you're in we can pick you up?**

I'm about to a text a 'sure' back, when I remember what kind of car she drives. I meant to buy her a new one, but we can do that together today, and Teddy can see if there are any cars he would like mommy to have. I need her and Teddy to be safe, and I know that all kinds of accidents can happen when you drive, but when you drive a car like – what did she call her? Wanda? – Well when you drive a car like that, you're asking for an accident. I can't believe she's been driving that thing around, and with Teddy. They drove from Vancouver to Seattle, god it's amazing that they're both unharmed.

***No I'll pick you up; I know the prefect thing to do after breakfast.**

***Okay**

She answers and I jump in the shower real quick before getting to my car. It's amazing how well I remember my way over to Ana's, it all comes naturally when I drive. I stopped on the way to buy a car seat to Teddy.

When I'm outside of their apartment I see Teddy jumping up and down, and his hair going all ways. We have the same hair color and almost everything between us is the same, he has Ana's eyes though. She has the most beautiful eyes ever, and those eyes on Teddy are so fucking cute. _Cute?_ I have to stop using that word.

I go out of the car and Teddy runs over to me, ''you wanna spend time with me today too?'' he asks with huge hopeful eyes. I nod and lean down to hug him; he's becoming my buddy more and more every day. I look up at Ana, and also give her a hug, but it's more of an awkward hug than anything else. I fast Teddy in his seat and sit down behind the wheel.

''Wow, love your car.'' Ana says as she looks around inside of the car.

''You want one?'' she looks over at me with huge eyes before she laughs and say 'no way.' She still doesn't want me to buy her a car, but I will buy one to her whether she likes it or not. All the way to IHOP I sit listening to Teddy comparing Wanda and my Audi A3 e-tron, which is the most family like car I own. Usually I drive my R8, but I chose this one because of Teddy.

''You can wipe that smirk of your face Christian'' Ana says, I can't help smirking when Teddy obviously loves my car, more than Ana's.

''Sorry'' I mutter low, but there's no way my smirk is going anywhere. If she doesn't want to listen to me then she should listen to her son. We drive in almost silence to IHOP. It's silent between Ana and me, but we answer Teddy when he asks either one of us questions.

We arrive at IHOP and when the door closes behind us I freeze. I lock eyes with Mia, and she's there with dad. When we were younger and mom worked on the weekend's dad took us to IHOP. Mom hates this place, but I only have good memorizes from here.

Ana tugs at my arm and I look down on her face. ''Do you want to leave?'' I shake my head, I need to do this, plus Mia has already seen me. ''I'll take Teddy to the bathroom, I'll try keeping him there as long as I can.'' I nod at her and she takes Teddy by the hand and walk over to the bathrooms.

I look at them as they go. When I look back at the table Mia and dad is sitting on, I see that dad has turned around. I try to stay as calm as possibly as I stand at their table. I sit down and completely ignore Mia, only looking at dad. ''That is Ana's son'' I say turning my head towards the toilets. I hear Mia say 'awww he's so cute' but I continue ignoring her, looking dad deeply in the eyes as I say what I need to say. ''He's also my son,'' the little smile he had on his face totally disappeared.

''What? You have a _son_, and you haven't told us? – Did you know about him?'' he asks all these questions, and Teddy and Ana might come out anytime soon.

''I'll tell you everything, I promise, but not now. Teddy doesn't know that I'm his father… If you have time we can take lunch at GEH tomorrow and talk about it okay?'' he nods. ''No one tells anything to Teddy about me being his dad.'' I say, first looking at dad, then at Mia. I'm more afraid of Mia; it's so like her to not keep 'secrets.'

Ana and Teddy walk out of the toilets and as soon as Teddy sees me he runs over to us. I stand and pick him up. Ana is by my side in seconds and we look at Teddy, so does dad and Mia. I don't know how long we stand like that, but it begins to be awkward.

''May we join you?'' I ask them, and Mia shrieks 'YES' while dad says 'of course.' We sit down in their booth. I sit down beside my dad, and Ana and Teddy on Mia's side. ''Teddy, this is my dad'' I say gesturing to dad I turn to Mia and say ''and this is my little sister Mia.''

''Hey Teddy. Nice to meet you.'' Mia smiles at Teddy.

''My real name is Theodore, but everybody calls me Teddy, sometimes Ted.'' He says while looking at the menu. ''Can I have pancakes?'' he asks, and Ana nod at him.

''My gramps' name is also Theodore.'' Mia says to Teddy, while looking at me. I can only give her a tight smile.

Dad was really quiet through breakfast, and only asked and answered a few questions. Mia on the other hand was all over Teddy asking questions right and left. All in all it went really well. Now we're on our way to buy Ana a new car, she still doesn't know about it.

''What are we doing here?'' Ana asks, looking at all the cars on display.

''Buying you a car'' I say as I stop the car. I go out and get Teddy out of his seat while ask him ''you want mommy to have a new car, right buddy.'' He nods his agreements and run over to the cars.

''It's Sunday.'' She tries to argument with.

''I called them.'' When I called they didn't hesitate to say yes. I've bought many cars from here. Many of my closest employees have an Audi A3, so does my 3 contracted subs.

''You called them and they opened it only for you?'' If you have money, it's amazing what people will do for you.

''Yeah, Come one in.'' I go over to Teddy where he's looking at one of the race cars.

''I can't believe you.'' Ana mumbles behind me.

Teddy really wanted Ana to have a race car, but she went for a white Audi A3. I'm actually relived that she picked white and not red. We went back to Ana's apartment. Kate and Elliot, where on their way out when we got in. The tension between the 4 of us was really uncomfortable. We watched a movie 'Tarzan' as we waited for my mom to come watch Teddy. I was pleasantly surprised when I saw that dad was with her. I guess she told him she knew about Teddy, it was better for him to hear it from my mother, then from me.

Ana and I were supposed to go back to the café, but drove to a little Italian restaurant. We still have much to catch up on.

''So you took your GED before you left Seattle?'' she nods '' I didn't know that.''

''We weren't speaking.'' She explains.

''Did you have any complications with the pregnancy?'' This must be the most unpleasantly small talk I have ever said.

''Except the birth, there was none.'' And then we were quiet.

We got our food, and we ate for a while without talking. When we're almost done with eating, I realize that we haven't talked about anything really. I'm trying to find things we can talk about but come up with nothing.

''You said you wanted more children'' is _that the best you could come up with? ''_how many do you see yourself having?'' do I really want to know this? Do I want to talk about the life she will have one day without me?

''I want a girl, if the next is a girl then 2 is enough for me… but I want to wait a few years, till Teddy is older.'' I can picture Ana's daughter. A little version of Ana, I see a lot of dark hair and blue mesmerizing eyes. _Stop it now, Grey. _

Okay that was a one road way to nothing. We're both silent again.

''So how do you see your future 'prince charming' to be'' I ask. _Really Grey? Are you out to get hurt, even if you don't have a heart, do you really want to know?_

''I guess I'll now, when I'm looking at him.'' She says, looking intently into my eyes. I know it's just wishful thinking, but I can't help smile.

We didn't get to talk much at the restaurant. It was the plan; it just didn't work out that way. I stop at a red light, and look over at Ana. When our eyes lock she opens her mouth slightly and her breathing becomes heavier. Just one kiss, I can kiss her one more time. I lean in, and our lips are almost touching, then we hear another car honk behind us, and I see it's now a green light.

I drive and see an empty parking lot and drive in. It's raining like hell outside, so no matter what happens now, no one can see us.

''Where are you going'' Ana asks, calmly.

''We need to talk about this,'' I say while I motion my hand between us.

''No we don't!'' she almost scream in my ear. _Damn!_

''Just hear me out okay?'' this might end for my favor, or it may ruin everything I'm trying to fix. ''If you don't like what I have to say we never have to talk about it again.''

I park the car at the end of the empty parking lot.

''Friday night was…''

''Why are you doing this? You've already said what you felt about it.'' I haven't said the truth about it.

I lean over and place a finger on her beautiful lips. ''Just listen to me, please…'' she nods so I continue ''why did you go into your room with me?'' I take my finger away from her lips, so she can answer me.

''Christian…'' she blushes ''it's embarrassing.''

''Let me tell why I pulled you into your room… I wanted you. I've wanted you since the moment I saw you by my bed. Then when I kissed you Friday night, I wanted you more.'' I lean over so we're face to face ''I've never been so physically attracted to anyone before, and I've never lost control like that before. You drive me insane Anastasia.'' Her breath is shallow. ''Why did you go into that room with me?''

''I wanted you,'' her voice is low and heavy and it sounds almost like a moan.

My head lowers to hers, my hand on her neck, lifting her chin up so my tongue can go deeper. She lifts her hand to my hair and grabs a fistful, pulling me closer. My hands reached for the buttons of her blouse, unbuttoning as fast as I can. ''God you're beautiful.'' I say as my hands skim up her waist, resting just below the curve of her breasts. I slide my hand on her shoulders, slipping her bra straps down, and pull the cups bellow the swell of her breasts, and lower my mouth to her chest.

She arches her back and cries out as my mouth finds her nipple, twisting it, in an odd angle. I can't take leaning over the console like this anymore; I glide my seat back as far as it goes, then grab her upper arm and pull her over the console, till she's straddling me. She bites my lower lip, and then she runs her tongue over it. And _damn_ that's hot!

I groan and wrap my arms around her back, and pull her against me, as I take control of the kiss. I lift her skirt, so that I have full access to her legs and ass. I love it when she wears skirts, I can see her sexy legs, and it gives me easy access. My fingers loop around her panties to slide them down. She rises up on her knees and lifts her legs, so I can pull them off. I toss them into the passenger seat. She unfastens my jeans and tugs them down.

The rain is blurring the outside world; the outside world doesn't exist in here, only me and Ana. My hand slips between her legs, and she gasps when my finger slides in her, I move my mouth onto her breasts again. She moans, and my free hand pulls her head down as I lean up to kiss her. The kiss is wild as she presses herself into my hand.

''I want you ready for me'' I mumble against her lips.

''I'm ready now.'' I reach into my pocket and pull out a condom, pulling it quickly on. I look into her eyes as I enter her, grabbing her hips and pulling her down on top of me. I start slow, so the pressure builds, until I'm not keeping up with her body's commands as she presses her hands on my shoulder taking the control. I lean my head back and stare at her face. I didn't think I could ever enjoy that someone took control on me like that. She grabs my cheeks and kisses me, thrusting her tongue into my mouth, as I thrust into her. She's close, so she quickens her movements; I match her pace, pushing her over the edge. She cries out pressing hard against me. I'm close behind her lifting her hips and pulling her against me until I groan and push deeper one last time.

She leans her forehead against mine, as I close my eyes to recover, and get my breathing under control, then she lifts my lips to hers, kissing me gently. The rain is till heavy against the windows, so no one could've seen us. I lift her off me and turn her, so her legs are draped over the console. Her skirt is pulled up, and her blouse spread wide open. She looks so beautiful, she's pure perfection. I kiss her long, slow and gently.

''Christian, what are we doing?'' she ask, our foreheads pressed together.

''Do we need to talk about the birds and the bees, Ana?'' I ask, in a mocking tone.

''We have an amazing physical relationship, what about the rest?'' I know she's asking, 'what about more?'

''You've made it clear that you're waiting on your perfect guy, and I think we both know I'm not that person… I don't expect you to settle for me, so I have a proposition.''

''And that is?'' okay, here goes.

''We've admitted that we're attracted to each other physically, and we obviously both find it hard to control ourselves… so what if we just keep doing _this_, until you find 'Prince Charming'?''

''…''


	8. Chapter 8

** I hope you'll like this chapter, but I need to warn you that for some people it might be a bit hard to read. There will be someone who's soon dying in the story. So Ana's POV might be a bit emotional.**

**Christian's POV (Sunday)**

''Wow, wow, wow, _wow_, Grey. What's going on?'' Claude asks as I hit, kick and bang my head against the punching bag. ''What happened?'' he asks, when I don't answer. ''Christian!'' he walks over and start shaking me ''are…are you crying?''

''She said no, she fucking said no… she said it might be time for her and Teddy to go back to Montesano… and she… she's just running, and she's taking Teddy.'' I can't believe it. If I never asked her to have this fucking relationship would she still run? Did I ruin this for good? _Fuck_, I'm stupid.

''Tell me what happened'' he says as we sit down, and I dry my tears. I've cried more this last few days then I have in all my life. I need to get myself together.

_**-Flashback Ana—**_

''_Christian, what are we doing?'' his mouth lifts into a smirk._

''_Do we need to talk about the birds and the bees, Ana?'' he says, in a mocking tone._

''_We have an amazing physical relationship, what about the rest?'' I want more, I want to have a relationship with him, and I want us to be happy together. My 'prince charming' as he calls it is Christian, it has always been him. Even when I left it was him, why can't he see it?_

_His smile falters ''you've made it clear that you're waiting on your perfect guy, and I think we both know I'm not that person… I don't expect you to settle for me, so I have a proposition.''_

''_And that is?'' I look up at him skeptical._

_He places his fingers between my breast and brush tender strokes. ''We've admitted that we're attracted to each other physically, and we obviously find it hard to control ourselves… so what if we just keep doing this, until you find 'Prince Charming'?''_

_I stiffen and sit up. ''You want me to be your booty call?'' _

''_No!'' he sounds panicked, and his eyes widen ''I mean we can do this, but I'm looking for more than just a booty call, we can try to be friends'' Friends...Is he kidding? Shouldn't we already be that before we start a relationship like this? ''We're both consenting adults Ana, and you're waiting for, you know… but we're both incredibly attracted to each other, so why not?''_

''_I don't know'' I try to slide over the passenger seat, but Christian holds me in place. _

''_We can have more than sex,'' I purse my lips ''we can be friends… say yes Anastasia. One word. Yes.'' A thrill races through me at the thought of doing this again. But I can't do this; I've never been a casual-sex kind of person, well I have only ever had sex with Christian, but it sounds so wrong the way he says it._

''_We can't do that to Teddy, it's not fair to him… if we walk around all happy, it will get his hopes up. And when we tell him you're his father, he will think mommy and daddy are happy and love each other, while we obviously don't,'' well, you obviously don't. ''Things with Kate aren't the best now, I think that tomorrow we will go back to Montesano.'' I'm on the verge of tears. Ray called yesterday and told me it is happening soon. _

_Ray has lung cancer; I've known for a few weeks, he knew a few years back there was a possibility of it coming, but he didn't take it serious enough. That's why he quit his job, and that's why he wanted to stay home with Teddy. He's already in stage 4, and there's nothing we can do. Don't think about it Ana, don't cry, I try telling myself. But it's too late, the waterworks starts. _

''_No, baby. Don't cry, I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable.'' He hugs me tightly. ''Can't I make you stay?'' _

''_No'' I don't want to sit on his lap anymore; he doesn't stop me while I get back in my seat._

_-Flashback End—_

''So they're leaving tomorrow?'' Claude asks, after a long silent break. I don't understand why she's going back so suddenly. If things aren't okay with Kate, she can come and live with me, I've already got a room for Teddy. I don't have toys and stuff like that yet, but I have a bed and dressers.

''Yeah, and I can't stop them, I've ruined everything.'' I saw a future with Teddy, I looked forward to seeing him grow, but now I'll only see how far he has grown every weekend. I will lose all special moments, many firsts.

''Why are they leaving? Why so soon?'' If only I knew, if I knew how I could keep them here I would do anything, but she won't talk to me.

''I don't know''

''Didn't you ask?'' Claude asks. Why would I ask? She said _why_ plus I know that fuck buddies are probably what ruined it all. I am what ruined it all.

''No, because she's running''

''She'll only be 2 hours away, you can see Teddy if you want.'' Only 2 hours away? That's 2 hours too long, she should be right by my side. What if an accident happens and I'm 2 hours away? What if something really bad happens, I won't get the chance to say good bye. I could never live with that, I could never forgive myself if something like that happened.

''On the weekends? It… it's not enough, I want to come home and eat dinner with him, tuck him into bad, wake him up every morning, or have him waking me up. I want to do all that… with Ana.''

''_God Grey_! I can't deal with you anymore. One second you seem head over heels, the next you're moody. Grow the fuck up, and talk to her.'' I am talking to her; we're not seeing eye to eye on anything. And every time I say something wrong, she's out of here.

''She'll run'' I can't tell her about BDSM, it would ruin things more than it already is. If she knew what I do, or did to subs she would resent me. If she knew why they look the way they look, she won't hesitate by taking Teddy away forever.

''Further'' he asks. ''She's already running, because you're not honest with her.'' She's been back in Seattle 3-4 days; it takes time to tell things, she's running too soon. She's not giving me a fucking chance.

''That's not why she's running, she is running because I'm an ass.'' I've always been an ass, and she may say that she doesn't hate me for what happened 4 years back, but I know she does. She always will and I can't do anything to change that. And now I can't show her that I can be the father Teddy deserves.

''Get you shit together man.'' And he's gone. He just walked out. Took his stuff and headed for the elevator. _Fuck!_ I'm making him run now to, I'm a shitty friend.

**(MONDAY)**

I'm outside Ana's apartment. It's 10 am, and my phone has been going crazy. Ros is texting me every other second asking where the hell I am. Well I'm saying goodbye to my son, so they can fuck off. I've been here since 7 o'clock and I woke them all. But I wanted to spend a few hours with them before they left. My plan was to sit home being moody, but I needed to see them.

''We're all set,'' Ana says as she takes Teddy's bag in her new car.

''Hey buddy'' I squat down at his level, and hug him ''I love you, and I'll visit soon okay?'' he nods as he holds me as tight as he can; he really is a small boy.

''I'll miss you Cwistian.'' We've become really close these last few days, and I wish it didn't have to end so soon.

''I know, buddy. I'll miss you so much,'' I lift him up, and carry him to the car, and fasten him in his seat. ''Bye little man, see you soon.'' I kiss his cheek and close his door. I want to give Ana the cold shoulder, for doing this to me again. But I can't, I take her in my arms and hug her, like we won't ever see each other again, crushing her to my chest. ''I'm sorry, baby'' I look in the car window and see that Teddy isn't looking before I bend down to give her a chaste kiss. ''Call me if there's anything you need, just call me whenever. I will never be too busy to answer your calls I promise,'' she nods and surprisingly hugs me back. ''I'm sorry for everything… you have all my numbers, please call every day, or at least try. I'll come and visit as soon as I can.'' I give her one more, chaste kiss, and she's in the car, driving away.

I'm heading over to GEH now, I've looked through all my texts from Ros, and they're not pleasant. She has called me almost every bad word in the book. As I drive into the parking garage I see her by the elevator. When she see's my car, she walks towards me.

''You Grey, are a big headed asshole.'' It looks like she might slap me.

''It was only _one_ meeting, I'm sure you handled it.'' I say, completely ignoring the angry look on her face.

''Oh, I would've handled it, if you had sent me your fucking notes! It wasn't even my meeting, it was _yours._ I made a fool out of myself, you jerk.'' I guess that was a shitty thing of me to do, but still Teddy is more important. ''What was more important than this meeting?''

''None of your business,'' I say and move away from the car, over to the elevators.

''None of my business?'' she asks ''you could've warned me about the meeting! I was in my office going through some of the newest reports, when Andrea ran into my office and didn't know what to do. You really are stupid Grey. A fucking adolescent, that's what you are.'' That hurt, I hate when people in the business branch, use my age like that. Yes I'm young, but I know so much more than most business men… and women.

''Fuck off, Ros'' we enter the elevator; I really wish she would've taken another elevator. I keep telling myself, _she's a girl, Christian, don't hit her. _

''Tell me!'' I'm seconds away for lashing out on her if she doesn't back off soon.

''I said. Fuck. Off. Rosabel'' she backs off when I use her real name.

I head into my office, to get the fuck away from her. I sit down and open my computer. On my desk there's a notebook. In the notebook are all Ros' notes from the meeting. I read through them, and see what they've agreed on. When I look at what she's done, I don't think I would've made that much out of the deal. I sigh, as I go to apologize.

''You did good Ros,'' I lean against her office door.

''I know I did, I always do. But you still should've said something.'' She doesn't look at me, her head deep in the report she's reading through. Most of the reports we have are on computer, but she always prints them out, and highlights and writes on the side of them.

''I know, I'm sorry… what did you do get them to sign?'' I ask curiously, I never thought they would sign, when I called for the meeting, they didn't seem interested at all.

''Showed them the girls'' she says looking up with a huge grin while holding her chest. I chuckle and shake my head. ''They weren't a fan of _you_, so it's a good thing you didn't show. They wouldn't sign it over to you, but they would sign to me.''

''They know that I have a say in every business that we take over right?'' Did they think that only Ros would be responsible for it?

''I have no idea, but they signed.'' I really hope she went through the contract with them.

''Ros! They could sue us for that, for giving them wrong information.'' Well they can't if they've signed, but still.

''No they can't, they choose to not read through the contract. They're at fault if they're not happy.'' That is a good point. Who the fuck doesn't read through a contract? Do they realize that they signed over their company? You should always read through that, it's not like choosing which McDonalds to go to.

''If this ends badly, I'm holding you personally responsible.'' It won't end badly, but they can show up here angry as fuck and demand a new contract. We haven't ducked them over, _but_ they could've done better.

''Chill boss, everything's good.'' I nod as I leave her office. Ros is right, she's always right. She is one of the smartest people in the business branch, so I trust her.

I sit down again at my office, trying to forget everything that has happened the last 12 hours. I get my concentration back after about an hour. But then that is broken because of course I said I could have lunch with dad today. Fuck!

''Dad can we just not talk about it please'' I ask over the phone, I don't want him to come over now, I think if I talk or think more about it, I will break down. ''Ana left today, and I don't think she's coming back. I need to think things through, I'll talk to you later.''

''She left? Just like that? I want an explanation as soon as possible Christian.''

''I'll give you an explanation when I know what's going on.'' A lie, a total lie, I know what's going on. I won't think through it, I need to not think of it.

''Okay, bye son, I love you'' he says, it sounds as if he's not happy with not talking about it today.

''Bye.''

I worked late, without any breaks. Now I'm at Escala, tired as fuck. I should probably call Ana, but it's late. As I lie my head down on the pillow, my phone rings. I look at the screen and see its Elliot.

''Hey'' my voice sounds groggy, well I am tired.

''Hi, how you're doing bro? With Ana gone I mean.'' _I'm doing great!_ My inner self snarls.

''I've been better.'' Way better than this. It didn't hurt this much when Ana left Seattle 4 years back.

''She's coming back, you know. Surly you can make it one week.'' 1 week, she didn't say that. She told Elliot, and not me?

''She's coming back in one week?'' I ask in disbelieve, surly she would've said that to me? Wouldn't she?

''Yeah… you didn't know?'' _Of course I knew, I'm just acting stupid, you fucktard._

''No''

''I'm surprised you're not with her, for support that is.'' What's going on? I'm I getting punk'd?

''I'm really tired Elliot, and I don't understand what you're saying. Why should I be with Ana for support?''

''Well considering her dad is dying…'' I bolt up in a sitting position.

''He's what?'' I snap at him.

''She didn't tell you? He has stage 4 lung cancer, that's at least what Kate said.'' Cancer? Stage 4? _Shit!_

''Fuck. I need to go.''

**-TUESDAY ANA—**

Ray is in the ICU. The doctors say he doesn't have much longer. Maybe a few days. Maybe a day. Maybe less. How can my world fall apart so entirely at once? Looking at Ray now I gasp. I haven't seen him in less than a month, but he looks so much older now. Ray is hooked up to a lot of machines, it's a little overwhelming and intense since I'm not a fan of hospitals. He has IVs and monitors, and he's wearing an oxygen mask. He has a difficult time breathing, which makes it hard for him to talk.

Ray's eyes are closed, but his chest rises and falls in an exaggerated movement. The mask on his face releases a hiss from the steady stream of oxygen. I'm sitting in the chair next to his bed. He was asleep most of the day yesterday, so I haven't had a chance to talk to him yet. Teddy hasn't seen him, and I'm not sure if he should. Teddy is home with Jose and he's bringing him here later.

''Annie?'' I realize I'm holding my breath, as it comes out in a whoosh.

''Hey dad.''

''You came.'' Tears fill my eyes, and his chin trembles. In the 21 years I've been on this earth, I've never seen Ray cry, or as scared like he is now.

''Of course I came,'' his shaky hand lifts off the bed and lifts towards me. I leap out of the chair to stand next to him. He grabs my wrist, and more tears stream down both our faces. I'm frozen with fear, both for the apparatus around him now, and the fact I don't know what to say.

''Annie…'' I place my hand over his, he breaks into coughing and it takes him several minutes to recover. I hold his hand, careful of his IV. When he stops coughing he pulls his mask off his face. ''I have a lot I want to tell you, but not much time.''

''Daddy…'' I cry out ''don't say that.''

''I'm so proud of you, Annie. You are an amazing young woman, and an even more amazing mother.'' He takes the oxygen mask back to help breathing more easily.

''I couldn't have done it without you, dad, I wouldn't make it a day in my life without you.'' My tears won't stop falling down my face, I can't lose my dad I won't survive it.

''You're stronger then you give yourself credit for, sweetie.'' He looks up at the ceiling and exhales. ''Adopting you is one of the best thing that happened in my life,'' I smile at him ''then there's Teddy. He's one hell of a gift, and I wouldn't go back in time to change a thing, I don't regret one second that I stayed home with him.'' He goes into another coughing spell. ''You're the most important people in my life. If there's one thing I regret it's not telling you sooner, you deserved better. I should've told you the second I got diagnosed. But it was important for me that you finished college, I'm so proud of you for that.''

''Daddy'' I cry. I bite my lower lip to stop it from trembling.

''No need to be sorry, I've lived a good life. My time is done.'' After several minutes the nurse comes in behind me and rests her hand on my shoulder.

''He's sleeping; it looks like he said what he needed to say and wore himself out. If you want to stay with him a little longer you can.''

''Thank you'' I say, not bothering to try and hide my tears. I watch my father sleep, I'm exhausted but I'm not ready to leave yet. I lay my cheek on the mattress and close my eyes.

''You fell asleep…'' the nurse says as she pats me on the shoulder ''I hate to disturb you, but we have to do a procedure, you can come back in an hour.'' I stand and leave the room, emotionally and physically drained. When I open the doors to the waiting room, I see Teddy, Jose and Christian.

My heart leaps into my throat. Christian is sitting next Jose, with Teddy on his lap. When he sees me he sits Teddy down on the chair beside him and stands. So does Jose. I don't think twice about it as I lounge myself into Christian's arms. Jose stuffs his hands awkwardly in his pants, watching us.

''What… how did you know where I was?'' I ask, I never told him why I was heading back to Montesano.

''Kate told Elliot, Elliot told me. Are you okay?'' he hugs me tightly, and I love the comfort he gives me. I crave the comfort he gives me.

''Mommy!'' Teddy is by our side, pulling on both of our pants with his hands up. Christian lifts him up, and we're all 3 hugging. It's nice. It should've been this way since day one.

Christian sits down in the loveseat in the waiting room, and pulls me down next to him. He drapes my legs over his and wraps his arm around my back. Teddy is on his lap, and I rest my head against his chest. It doesn't take me long to doze off, because I know I'm exactly where I belong.


	9. Chapter 9

**(TUESDAY – Ana) **

My father died late in the night. I gripped his hand while Christian and Teddy stood on the other side of the bed. Christian held Teddy tight as he cried into his chest, and I could see that it killed him that we were both upset and there was nothing he could do to make it better.

The hospital asked about arrangements for my father's body, but I was lost. Christian shot me a glance, asking for permission to interfere. When I nodded he took control, making arrangements and phone calls. This is something he can take control of. When all the arrangement that he could take care of that late on a Tuesday night was done, Christian drove us home.

Dad wanted to talk to Christian alone, at the hospital. They talked for almost an hour, before dad fell asleep again. When he asked to see Teddy, I hesitated. But Teddy has lived with his pops for 3 years of his life, of course Teddy should've had the chance to say goodbye. Teddy understood what was going on; he's old enough to know that Ray won't ever come back.

He won't ever come back. My father won't ever come back. He won't ever call me asking how things are going. He won't ever call in happy delight while he tells what Teddy has done. He won't ever call me just to talk about anything and everything. He won't call me asking when I'm coming home next. He won't ever be home. I won't ever see him again.

I start violently crying, and I'm shaking up. I don't have a dad anymore. He's been there for me forever, and now I'm all alone. I'm screaming so much that it hurts my head. I can't help it, and I can't stop it. Tears are streaming in heavy tears down my face. I don't hear the door open, but suddenly Christian is by my side.

''Shhhh'' he soothes, as he hugs me tight from behind. ''Shhhhh, it will be okay, shhhh.'' My screaming stops, but I'm still shaking. He keeps soothing me, and spoons me. It's so comfortable. ''Sleep baby, everything will be okay.'' He kisses the back of my head, and after lying in that position a while, I drift off.

**(WEDNESDAY – Christian) **

I wake up when I hear someone calling ''Mama!'' I look over at Ana, and she's still asleep. I go out of bed and walk to Teddy's room. I don't remember the exact way, but I follow his calls. When I reach his door and open it, I'm stunned at what his room looks like. His walls are blue, a baby blue color, I'm guessing it has always been this color in his room. He has a normal size bed for someone his age, and dressers. But there are pictures everywhere. It's Teddy's whole life on the walls. Some small pictures some big. There's one of Teddy and Ray fishing, Teddy holding a fish. There are several of Ray, Teddy and Ana on picnics, or hiking trips. There are a few pictures from the day he was born, and some from Ana's pregnancy. It looks beautiful; it's amazing how much Teddy has done in his life already at the age of 4.

He has this whole life that I wasn't a part of, that I didn't get a chance to be a part of. You didn't want to be a part of it. I remind myself. If I knew back then all the things I know now, I would've done completely differently. If I knew what I'd be missing, I would've hunted Ana down until I found her. We would probably be married by now; we could've had this amazing life together. _No, she would never marry you!_ My inner self snarls at me.

''Chwistian!'' Teddy squeals when he sees me.

''Good morning, are you hungry?'' he nods, and he shows me the way to the kitchen. I'm in the kitchen, and I see where the food is, but I can't make shit. Toast, I should be able to make that. This is the reason I pick up something to eat before I get to work. ''Maybe we should make something for mommy too?''

After many burned toast and the kitchen looks like hell, I've managed to make toast for all of us. I make a plate to Ana, with sliced fruit on the side, orange juice and English breakfast tea. Teddy laughed at me every time I burned a new toast. It was good to hear him laugh, at a time like this. I try making the breakfast look good for Ana, whatever I can do to make her feel better I will do.

I walk to her room, and knock on her door. She doesn't answer, so I open the door. I look at her, and even though she's quiet she's shaking with sobs. She has a face turned away from the door, so I can't see if she's crying, but I guess she is.

''Ana, I've made you breakfast. You should try to eat something.'' I sit the food down on her nightstand. Her face is tearstained, and I'm guessing she's not asleep, but pretending to be. ''I'll be out in the living room with Teddy. Just call on me if you need anything, or come and join us if you feel better.'' If it wasn't for Teddy, I would lie beside her and hold her all day, all week. I see a faint nod, so I go back out to Teddy. I feel so helpless, there's nothing I can do to make her feel better.

I sent a mail to Ros, telling her I won't be in, in the week that comes. She wasn't all too happy about that, mostly because I won't tell her why. I also told her that, no matter where I am, I'll have my computer with me and my phone on, so she can email anything over to me, and call if there's anything. No matter how pissed Ros play, I know she's actually happy about me being away, she likes to be in charge.

There have been many people here today, with food and their condolences. Some came with toys to Teddy, some with flowers to Ana. Ana hasn't been out of her room today. I've been in her room with food and something to drink a few times, but she's barely touching it. We have food for a year, from the look of the kitchen. I appreciate it, because I can't cook. So this way Teddy and Ana get food, well food they can eat.

They guy that came with Teddy to the hospital yesterday came by. He ignored me and walked straight into Ana's room. After an hour I went to see how it went in there. I slowly and silently opened the door, and he was holding Ana while she cried into his chest. The sight of them hurt badly. So I closed the door quietly, and left them alone. Maybe he is the guy for her, maybe they have something going on because they seem close.

The guy walked out of Ana's room and out of the house without looking at me, a couple hours after I had put Teddy to bed. I expected Ana to come out after that, but she didn't. So I went to the guest room, to get some sleep. I had barely fallen asleep, and Ana's cries started. And as I did the night before, I went into her room and held her as she fell asleep.

Surely Ana and that guy can't be together. If they were, why am I holding her while she cries herself to sleep? That is her boyfriend's job, and since I'm the one here, I assume she doesn't have a boyfriend. Not long after she fell asleep, I drifted off.

**(THURSDAY – Ana)**

I wake up hot again, hearing Teddy calling for me. Seconds after Teddy has called I feel Christian move away from my body, and I instantly feel cold. I really don't have the energy to wake up; I don't want to wake up. If I could go to sleep, and never wake up that would be perfect. I'm a mother, I have a son. I'm not supposed to think I like this; I have to be strong for Teddy. But I can't.

I'm really grateful for Christian, and it's amazing that he has taken time off his job to be here for us, to be here for Teddy. I'm grateful that he comes in a few times with food, and something to drink. Yesterday he came in here about 20 times with flowers. The room really smells of them. I have yet to be out in the living room and kitchen. I have been between my room and the bathroom, but nothing more than that, and I haven't seen Teddy since Tuesday.

I was also really grateful that Jose came by yesterday, I _was_ grateful. I've known Jose since my 1st year of college. We didn't really talk much, had a few classes together. It wasn't until I walked by a café, where he sat with a little baby, I had a conversation with him. I learned that day, that the little girl was his daughter. I told him about Teddy, and we just clicked. Every time my 2nd year of college when Teddy came to me, the 4 of us would do something. It was really nice, and I sort of miss it. Jose's daughter Emilie is a few months older than Teddy. Emilie's mom died in childbirth, and her parents didn't want to have anything to do with Jose or the baby.

Teddy and Emilie became really close, and we found out that our fathers knew each other before, and they both lived in Montesano. So a few times we were both in Montesano. I'm actually really in awe of Jose. He did it all, finished college while taking care of a child. I don't think I could've done it without Ray. And now I have to do it without him.

When Jose had held me, for hours it felt like, he leaned down and kissed me. I wasn't expecting that, so I slapped him. We have kissed a few times, but there was nothing there. Not for me at least. He left angry. I was expecting Christian to come in after that, but he didn't. I tried to go to sleep, but every time I closed my eyes I saw Ray's face. Christian held me all through the night again, and he's the only reason I can sleep.

I hear Teddy and Christian talking in the kitchen. Teddy is lying to Christian about what I ''let'' him eat for breakfast. But Christian isn't buying it. I would normally laugh at this, but my happy emotion has faded, it's gone, none excitant. I'm going through things in my head, happy memories that always makes me laugh. But Ray is in all of them, and they're not funny anymore. Ray would hate to see me like this. Before he died, he was going on and on about what a good life he lived. That he had done so much in his life, and had lived a full and happy life. He seemed so okay, with it all. Like it didn't bother him, maybe he tried to be strong for us.

**(Christian)**

I've been working a lot today on my computer; Ros had a few troubles with the shipyard we really want to buy. And I also had a meeting I needed to be in, so I put on a movie for Teddy and sat in the kitchen on the phone. The kitchen and living room are connected and I didn't think about the fact that they would hear Mickey Mouse in the back ground, but they did. Every time Teddy laughed, Ros asked what that was. But other than that, the phone call went great.

It's now nearly time for dinner, and Ana hasn't been out of her room yet. I wish I knew what to do, what I could do. I've never had a death in my family, not someone I knew. There's still so much food here. Teddy laughed at me when I gave him dinner for breakfast. But then he made up some shit about Ana serving him chocolate cake before breakfast, every Thursday. Yeah right, pancakes on Saturdays I buy, cake on Thursdays nope. Maybe if it's his birthday, then maybe she would do that.

''Mommy!'' I turn around and see Ana standing there. She is dressed, and looks really tired, and her eyes are red. She goes over to the couch and sits down with Teddy, without saying a word. She snuggles up in a blanket. I make Ana a cup of tea, and when I hand it to her, I see that her head is turned towards the TV but her eyes aren't focusing.

I squat down and hold her face in my hands, until she finally look me in the eyes. It takes a few seconds before her eyes focus then I give her little smile, and hand her the cup of tea. And she mumbles ''thank you.'' Teddy continues to watch the movie which is now 'monsters, inc.' I hope Teddy's happy laughter might help her.

I go to heat some of the casseroles that someone came over with yesterday. I've never had to take care of anyone other than myself, and it's not easy. I could probably deal with Teddy or Ana. But both of them are hard, especially because of the situation.

Every casserole has cheese on top, so you really have no idea what you're picking. It looks like some pasta or something, like lasagna. Well I heat it up anyway, I'm relived they have a microwave; I couldn't have given them food without it, I could but it would've been cold. I hand them both a plate, with some greasy thing, then go back to the kitchen, to work on my computer while eating. I see Ana's head turn a few times in my direction, but every time I look up, she has turned her head again.

When I'm done I sit down beside Teddy, who looks really tired. A day full of movies, his eyes must be ruined by now. He leans his head on my arm, and slowly closes his eyes. After 5 minutes I'm sure he's asleep, so I carry him to his room. He'll just have to brush his teeth tomorrow, because I don't want to wake him up.

When I walk out to the living room again, Ana is asleep. I walk over to her, ready to carry her to bed too, when her phone rings and her eyes open. So I just sit down while she takes her call.

''Hi'' Ana's voice is groggy; I can faintly make out a women's voice on the other end, and some words. Something about that she found a sweater, and threw it, or something like that. ''No that's fine'' the woman goes on for a few minutes, before Ana interrupt her ''yeah, mom'' shit it's her mother. As far as I knew Ana and her mother's relationship was one of the weak ones. ''But… yeah… no I understand… but as you may know I'm trying to make it through the days. Did someone tell you that Ray passed away?'' then I hear something I never thought I would ever hear, and Ana's tears stream down her face, when her mother answer 'oh that's good, dear.'

Ana throws her phone in the wall, and it breaks in many pieces. I'm sure she's crying, in the pillow. Until she throws the pillow away, and I see that she's laughing. She doesn't stop either; she continues to laugh as her tears stream down her face. She holds her stomach, when she can control her laughter. Without an explanation or anything, she raises and tells me she's going to bed.

''You want me to come?'' I ask her.

''No'' she laughs ''I think I'm good.'' She laughs all her way to her bedroom. What just happened? I have never seen that Ana before.

I walk over to where she threw her phone to see if it's broken. The battery has fallen out, and the screen is shattered into a thousand pieces. I guess we'll have to buy a new one. I go to the kitchen, to get my computer, and walk to the guest room. After I have been sitting on the computer for over an hour I'm sure Ana is asleep, so I close the lit and lie down.

I'm nearly asleep when I hear someone open my door, and quickly close it again. I hear footsteps, then someone lie down on the bed beside me. I drape my arm over Ana's body, without opening my eyes, and then fall asleep.


	10. Chapter 10

**(Friday – Ana)**

New day, new opportunities. Today is the day; I will pack all of Ray's stuff together. I need to do something; just lying here is making me _insane_. I need to go out of here and see my son. It really hurt when I woke up to Teddy calling on Christian and not me. So I need to go out and spend some time with him. He lost Ray too, it wasn't just me. We need to heal together.

I'm donating most of dad's stuff to different organizations; he loved helping people so that fits perfectly since I don't know what to do with them. I'm going to sell the house, and also donate the money to some organization. I'll keep the money Teddy and I'll inherit, but everything else is going elsewhere. I also need to through my stuff, to see what I want to keep. I'll keep every picture with dad, me or Teddy in it. And Teddy needs to choose which toys he wants to keep.

Dad has always taught me and Teddy to help others. And Ray would always give presents to children who are less fortunate then us, every Christmas. He was an amazing dad and grandfather, and I will miss him so much. And it feels nice to do this for him; it's what he would've wanted.

I think Teddy and I will move to Seattle. That way Teddy can be close to his dad. I hope their bond grows stronger with time. I was skeptical to begin with, but Christian has proven himself to be a great father. I've heard a few times that he struggles to tell Teddy _'no'_ but other than that he's doing great. Teddy can be quite demanding at times. If he wants cake, he won't stop telling you about this cake for _days_, until you buy or make him a cake.

I'm still in the guest room Christian is sleeping in. I tried to go to sleep yesterday, and I was so sad and I just couldn't sleep whatsoever. So I went in here to see if that would help. He was already asleep when I came in, but he pulled my body to his when I had lied down on his bed. It is comforting to hear his small sleeping grunt noises. I don't know if I make them, but Teddy does. It's not snoring, but you can hear it if it's really quiet, like small little grunts.

I go out of the room, and head to the kitchen. ''Mommy!'' Teddy squeals when he sees me, and run over to me and hugs my legs. I bend down and lift him up, and give him a huge kiss. I guess my little man has missed me as much as I have missed him. I give him many small pecks all over the face, and he squirms out of my grip while giggling. I look over at Christian and he has a huge smile on his face, and I can't help the shy smile that creeps on my face.

I make a cup of tea, and sit down. God I don't think I can eat another casserole ever again. But the fridge and freezer is almost empty, so it'll do. The casseroles are amazing, but at one point you've had enough.

''I'm going to clean today,'' I say after we've been sitting in silence, I look up at Christian and he is nodding at me. ''So if you want to take Teddy to the play ground or anything, that'll be fine.'' I smile.

''No we can do that later. I'll help you. Say what you need me to do, and I'll do it.'' He says.

So that's how this day has been. We've gone through almost every room, packed all of Ray's clothes in boxes. I want the house to be 100 present clean before the funeral. And the cleaning keeps me busy, and I don't think about stuff. While Christian and I have gone through the whole house, Teddy has been in his room, and packing in a box all the toys he wants to keep.

We've done really much today, and I don't think the house has ever been this clean. I told Christian about my plan on what to do with all of Ray's stuff, and he thought that was a great idea. Then when we had a break, I told him about how Ray loved spending money and time on the less fortunate ones, and I started crying again. Christian held for a while, until we started on another room.

When we had pizza for dinner, I told Christian about Teddy and me moving to Seattle. And he couldn't hide his grin; it came right after the words left my mouth. He told me he would help me find an apartment, and that we were welcome to stay with him, until we got things figured out. So Sunday after the funeral we're going back to Christian's. He said he has already made one of the guest rooms into a room for Teddy, and that there are 3 other guest rooms I can choose between. He told me he doesn't live home with his parents anymore, so how big can it be for one man to live alone?

Christian asked Teddy directly if we wanted to live with him for a while, it was a sneaky trick and of course Teddy said yes. I would've said yes anyway, the thought of going back to Kate's is not tempting. I love Kate, but she needs help. She doesn't have a filter, and everything with her is a competition. And she whines about me being there to visit _her_, but only spending time with Teddy and Christian. Well she was only spending time with _her_ boyfriend. Then there's the Teddy incident. I'm about to give up on her. She is a wild party girl, and didn't like that I never wanted to go out with her, but I'm more down to earth. And she would always whine about me being a mother, even when my kid wasn't around. Even though Teddy wasn't there 24/7, I'm still a mom 24/7.

I put Teddy to bed today, and we cuddled in his little bed. I lied there listening to his small grunts, and drifted of…

''What are you doing?'' I ask sleepily as I wrap my arms around Christian's neck, and rest my head on his chest.

''You fell asleep, I'm taking you to bed.'' I hold on tight, as he carries me to my bedroom. He lays me down, and kisses my forehead, ''goodnight.''

He goes to leave, but I tug at his hand ''please, stay.'' He nods and walks to the other side of the bed. He lies down and pulls me towards him. I turn around, and kiss him gently on the lips, meant as a 'thank you,' but then he deepens it. We kiss until it can no longer be called kissing, it's definitely making out, and his arm tightens around my waist. We sink down under the covers. Our fingers are in each other's hairs, and his breath is in the hollow of my neck, he kisses my nose one time. I love the feel of his lips on mine, his lips anywhere. I nuzzle my head in his neck, and drift off again.

**(Saturday – Ana) **

''Hey'' I wake up to Christian looking down at me. He has still one arm wrapped around my waist, and is resting his head on the other, with a warm smile on his beautiful face.

''Good morning'' and on cue I hear Teddy calling on me. We both go to his room, and Christian carries him to the bathroom, while I go and make breakfast. There's not much left in the kitchen of food, but I think I can make something out of it.

Christian has agreed to take care of everything that has to do with the house, to get it sold. I don't think I could do that, I don't know how to do that. So I'm grateful that he will do that for me. I'm so grateful for everything he has done.

I'm taken back from my thoughts by a loud knock on the door. I walk over to the front door and look at Jose. I haven't seen him since the kiss. He looks really tired, and confused.

''I love you…'' he blurts out when I open the door, god no! He is _ruining _our friendship. ''We can be happy together you know that… The 4 of us can be a family.'' Please don't let Christian come down with Teddy any time soon. ''We have done so much like a family together already, and I love Teddy and you love Emilie, they'll be siblings.''

''Jose…!'' I don't know what to say, how to let him down gently. We have talked about it before, how easier it would've been if we were just a family. But it was just talk and joking. We joked about Teddy and Emilie being siblings once.

''Ana I know the kiss took you by surprise, and you were vulnerable I'm sorry the timing wasn't the best.'' The timing wasn't best? I have never done anything to him, to make him think I'm interested. Else than kiss him once or twice, but we both agreed that was a mistake.

''But Christian…'' I know what I want, and I don't want Jose. I could never be happy with him. I know Christian won't ever look at me that way, but if I can't have him, I don't know if I want anyone else. I haven't met another guy who I've had a slightly need to get to know.

''He might be Teddy's father. But he left you, he was basically just a sperm donor, you've called him that yourself'' I did once, I was really mad and I just needed to get all my frustration out, and I said every mean thing I could think of towards Christian. ''I've been there for you both. Christian didn't want to have a family with you. I am already a dad I know the responsibility that comes with that. That prick can't just barge into your life and play happy family.''

''Jose, don't'' please just stop, I want to scream at him to never talk that way about the father of my child, but I have talked that way about him. He's just throwing my own words back at me.

''_Jose!''_ I turn around and see Teddy trying to run over to us, but Christian holds him.

''Teddy I think we should go back up'' I look at him with an apologetic look; I don't know how much he has heard. ''Show me the train pops gave you,'' he gives me a weak smile, and carries Teddy back upstairs to his room.

''Jose you should leave.'' I say, I don't want to do this anymore. I just need him gone.

''Do you love him?'' He asks, and I can't think straight anymore.

''Jose, just go.'' I close the door, and I go back into the kitchen. What was that? Why did he have to do that? He just ruined the best friendship I've ever had. Fuck him! I take a glass and throw it has hard as I can, and scream at the top of my lungs.

Seconds later I hear someone running, and I hear Christian shout out my name. He runs toward me. ''Anastasia, you're bleeding!'' He examines the cut I have in the middle of my hand. But I don't feel anything; I'm in shock after what happened. ''I'm taking you to the hospital, sit down and I'll get Teddy.'' I sit there completely still, and then it all goes black.

''_Anastasia_'' Christian sounds relived when I open my eyes. I take my surroundings in, and I'm in my room. But I was just in the kitchen, how did I get here? God my head hurts, and I can barely move my hand. I look down at it and it's wrapped in a cast. What happened? ''I was going to take you to the hospital,'' Christian start to answer my unspoken question ''but the paramedics said you just needed rest, and the cut wasn't that deep.'' I stare out, not wanting to look at Christian. It was really stupid thing of me to do. ''It's after noon; you've been out for a few hours. Do you want to relax or?''

I don't answer just nod. A few minutes later there's a light knock on my door. I turn towards the door looking at a shy Teddy. I can't help but smile and I open my arms to him. He runs to my bed and hugs me tight. We lay like that for a while, and I listen to Teddy telling everything that Christian has promised to show him in Seattle. Teddy seems really shy when he asked if he could call Christian 'daddy' and I said that would make Christian really happy. So Teddy yelled out ''daddy!'' and Christian came running to the room. He looked confused to begin with, but then a smile spread across his face. He lay down on the bed too, with Teddy between us. Christian couldn't stop smiling, and in that moment it felt like we were a real family.

**(Monday – Christian) **

We're back in Seattle now, we arrived last night. The funeral was really big, almost the entire neighborhood came. Ana cried a lot, and Teddy didn't quite know what was happening. People looked at us and wondered who I was, but they all probably understood who I was when Teddy called out 'daddy' really loud. I love that he calls me that, I love the feeling I get when he calls me that. Now that he finally has a daddy, he won't stop saying it, before every sentence and after the sentence. I don't mind it though.

Now I'm back in reality, and back to work. I have to admit I was disappointed when Ana didn't ask me to stay in her room, or that she came to mine later. And I had to leave before either of them was woken up. I went into Teddy's room to kiss him goodbye, but he was fast asleep. And I stood in the doorway looking at Ana, while she also was fast asleep.

I didn't have that much to do when I arrived at work today, since I got a lot done when I was in Montesano. Ros of course was really curious to where I've been, but as always I don't share too much information. She has handled everything here much better than I ever expected, and defiantly deserves a raise. I also called Claude to apologize and asked if he wanted to 'get together' AKA beat the shit out of each other; for fun. And he was on board with that.

I have wanted to kiss Ana again after what happened Friday night, but I have told myself to not touch her unless she makes the first move. Which with time, I'm pretty sure she will.

Ana avoided Muchacho who also goes under the name_ Jose _at the funeral, and he seemed a bit hurt when Teddy called me daddy. Because when he told Ana about his undying love, he was really keen on being Teddy's father. I heard most of the conversation I think, well I heard the bad parts, and yes they hurt. And I really don't like to think about that Ana has called me a sperm donor, because I was so much more. I know I fucked up, and I'll never forgive myself for that, but Ana and I were together, it wasn't just a one night stand. I didn't fuck her than throw her out. She became distant after we had sex, but I still was there for her, I tried for 6 weeks. This is just one evil circle; we were both at fault, so I have to stop thinking about it.

The day has dragged on and I can't wait to get home. I have never been more anxious to get home before; it's a different feeling for me. Teddy called me a couple of hours ago asking when I would be home, and I stupidly said ''soon.'' So in his head ''soon'' means 10 minutes, so he called again. Then I said I would be home by 4PM. I've never left work before 7PM ever, so when I left at the same time as Ros, she was in shock. She has also commented on my creepy good mood, but I can't help being happy, because I am going home to my son.

When I arrive home I smell something delicious, and I walk into the kitchen. Ana is standing there cooking something, while Teddy is seated at the kitchen table and he's drawing. Teddy lifts his head and looks at me and gets a big smile on his face.

''There you are daddy!'' he runs over to me and I lift him up, and hug him tight. ''You're squeezing me,'' he said in a strangled voice, and I hear Ana giggle. It's been a long time now since I've heard that sound. I put Teddy down, smile at Ana, and go to my room to put on something more comfortable.

We sat and ate spaghetti Bolognese and listened to Teddy rambling on and on about something. Sometimes he says the most bizarre things ever, and I have to fight my laughter. I realize for the first time in my entire life. For the _real _first time in my entire life, I'm extremely happy. I've felt happy ever since I met Teddy, but nothing tops the feeling I have now. I won't _ever_ let go of this feeling.


	11. Chapter 11

**(Christian's POV)**

''Daddy'' I'm awaken by a little boy bouncing on top of me trying to wake me up. ''Daaaddyyy'' he sing songs in my ear. I can't help the laughter that escapes, then the grunt that follows, because I'm so tired. I turn over to my side and drag Teddy with me. He's laughing when I hold him tight to my chest. ''Daddy'' he breathes heavy ''I can't breathe'' he struggles out while still laughing. I lift the arm I have around him, but he is still lying beside me looking into my eyes. I get this swelling feeling in my chest every time we look at each other, and I love it. I love knowing that this little guy is a part of me, that I've created him. It's a really great feeling.

We lay like this looking into each other's eyes for a while, the clock right behind his head says it's only 3AM, and I have no idea what he's doing up so early. But what I do know is that I went to bed only an hour ago, and really want some sleep now. My eyelids get heavy and I'm almost drifting up. I'm trying with all my power to stay awake, but it's helpless.

''Teddy'' I whisper, softly as I fall asleep ''I'm gonna sleep some more, okay?'' I close my eyes, and I take my arm lightly around his little body. I don't want anything to happen to him while I'm asleep. I'm afraid that I might by accident roll over him, but I'm so fucking tired.

''No, daddy'' he says quite determined.

''Why can't I sleep?'' I ask, trying to fight the sleep that really tries to drag me back to dream land.

''Because you need to help mommy,'' he explains. Suddenly I'm not that tired anymore and I open one of my eyes and look confused at him. ''Mommy is sick,'' he states. I leap out of bed and take Teddy with me, I can't just leave him in my bedroom, and I don't want him to get lost in the apartment. But somehow he found my bedroom, in the middle of the night. His room isn't that far from mine, but it's a new apartment he doesn't know where everything is.

I walk into the guest room Ana is staying in, but she's not there. I sit Teddy down on the bed, and walk into the bathroom. I see Ana sitting against the bathtub, her head in her hands, softly sobbing. I sit down beside her, and her head automatically fall on my shoulder. She isn't crying, she's shivering. I turn my head to look at her, with a worried look.

''I'm just sick Christian, I'll survive'' she says. She stands up and goes to flush the toilet. I don't make a comment about it, but it really smells like puke in here, I'm trying not to make a face at it. She closes the lid, and sits back down. She looks really pale, and you can see that she's not well.

''Are you sure? Do you need me to stay home with Teddy today?'' I ask, still sitting by her bathtub, looking at her tired face.

''It isn't the first time I've been sick Christian, I have managed before.'' She says, and of course she's been through this before and had to manage it herself, because I left her by herself. ''Plus you need to work; you took off so many days when you were in Montesano. Don't take more days off because of me.'' I nod at her, because even though I want to stay home and take care of her, I know I can't take off one more day, in the nearest future. I can probably shorten my days down a bit, but that will resolve in me working late at night.

I help her back into bed, when Teddy sees us returning from the bathroom, he gets off the bed so I can lay Ana down. Ana reaches out her hand and starts to mess with Teddy's hair; she receives a few giggles for that, and it makes her smile, as much as she can at the moment.

When I've tucked her in I lean down and kiss her forehead, and whisper in her ear ''you're worth every day I took off, and every day in the future I may take off.'' She gives me a weak smile, and slowly falls asleep.

Teddy and I walk out of the guest room, and I lead him back to his room, but he stops. ''I'm not sleepy'' he whines. He's standing with his arms crossed over his chest, probably to scare me. But how can you be scared of such an adorable little face?

''You're not?'' I ask, and he shakes his head. ''Are you hungry?'' he nods, and we make our way to the kitchen. I see that Ana went to the grocery store yesterday, because half the stuff in my fridge I've never seen before. I see that she has bought the most important things like, bread, milk and things like that. I make us both a sandwich, and place it on the kitchen isle and help him up on the bar stool. He sits there dangling his feet to the sides.

''Daddy?'' he drags out the 'y' in an asking kind of voice, I look at him and say ''Hmmm?'' He actually looks shy as if he's afraid to say what he wants to ask, he looks down at his food then up at me, and then down at his food again. And I'm intrigued to what it is he wants. ''Can we watch a movie on the TV that is this big...'' he stretches out his arms as far as they can go; which isn't nearly as long as the TV. I showed him the home theater last night, and he was amazed by the TV that is 150 inches. Not the biggest TV in the world, but big enough. I nod and then I take both our plates, and we walk to the room.

Ana left his bag with all his movies in here, and he goes to it and finds the movie he wants to watch. He wants to see ''Monsters Inc. ©'' again. He already saw it three times while I was in Montesano, and I feel I can the movie in and out. I sit down in one of the big comfy chairs, and Teddy sits between my legs. We sit and eat our food, while he watches the movie, and I'm trying not to go and get my computer to work instead. I want to spend time with Teddy it isn't that; it's just that this shit kills your brain cells.

Halfway through the movie, Teddy has fallen asleep. He only ate half of his sandwich but it was pretty big. I carry him to his room and tuck him in. Then I just sit by his bedside looking at him. It really is amazing how natural this all feels, somehow I know what I'm doing, I think. It's only been a little over a week, and now I can't imagine my life without him. I look at the clock and its 5AM, so I decide to go to work now, so maybe I can leave earlier.

I go and get dressed, and find all I need with me of the files I read last night before I went to bed, and I go into Ana's room to tell her I'm leaving. She still asleep, so I sit down by her bedside and stroke her arm gently, she stirs a bit then opening her eyes and turns around to look at me.

''Are you sure you don't need me to stay?'' I ask her one last time, she nods her head. ''Okay, I just put Teddy down again, so he'll probably be out for a bit… call me if you need anything.'' She nods again, and I go to leave. When I reach her door I turn around and add ''I'll see if I can come home when I have lunch. Not sure if I can, maybe I can head home earlier. It will probably be after 3, but I'll try coming home so you don't need to look after Teddy.'' She gives me a weak smile, then goes back to sleep.

I have meetings from 10AM to 3PM, and I now that at the end of the day I will be pissed. The last meeting I have today will ruin my mood completely. It's ruining my day, and making Ros'. I have a meeting with a CEO I really can't handle. He is really cocky and talks to me like I'm a newborn. The way he's treating me fills Ros with joy. I don't know if he always has so weak vocabulary, or if he's making fun of my age. He might be double my age, but my brain is double of his. He's just a cocky bastard, and I really want to get that meeting over.

''Good morning boss'' Ros greets me ''great day ahead of us today.'' She is standing in my office, grinning so big that it must hurt her, which it should, because she really is enjoying this too much.

''Yeah I was just thinking of that… I have places to be, faces to see and all that… so therefore I think you should do this meeting alone… what you think?'' Please say yes. I will buy her lunch rest of my life, if she can just make that dick to sign over all his rights.

''You can't be here for it?'' she asks, eyeing my skeptically. She knows I hate that bastard to death, there's just something about him.

''Not really'' I know this is childish of me. But try sitting in a meeting for over an hour listening to a grown up man talking to you in his baby voice. I would never talk to Teddy in that voice, and he's 3. If I ever talked to Teddy that way, I'm sure he would look stupidly at me. But I have to keep my hand to myself, because it's a really important deal to Ros.

''Okay I'll call him and reschedule'' _Shit! _

''No'' I sigh ''I'll make it work'' I really wanted to go home early because of Ana, but I'll just get this over with. _Fuck!_

God this day can't get any worse. I haven't eaten since the sandwich I ate with Teddy, and I have this guy talking to me like I'm some kind of a dumb fuck. He started by telling us about his degree he got at Yale, and that he started his company from nothing. I also started my company from nothing, without a degree, so it's not that impressive. Plus his dear, dear, dear company that he started with his business degree from Yale is failing, and if he keeps being this respect less, it will last for more than the end of the month.

He starts to comment my age, and that I should give my company to him, so that I can travel the world and be my age. He wants _my _company? We're trying to get him to sign over _his_ company, not signing over GEH.

I'm sitting here with my head in my hand massaging the side of my head, trying to look interested in the way he brags about everything he has done. Ros glances at him a few times like he's telling her she's going to the moon; she can't be that interested in a shit he says, I think it's mostly a show. She also glances up at me a few times, smirking. She knows what this meeting is doing to me, and she's enjoying it.

''Excuse me gentleman'' and dick ''I need to get going, I'm sure you can carry on this meeting without me.'' I say looking at all the 10 men and Ros.

''Of course we can, if you need to go home, then you should go home.'' He says, and I narrow my eyes at him. ''It will get easier when you can move out and live by yourself.'' What an ass. I look over at Ros and she's doing her best to not laugh, she's sitting there with a shit eating grin.

I walk out of the conference room and in to my office to get my stuff. And then I head home. I know I should get back to GEH, but I'm not in a good mood, and when I'm in a horrible mood I won't get anything done.

When I arrive home, Ana is sitting in the living room looking like shit. Teddy is sitting in front of her, playing with his train set. She hears me and looks around to look at me.

''Hey,'' I think she's trying to smile, but there's not much happening of movements in her face and her eyes a barley open. ''I know I said that you should go to work, but please don't say you're going back. I need to lay down a bit.'' I walk over to her and sit down.

''I have a few things I need to do, but I can take Teddy with me for that. Actually I think he might find it fun, just go lay down, we'll be fine.'' I smile at her, and she goes to her room. I turn my attention to Teddy, who is still in his pajamas. ''Teddy let's get you dressed and I'll show you something cool.'' I lift him up, and carry him to his room. I know he's fully capable of walking, I just love holding and carrying him.

When he's dressed, we leave. I'm actually nervous, because I'm about to introduce Teddy to my best friend. We take the elevator down to the gym floor, where Claude is waiting. I haven't told him I'm taking Teddy with me, so I'm not sure how he will react. Maybe we shouldn't beat each other today, and just stick it to the bags.

''Grey, long time n…'' he says as the elevator open. He stops and looks down at Teddy, who is hiding behind my legs. He is a shy boy sometimes, when you've spent some time with him he will talk till you get sick.

''Claude, meet my son, this is Teddy'' I move Teddy in front of me. ''Teddy this is my friend Claude'' Teddy gives him a smile but doesn't say anything to him.

Claude squats down so he's at eye level with Teddy. ''So you're the big Tedster, I've heard so much about you.'' Claude gives Teddy a handshake and gently pats him on his back.

We walk over to the bag, and I take out my gloves. Teddy is sitting there watching us, as I hit the bag. It's hard talking in codes; normally I let out all my frustration and anger on this bag. But I don't think Ana will be too happy if Teddy has learned some new words, when we come back.

''Today was your meeting with that dou… with that dude right?'' I try not to laugh, because this is new for us. We have never censored our words before.

''Yeah, it went to he… it didn't go so well. He's a really, really mean man. So I left,'' now I actually laugh, it sounds so pathetic. We can't keep doing this, so I go to my bag and take out a present for Teddy. ''Teddy I have something I want to give you'' Teddy jumps up, and run over to me.

''To me?'' he asks as he jumps up and down, now I'm scared he will get disappointed. He opens the box, and I look at his face to gauge he's reaction. He first looks a little confused, then his eyes gets big, and then he has the biggest smile ever. ''My own gloves?'' He asks. I nod as he looks at the little gloves with 'TG' on them. I know his not a Grey, but I plan on him to be. He puts one of them on, and punches the air. ''This is so cool… thank you'' I lean down and receive a big hug.

Because of his cast on his broken arm, he can only have one. It'll probably be more fun for him, once the cast is off. He needed to have it on for only 2 weeks, so he's getting it off soon.

''Let's try to hit the bag'' I hold him up in front of the bag, and he gets his hand ready. He looks at the bag for a while.

''The big Ted comes in at a prefect angle'' Claude starts to say in his reporter voice ''and he goes for it… and he hits it perfectly… YEAH!'' Then he starts making cheering noises, and Teddy giggles.

''Did you see that daddy,'' he asks, and he's so happy. When he hit the bag, the bag didn't move a bit, didn't sway or anything, but his position were as good as it could be when you only have one arm to use, plus when someone holds you up you can't stand properly. I'm really proud of him.

''I saw it, you were so good. Hit it again.'' And he hits again and again, Claude making a huge deal, out of every hit. When Teddy did his last hit, Claude took him from my arms and swayed Teddy around before throwing him in the air, and then catching him while Teddy laughed uncontrollably.

I love that Teddy and Claude get along, and that they feel comfortable around each other, I'm sure we will spend a lot of time here the 3 of us.

Later when I had put Teddy to bed, I went into Ana's room to tell her goodnight. She ate dinner with us, but I don't think she could hold it all in. It's probably one of those 24 hour flu things. Hopefully she'll be better tomorrow.

''Looks like Teddy had a great day,'' she says, I sit beside her in the bed, she's leaning her head on my shoulder and I'm holding her hand stroking it with my thumb.

''Yeah, I had a great day too, I really love spending time with him,'' I turn my head slightly and kiss the top of her head. She doesn't feel to warm, a little bit over what's normal but not too warm.

''I saw the gloves,'' she says, and I tense up. I was going to tell her about them.

''You did?'' I don't know if she's mad about the gloves, or that it says TG on them.

''Mmmhmm, TG huh? I'm guessing the G is for Grey.'' I can't tell how she feels about that, her voice is really flat. She doesn't sound mad, but I really can't tell right now.

''I don't know if we're there yet, but I want him to have my name someday in the future, he can keep Steele, but… well he's a Grey'' I say, and I feel that it's really important to me that we share name. I can't tell you why, it's just something inside me saying so. I want to show the world that he's mine.

''I agree, he should also have your name. I'm not mad, and someday he will have your name.'' She looks up at me, and the first time today I can see a real smile on her face.

''Thank you… goodnight.'' I kiss her on her head once more before I head to my home office.


	12. Chapter 12

**I hope you all like this chapter. ENJOY!**

**CPOV**

I went to bed late last night, but I could sleep longer because no one was waking me up. I forgot to set my alarm, and I was really tired so I slept till it was 9am. I woke up by a call from Ros asking if I'm quieting my job. I guess I've been gone a few days, but I've done my job. I haven't missed a single meeting or phone call, except the one meeting the Monday Ana and Teddy left, and while I was in Montesano I Skyped all my meetings. I know that I have left my job earlier than what I normally would do, but I want to spend time with my family, and that's also the reason I work long after midnight, just so I can leave earlier. My nightmares are almost completely gone, because I only have a few hours to sleep. I actually prefer it that way.

I get dressed and go check to see how Ana is doing. She isn't sleeping when I walk in her room; she's sitting there watching TV. She looks better, the paleness has faded. She still doesn't look her happy healthy self, but compared to yesterday she looks much better.

''You always work in suits?'' I frown at her question, that's one way to greet each other in the mornings. There was no ''good morning, you look good.'' But whatever.

''Yeah?… how are you feeling?'' I ask, my answer sounded more like a question, but no one has ever commented on me wearing suits, it's just something we do even Ros has a suit, for women but it's still a suit. Everybody at GEH has suits, the girls often have something more girly but, it's how we dress.

''Exhausted, but I'm much better, thanks.'' She mutes the TV, to give me her full attention. It looks like some kind of soap opera shit.

''I don't have so much to do today, because… well of reasons. So I was thinking that maybe I can take Teddy with me, so you can relax.'' I say, I want to get this day over with, without anyone commenting about which day it is. I just don't like it.

''Yeah, of course you can.'' She smiles, she actually smiles big and it's contagious I can't help but smile also. I like it, it's been a long time since I've smiled so much. ''Which day is it today?'' I tense up a little bit, and hope she won't react to my short answer.

''Wednesday'' I answer flatly, and pray for her to just drop it. It's not a favorite day of mine, actually I _hate_ it.

''Okay'' she says, and I leave her room to get Teddy.

We're driving to GEH and Teddy is really excited. I think I'll show him around Grey House, or we'll take a long lunch and get something to eat. I forget that Teddy is new in Seattle, so I didn't understand why he looked out the window saying 'wow' so many times, and then I remembered he's never seen it before. I guess I've never seen it either, it has always been there but I have taken it for granted, but seeing it all with Teddy, is better than alone. I love how the most boring things for us, is so amazing for him. He looks at the world differently, in his little world there are no bad or evil, as long as he's happy then his world is good.

When we park in the garage, Teddy is running towards the elevator without looking around. I run after him terrified that suddenly a car will pop up. When I reach him, he's out of breath, and I sigh.

''Teddy don't run away from daddy okay?'' I ask and he nods, this is a huge building, he can easily get lost. And if he goes around looking for daddy, I don't think anyone will bring him to me. Teddy wanted to push the elevator button, so when I told him the 20th floor, he couldn't reach it. So I had to lift him up. I hold him up until the elevator starts to slow down.

When the elevator opens, Teddy runs out_. Not again_. There's so many left and rights, and places he can go. He runs in the direction of my office and that's good, it's an open area with the reception. When I get near my office I see Ros get down on the floor, behind the reception, so I hope its Teddy she squat down to.

''Hey little man, what are you doing here?'' she says, in a childish voice but still sternly. I've always been mad if there have been children here, because they're not supposed to be here. And where the fuck is their parents when they're here all alone? ''Where are mommy or daddy?'' she asks, and I hear someone say a sharp 'Tshhhh.'

I go around the reception, and when Ros sees me her eyes gets big, probably worried that I will yell at the child. But I don't look at her; my gaze is directed at Teddy. I try to have a serious face, but I really want to smile at him for being so fucking adorable. ''Teddy'' I say sternly ''don't ever do that again.''

''Sorry daddy'' he stands and walk over to me with his head bowed down and if he had one I'm sure his tail would be between his legs.

''It's okay, I just don't want you to get lost.'' I lift him up, and Ros stands up and looks at us in shock. ''Ros this is my son Teddy, Teddy this is Ros she works with me. She can be a bit scary, just ignore her,'' I say and grin at Ros.

''Ha Ha… wow you have a kid. I didn't know.'' She looks between Teddy and me; her eyebrows are shot high up. Her eyes don't stop shifting between the two of us.

''Neither did I'' she frowns and tilts her head to the side, and waits for me to explain ''it's a long story.'' A story I don't want to get into because I fucked up bad. But I'm on a good way to making it better; I'm done fucking things up.

''Well it's nice to me meet you Teddy.'' She shakes Teddy's little hand, and then looks at me again. ''Wow boss, he looks just like you, well I'm guessing he has his mothers eyes, but wow.'' She shakes her head lightly. ''The hair… it's scary.'' Her eyes shifts a few times more ''you will be one handsome man when you grow up.'' She says directly to Teddy, but I take that as a compliment.

''Yeah he's a cute little thing, just like me.'' I smile jokingly at her.

''You did good boss…'' I can't stop grinning, and looking at my little boy who looks at Ros. ''You know what day it is, I'm not going to say anything, but have a good day.'' Thank god, how the fuck does she even remember days like that?

''Thanks'' I carry Teddy into my office, and it receives another wow from Teddy. ''Maybe you'll work here one day,'' that would make me so proud, if one day my _son_ took over after me.

I work a while, while Teddy is drawing. He has made 3 pictures that I've hung up. And I guess that the next business meeting I'll have in here, people will look weirdly at me. I sat on the floor wrestling with him for a bit, I was gentle because of his arm, but he was not gentle with me. I didn't actually have time for it, but when he looked at me with his huge 'Ana eyes' and said ''Daddy play? Please'' I just couldn't say no.

I don't have meetings or phone calls today, so it doesn't matter when I take lunch. So at noon I log out of my computer and get ready to take Teddy to lunch. Just as we're about to go, there's a knock on the door. I sigh but yell ''come in'' as I continue to pull Teddy's jacket on him.

''Mommy!'' Teddy yells, right in my ear. I turn around and there's she's standing with a… ''Cake! You've made cake'' He exclaims happily. Ana smiles at me and mouths 'happy birthday.' Oh god, she remembered.

''I thought I'd join you two for lunch.'' She smiles and sets the cake down on my desk. I'm relived now that I told Andrea if a lady named Anastasia Steele, tried to contact or visit me she was to be sent through no matter what.

''Let's order something'' I say, and start to take of Teddy's jacket. As long as he gets cake I don't think he will care. I don't like my birthday at all, but this was a nice surprise. I lean down and kiss her on her chin, and my lips linger there longer than I planned. I feel her start to move away, but to my surprise she doesn't lean away, she turns her head so that my lips are on hers. I give her a few sweet kisses, and then turn around to see if Teddy is looking, but he has already put his finger in the cake. ''Thank you'' I say, I'm not sure what I'm saying thank you for. I have so many things to be grateful for when it comes to Ana.

We sit eating cake and just talking and laughing. When we're done, I leave for the day and we just walk around for a bit. Mom has invited me home for a birthday dinner, and I think I may show up. I don't see the deal with turning 22, but Gretchen my parents cook makes incredible cakes, and I know Teddy will love them. It's been over a week since my parents have seen Teddy, but I talked about them to Teddy, and he knows that they are his grandparents. He also knows that Mia is his aunt and Elliot is his uncle.

I'm not that mad at Elliot anymore, what he did was a shitty thing, but I'm grateful that he told me why Ana left Seattle. Katherine is another story, as far as I've understood she's still around, and it's making my mother mad. My father doesn't like her very much either, but he's more subtle about it. Mia has been used to Elliot bringing a new girl with him home since she was a young age, so she never shows interest in any of his girlfriends.

It all started when he was 14, he had a new girlfriend every month. When he was 16 it was every week, and now it can be days or minutes for that matter. He even calls his one night stands, girlfriends. My parents are sure he'll never settle down, and it's no secret that he is a big man whore. And he obviously has commitment issues, he can't commit to anyone.

I know that my family thought I was gay. Yes I didn't bring anyone with me home, neither girl nor boy. I would understand if they thought I was a-sexual, but not gay. I'm defiantly not gay. And I think they understood that, when they learned about Teddy.

I'm taken back to reality when Teddy squeals happily as he's running around. We're in a park. ''So…'' I turn to Ana ''my mom was wondering if we would come over later today.''

''As a birthday party?'' she asks, smirking up at me. She knows that I don't like my birthday, never have. Well I have this memory from when I was a kid, I must have turned 3 or something, and my mother baked me a cake. It was boxed made, but it is a memory I'll never forget, and a memory I love. I don't like having memories from that time, but that birthday memory is special. I never got any gifts, and that was the first and also the last we baked a cake together. It was a chocolate cake, maybe that's the reason it's my favorite.

''Apparently 22 has to be celebrated, it's a must.'' I frown, still thinking about my memory, it's the first time I've admit it to myself that I have a memory worth taking care of. I look at Teddy, I was his age when that memory was a reality, well Teddy is a healthy boy and he has had a rich life full of memories. But I can't help picturing me as a kid looking like him.

''Well then, I accept the offer, it will be good to get to know your family better.'' I would love for Ana to get close to my family, to be comfortable around my family. And it's important to me that they are comfortable around Ana and Teddy, since they are a big part of my life now.

''I would like to get to know yours too…'' I start to say, before I can stop myself, or think about what I was saying.

''I don't really have a family anymore…'' she points to Teddy ''this is it.'' I see a tear falling down her cheek. Teddy is running around, trying to catch a butterfly. I pull Ana into my lap.

''I'm so sorry baby, I wasn't thinking… I just… I'm sorry,'' I kiss her cheek, and she leans her head against my chest. I love it when she does that. Ana and Teddy are the only people I don't react to, when it comes to touching my chest. The first time we were together, she also touched my chest, I tensed up a bit but it didn't bother me.

''It's okay, it's still hard thinking about it, but I'm glad you're here.'' She smiles up at me.

We arrive at my parents' at 5PM, and Mia opens the door and squeal when she sees Teddy. ''He's so cute'' she takes Teddy by the hand and show him in, she turns around and says ''he looks just like you Christian.'' God I love it when people say that. We walk into the living room, and I receive a few happy birthdays. It's only my parents, Mia, Elliot and Kate here so it's a small 'party'.

The tension between Kate and my family is awkward. I excuse myself and make my way into the kitchen, where I know my mom is trying to make everything perfect. She turns around when I enter the kitchen. ''Christian, my sweet little boy, happy birthday'' she hugs me. Her arms just hang there, while I hug her back. That way she knows she's not touching me anywhere I don't like to be touched, and I have control over the hug. We've always hugged like this, since I was little. Mia is the only person who gives me a hug back.

''Thank you mom,'' she goes back to what she was doing when I came in. I sit on the barstool looking at her stressing. I always did that as a child, every time our previous cook had time off, mom wanted to make it all perfect so she was running left and right all the time, I loved watching it. ''So… I see you've invited Kate, is that a good thing?''

She sighs and put down whatever she was doing and turns to me. ''She invited herself.'' She says in a frustrated tone. I didn't know her feelings towards Kate were that bad; I guess they are pretty harsh.

''I'm still upset at them mom, after all it was my son they were ''looking after.'' But maybe we should give her chance, if she fucks up one more time I will fucking lose it… sorry… But at least I am willing to give her one more chance.''

''You're right Christian, I'm acting childish…'' she brushes her hands on her apron, and then takes it off. ''Now where is that handsome grandson of mine?'' I chuckle and we walk into the living room. When Teddy sees us he runs towards us and right into my arms. I lift him up, and when Teddy says 'hi grandma' to mom, she starts crying. ''Hi sweet boy, I've missed you.'' She takes him from me and gives him a hug. I walk over to sit with Ana, and pretty soon Teddy is back in my lap, looking shyly around at everybody.

Dinner went fine small talk, nothing much. Mom was talking with Katherine; she asked her questions about her reporter job. I wouldn't call stalking celebrities a job, but what do I know? Kate asked me a few questions about GEH, apparently she tried getting an interview with me before she graduated, but I was busy. She looked angrily at Ana when she said that. Ana told me while we were in Montesano, that once Kate found out she knew me she was angry that Ana wouldn't help her get an interview with me. I have never accepted an interview before, and I probably never will, so I don't think Ana would've been much help.

Elliot and Kate were very intimate all through dinner, always touching each other one way or another, and it was making us all uncomfortable. Mother has always scolded Elliot and I whenever we curse in front of her, so when Kate said 'fuck' way too many times, I could see my mom counting to 10. I wasn't happy about the cursing either, considering there was a 4 year old, my 4 year old, at the table.

My parents feel really comfortable around Ana, and they don't react to her, like they do Kate. Every time my mom asked Ana something and Ana answered cleverly, Kate would look not too pleased. And if Elliot asked Ana something she gave him the death glare. I had to try my best not to laugh at her, because she was pathetic. God! Where did Elliot find her?

After dinner Teddy was tired, and couldn't stay awake for the cakes. I carried him up to my room, but it felt odd having him sleeping in the room he was conceived in, so I carried him to one of the guest rooms. I sat there looking at him for a while, dreading the thought of going back downstairs.

We've been sitting in the living room quietly, while mom was getting everything ready for dessert. As we sat down the silent continued, no one was talking. And my mom was giving Kate the cold shoulder. Kate was looking up at Elliot, clearly telling him things with her harsh stare.

''Mom how long are you going to act this way?'' Elliot turns from Kate, to our mother.

''I beg your pardon?'' She answers.

''The way you're treating Kate it has to stop.'' He exclaims angry, and frustrated. And I'm sure Kate is making Elliot feel like shit for her behavior.

''They way I'm treating her?'' Mom asks, and I nearly chuckle at that. She is trying to keep a straight face, but I think we all can see that mom is ready to protect herself.

''We made a mistake, get over it.'' We all look at him with 'you can't be serious' faces. Get over it, he's lucky Teddy wasn't hurt badly, but it could've been way worse.

''A mistake?'' I ask. It wasn't a fucking mistake. And he hasn't said sorry to neither Ana nor me, or Teddy for that matter.

''Teddy is a 4 year old boy Elliot, he depended on you to look after him, so did his mother and father.'' Mom says, gesturing towards Ana and me.

''Well I have something I would like to tell you all,'' Elliot looks at all of us. ''I've proposed to Kate and she said yes, and I won't have you all treating my fiancée this way.'' Kate is sitting there with a huge grin, showing us her finger with one fucking big stone. My brother is wealthy, but he isn't so wealthy that he could've bought her a ring like that without suffering with payments.

''You can't be serious'' my dad speaks up. Looking at them probably praying they to start laugh and say it is all a joke.

''We love each other,'' he says, and he smiles down at Kate. I think Elliot might love her; he might be in love with her. But Kate sure as hell doesn't love him. I've done some research on her, and she's from a wealthy family, not as wealthy as our, but still they have money. I think Kate is in love with being rich, with knowing she can shop without any consequences. But Elliot can't provide for that sort of thing too long, and when he's broke and working his ass off, she will probably leave him.

''Well I hope you're not planning on having any children,'' mom mutters. And I chuckle out loud for the first time since we've arrived. I've been holding it in a long time now. Kate glares angrily at me.

''Why are you so angry at us for that?'' Elliot yells at mom ''if the two of them knew how to use a fucking condom, we wouldn't be in that position.'' I turn to look at Ana, and she looks down, and clearly is really uncomfortable. When she looks up I can see that she's on the verge of crying.

''Excuse me'' she says, and walk towards the stairs.

''I want you out of here when we come back downstairs,'' I glare at Elliot and Kate, what has gotten into Elliot lately; well he has gotten into Kate that explains it all.

''This isn't your house, you don't have a say.'' He says, and Kate is smirking at me. I'm so close to walking over to them and beating the shit out of them both.

''Just fucking leave!'' I yell and walk after Ana. I first look in my bedroom, but she's not there. I walk to the guest room where Teddy is sleeping, and she's lying beside him sobbing. I lay down beside her, and I'm almost falling on the floor, since Teddy is occupying half of the bed. I stand up from the bed, lift Ana into my arms and sit down against the wall. ''I don't know what's gotten into him,'' I gently rock her and nuzzle her hair, her smell is calming me down.

''Don't you see Christian?'' she whispers, and tries to snuggle closer to me, but she's as close as she can be. ''It's Kate,'' she says ''it has to be Kate's doing.'' I hold her tighter, and we sit like this for what feels like half an eternity. Ana turns around so she's straddling me, and I hold onto her waist. ''I'm so embarrassed'' she says.

''You have nothing be embarrassed about, baby. Kate on the other hand…'' I trail off as her lips crash onto mine. And at that moment I forget everything. I forget about the war starting downstairs, I forget about the way Elliot and Kate hurt Ana, I forget about the way I hurt her. I forget that our precious little boy is lying in a bed sleeping only a few feet away from us, I forget about everything except Ana and me. There's one thing I don't forget, and that is that I love Ana, and I try showing it in the kiss. ''Ana I…'' I'm interrupted by my mom when she opens the door. Ana climbs off me embarrassed, and blushing.

''I'm sorry,'' mom starts, looking between the two of us, '' I just wanted to let you know that they've left. And I'm so sorry for everything that was said today.'' She says directly to Ana.

''It's okay, and just know that I'm not mad.'' She says, maybe she's not mad but I'm furious. And Elliot will get a piece of my mind and maybe my fist too.

Teddy woke up as we were about to leave the room, so we all went down and ate cake. When Teddy saw all the cakes I could see he was in seventh heaven. The rest of the night went okay, we talked calmly and laughed. Ana asking Mia out for shopping, that is big since Ana hates shopping, at least she did before. I love that Ana is making an effort with my family. Since Ana hasn't gotten a job yet, not that she needs one, she asked mom if she needed help with any of her charity work. Mom responded that she would see and call Ana. I know mom appreciated that, since she's always doing some kind of charity work there is always a new cause.

When we got back to Escala, it was a bit awkward between Ana and me. But we gave Teddy a bath, put him to bed then we went to bed. Our own beds, not together, I can't believe I came close to telling Ana that I love her, I now I hurt her when I didn't say it back all those years ago. Elena's words are still clear in my head. ''There are no such thing as love, there is passion. But love doesn't exist.'' I fall asleep thinking those words, over and over again.


	13. Chapter 13

**APOV**

I wake up when I hear a loud scream. I bolt up in the bed listening to it. I listen to hear what it was, and I hear it's not Teddy. I've gotten used to Teddy's screams. I know how he's screaming when he's scared, or hurt, when he's hungry, when he just wants to scream in frustration. But this scream isn't one of them. And it's too dark to be Teddy either way. So it has to Christian. I look at the clock on the night stand that it's only right after 2 am.

I get out of bed, put on a robe and walk toward his bedroom. I can't quite categorize the noises he's making. He's sort of moaning and crying at once. I knock on his door, but the noises don't stop. I open the door and Christian is writhing in his sheets and covered in sweat. I'm not sure how to wake him up, with Teddy it's easy, and he's a little boy so I don't even think about before I wake him up. Christian is a grown man, and he might get out of control and hurt me in his sleep.

He's screams one more time, and I call his name, he clams down but he's still asleep. ''Christian'' I try again. He is quiet for a little while and I think it might've helped. Then he starts hitting himself, he is hurting himself in his sleep. ''Christian!'' I walk over to him and grab onto his shoulders, I know it's risky, but I can't let him be like this. He stops, with the shaking and is breathing heavy.

''Ana?'' he slowly open his eyes, looking confused at me. ''Is everything okay?'' I let out a big breath I didn't know I was holding.

''You had a nightmare,'' I say as I sit down on his bed. He closes his eyes and nods. He sits up. ''Is it the same? You once told me remember? You told me you couldn't sleep at night because you had nightmares about… is it still the same?'' he still has his eyes shut, and he shakes his head slowly. ''It's a new nightmare?'' he nods ''tell me about it, it might help.'' He opens his eyes and looks pained.

''Ana… I can't,'' he says, as he leans his head back against the wall.

''Talk to me Christian, I won't judge you.'' I plead with my eyes for him to believe me; I would never judge someone's dreams or nightmares. Especially not nightmares and we can't control what we dream at night. ''You can talk to me,'' I take his hand in mine and rub his hand, like he has done to me a few times.

''Ana please… just drop it.'' He says closing his eyes again.

''Christian…'' I plead with him.

''I killed him okay?'' he shouts, and I look confused at him even though he can't see me because his eyes are closed. ''I killed our child.'' I let out a gasp; I wasn't prepared to hear that. ''I don't mean to… and it doesn't always happen the same way, but somehow I _kill _him.'' He opens his eyes, and he's crying. ''And now that I know about Teddy, I know how he looks… it makes it all more real.'' I close my eyes, because I can feel the tears coming.

''Christian…'' I start but I'm cut off.

''We are always happy in my dreams, we have a good life,'' I can't open my eyes, because looking at Christian's pained face is killing me. ''You're pregnant, and _so_ beautiful. You're giving birth to our son, and I get to clip his umbilical cord, we're so happy. And when I'm going to hand him to you to show you our amazing little son, I lose him and I can hear the sound when he hits the floor, then his crying suddenly stops. I kill him over and over again, every night.'' I know that tears are streaming down my face, I hate the picture he's making in my head. He pulls me closer to him as he continues his story. ''But now, now he's older. Now he's Teddy, I am picturing Teddy. Our happy little 4 year old Teddy, and I kill him.''

''H…ho..how di..did you?'' I want to ask him how he did it this time, but words fail me as I can't get them through my cloaked throat.

''We were in a boat, we were fishing…'' I can picture it to the point, because Ray, Ted and I had been fishing a lot together. ''I somehow knocked him over board… I look down in the sea and I see he's trying to swim up again, but he's slowly sinking more and more… I try reaching for him, but I can't… I jump in after him and I can almost get him, but I never can.'' We are both sobbing, and holding on to each other, afraid of letting go.

We sit like that for a while, crying into each other's shoulders. Christian is whispering over and over again how sorry he is, and that he can't understand how he wanted to kill our child 4 years ago. I can see that Christian obviously has struggled with this, and he has regretted how things ended between us for so long. He also thanks me over and over again, for keeping Teddy, and that he can't ever show me how grateful he really is.

''Christian I forgive you… you have a son who adores you and loves you, please forgive yourself, you owe him that much'' he looks at me in shock, but this has to stop. ''I was angry at you, it's been 5 years I'm done being angry.''

''Thank you,'' he holds onto me tighter ''thank you so much, baby.'' I can still see that he's upset about his nightmare.

''Christian come, I have something to show you.'' I say, and we get out of his bed, and walk towards his home theater.

**CPOV**

We're sitting in the home theater and I'm not sure what she wants to show me. We made popcorn and hot chocolate, and I'm not sure it's a movie or what it is. We're sitting on the love seat, and Ana is sitting between my legs, just as Teddy was, with the popcorn on her lap. She put a DVD into the machine, and is sitting with the remote, trying to find what she wants to show me.

I lean my head back, and close my eyes for a second as she finds it. Then I hear someone talking, and I open my eyes and its video of Ana in a hospital gown.

''_How are you doing Annie?''_ she looks really exhausted and lift her hands and shake her hand a little. I remember that voice, and I know it's Ray. I hold Ana tight; it must be hard hearing his voice. '_'Who have we here?''_ he asks, and the camera move to a little basinet, where a little new born child is sleeping, bundled in blue. I tear roll down my cheeks, as I look at a new born Teddy. I should've been there for her.

There comes a new video automatic, of Ana bouncing a crying baby around, soothing him. Slightly jumping up and down, and humming a song to him.

''_Hi little man,''_ Ana says, the video has shift and Ana is holding the camera while she films Teddy in his crib, he is laying there looking up at her in wonder. She is making funny noises, and I'm guessing she made faces too. And Teddy gives her the biggest smile ever _''you're smiling''_ she coos at him _''are you smiling to mommy? You are so cute,''_ she says in a baby voice. _''You look just like daddy,''_ she says and I tense up a bit, Ana leans her head against my chest at that moment.

There are a few more short movies, where he's making gurgling noises, there's one where he belly laughs and it's so cute. In one of the videos he's eating and has food everywhere. There's one of Ana bathing him, and she's soaked. Then he is a bit older, maybe around 6 months. Ana is holding the camera and Teddy is lying on his stomach_. ''Come on Ted, come to mommy,''_ she says but he just stares at her. _''Come Teddy bear, you can do it.'' _And he starts to slowly crawl to Ana, after awhile he is really close to the camera. I think Ray takes over, because Ana lifts Teddy up and hugs him while she spins around a few times, and he's laughing.

''_Teddy lets show mommy what you've learned. Mommy will be so happy,''_ Ray say as Teddy sits on the ground. I'm guessing this is one of the videos Ray sent Ana while she was in Vancouver. Ray continues to speak to Teddy, but he's just sitting there. Then he holds onto a chair, and he slowly stands up. He's holding himself standing up for a little while, looking around, then he take a step still holding the chair, then he let's go of the chair. He walks a few steps before he fell on his butt and starts to cry. Ray drops the camera so we can't see, but we can still hear_. ''You did it buddy, all by yourself. Mommy will be so proud of you.'' _

There are videos of almost all his firsts, and a few videos from when he was in Vancouver with Ana. There a few videos with Jose and his daughter too. There's this one video that I loved. Ana was walking in the door, and Teddy was so happy and said _''mommy's home, give me five,''_ and the look of joy and pride on Ana's face was indescribable, it was amazing. There are a few movies of Teddy close up where he looks at the camera and tell it how much he misses ''mama'' and that he can't wait till she comes home.

The 'movie' ends, and I'm so glad she showed me that. Even though I haven't been a part of his life for that long, I feel I've experienced most of it. I would've loved to be there myself, and enjoy all the firsts together, but to see it was amazing. Ana turns her head up to mine, so she's looking at me, still on my lap. She turns her head more, and leans up so that our lips are touching.

She removes the popcorn, then turns to straddle me. And we kiss. It started off gently and sweet, then it got hungrier and we both felt the need to get closer. My hands are on her shoulders as a safety in case I need to push her away. I groan into her mouth as her mouth opens to my demanding tongue. When we're out of breath, I lean down and kiss her neck; she turns her head to the side giving me better access. I lean back a bit looking at her, her eyes has darkened and is filled with lust. We're both breathing heavy, she leans in and whisper ''I want you'' in my ear. And my hard on, just got harder. She starts to grind against me, against my hard on, and I hiss out between my girthed teeth.

''Ana… you've…got…'' I start panting, but when she's grinding like that, I can't think straight. ''Ana stop'' I say, and push her shoulders slightly. She looks at me in confusion. ''We can't do this'' I pant.

''You wanted this, you asked me first… why?'' she looks hurt. I lift my hand to her chin and tilt her head up, so she's looking directly into my eyes.

''I need to tell you something.'' This is the conversion I have been dreading for so long, and she might run to the hills when I've told her. But the worst part is that she will run with Teddy. I really hope she can have an open mind to all of this. I'm done with the lifestyle, there's no part of me that wants it back, but she still has to know.

''So tell me,'' she smiles sweetly at me, waiting for my explanation.

''Well I can't just tell you, I also need to show you.'' With the situation I'm in now, I'm glad I never got that far too install a 'playroom' here. That was always the plan, but all my stuff is in a motel room, and it is in that motel room I've been with all my sexual experiences, except Ana.

''Okay, show me and tell me,'' she says, and if it only was that easy.

''Well it isn't here, and we can't have Teddy with us, but it's something you need to know… we can't do anything, before it's all out there.'' She frowns, still looking a bit hurt. I take her hand and lead it to my hard on ''I want you, I really want you, but not yet.'' Her hand lingers there, and I'm losing track on our conversation. She nods and gives me a chaste kiss.

My work day is horrible, and I can't concentrate. Ana and I parted our ways, awkwardly after our conversation, and I couldn't sleep. I was going through what I was going to tell her in my head. And now I'm dreading going home, I'm afraid it will all be awkward. We have had sex, but this was different, and I said no. This is just one awkward mess.

I'm going through all the different ways I can tell her, I want to be completely honest with her, but there's no way I can be that and not hurt her. I don't blame Ana for what happened, but I'm not sure how she will react to the reason it all started.

Elena told me; over and over again that what we were doing wasn't wrong. But now, now that I have Teddy it feels really wrong. What if that happened to him, what if someone did that to him, it makes me sick. Elena has tried calling me a few times lately, but I don't want to answer, because I don't know what to say to her. She has sent me a few mails with pictures of potential subs.

When I looked at the girls, out of curiosity, all the faces on the screen blurred together. They're all beautiful, but they're not Ana. I hate that I want her so much, because I'm going to fuck up. I always do, it's just the way I am, but we have a kid together, there isn't room for my fuck ups. I don't know what I was thinking; when I asked her to become my 'fuck buddy' it would've never worked. Sure we could have some really great sex for a while, but when that ends what will happen? We can't just be selfish and think of what we need, we need to think about how it affects Teddy in the process.

Maybe I should just accept one of the girls Elena is offering. It would be hell of a lot easier that way. I find the email, and scroll through all the pictures. There are always 3 pictures of them, one close up of only their face, then one full body front and the last is full body back. It's only their faces that come up in the mail, if I'm interested I have to click on the photo to get the other pictures.

I look at all the photos, and every single one of them are beautiful, but either they're eye color is wrong, their nose is too big or too small, lips not perky enough, way too big lips. Some Barely have eyebrows; some of them are really misshaped. I realize that I'm looking for Ana in the photos, and before she came back, I could see Ana in the girls Elena offered, but now there's only one Ana. And I can't have her.

''Boss you're still here?'' I hear Ros say from my office door, I click the page I was on shut, and look up at her. She's standing there slightly frowning. Its 6 pm. Which mean its 3 hours since Teddy called me, asking when I would be home?

''I didn't notice the time was so late,'' I look around my desk, and take everything I need with me home. I stand up and look at her, she's still standing there. ''You look… different.'' I say, she's wearing a dress, I've never seen her in a dress or skirt.

''Is that a good thing?'' she asks nervously, I nod; she looks nice even though I will never say that in words. ''Good'' she lets out a big breath ''I have a date tonight, and I'm freaking out.''

''Who's the unlucky one?'' I grin at her, actually we're quite fond of each other, but we'll never admit that.

''It's a set up thing, and I've never met the girl before. All I know is that her name is Gwen… I'm so fucking nervous I don't do dates, they're uncomfortable.'' She looks really insecure, which is not like her. It's actually funny, because here with the boys she has balls, she's not afraid of us and she doesn't take our shit, but with girls she's so scared.

''It'll be okay Ros, just be yourself.'' Ros is a great person, and I'm sure her date will see that. ''Well I'm not a person who dates so I don't have any advice for that, but you don't know each other, so you have a lot to talk about at least.''

We head over to the elevators, and when we get in she hugs me. I'm shocked, we have shook hands a few times, but we've never done anything more. And to my surprise I hug her back. ''Thank you'' she says, when we lean back. ''I'm just really nervous, thank you for calming me.'' The elevator stops in the parking garage.

''Anytime'' I say as we walk out of the elevator ''tell me how it went, tomorrow.'' I yell over my shoulder as I continue to walk to my car.

''If I'm alive tomorrow'' she yells back, and I shake my head and laugh.

Instead of heading back up to the apartment I meet Claude in the gym. I sent Ana a text, telling her it would be a while before I got home. I feel like a douche, but I have anger and frustration I need to get out.

''Where's my little buddy,'' Claude asks as I jump in the ring, ready to try and beat the shit out of him. He's been training since he was 15 to become a professional boxer, so I don't win against him often, but it's always exhilarating to try.

''In the apartment, now get in here.''

I get in a few good hits, and we will both be bruised tomorrow, me more than him, but I'm not professional. Maybe I'll let Teddy loose on Claude when his arm is okay. And I don't mean, let them fight, I mean Teddy can try wrestling with Claude. Claude seems fond of Teddy so he would never hurt him. I would never do anything to psychically hurt him, he's my buddy.

We talked for a little while, and then we went our ways. I went straight to bed when I arrived in the apartment. I didn't see Ana anywhere, so I'm betting she had already gone to bed. God I feel like an ass. Tomorrow I have to tell her, I'll show her everything.


	14. Chapter 14

**CPOV**

I'm sitting in my home office. It's 8 am and I'm taking the day off. I've talked to my mother and she has agreed to have Teddy for the day, so this is the day my secret comes out. I'm nervous like shit, Ana isn't a person who judge people easily, but this is not something she will take lightly to. I need to call Ros and make sure she can handle everything today.

''Ros I'm taking the day off, there's things I need to do. Can I trust you to take care of everything?''

''Boss, you've got to be kidding me,'' she sound stressed out, I don't know if it's the date she had last night or what it is, but I need her to do this today. And I don't like it when people question my reasons.

''No I'm not, now as you may know I own GEH, and you are my employee if you don't like how things are then you have to quit.'' I think when this is all out of system, then I can get on with my life. This has been on my shoulders for way too long. If I know that Ana won't leave with our son, I think I could focus more on my business, and things around that. Plus there thousands of people who are counting on me to have my shit together.

''I love my job and you know that, I'll manage. But I'm just going to say it; this is not like you and you know it.'' I'm not myself, haven't been for weeks now, but maybe this is me and I wasn't myself before.

''I know Ros, thank you. I really do appreciate what you do, even if I don't show it too often.'' I should give her a raise or something, even though it's not too long since she got one, maybe I'll give her a 2 weeks' vacation on me. I don't know but she is a saving angel, I couldn't have done this without her, and I don't think anyone could've done her job better than her.

''Send over a list of what you need done. Do you have any meetings then I would like to be prepared.'' She sighs, I know she can do this and she knows that too. She loves being responsible, and I trust her with GEH and with my life if it came to that. We've gotten pretty close, since we both have worked long hours for a long time; we used to eat lunch and dinner together almost every day for a year.

''I'm sending it all this moment.'' He thanks me and hangs up. Soon, my life will change, either for better or worse.

APOV

I have no idea where we're going, or what he needs to show me. We're sitting in his car on our way to god knows where, and he is super tense. Maybe this is the part where he kills me, and makes it all look like an accident, I'm sure he could do that; he has the money to do that.

He's gripping the steering wheel with both of his hands till the point that his knuckles are white, and it's starting to freak me out. Whatever it is he needs to show me he's not looking forward to. We stop outside a hotel, and I look up at him in confusion. This isn't a five star hotel; this isn't a hotel at all it's more like a motel, a cheap and crappy motel. He is looking at the 'room' he has driven in front of, room '13' and I'm sure he'll have someone ready in there to kidnap me.

I know I sound paranoid, but he won't explain why we are here, and he's so tense, and it looks like he would rather drive away from here, without showing me what he must show. I know that he won't kill or kidnap me; it wouldn't make any sense why he rejected me last night. If last night was his last chance, I'm sure he would've tied me to his bed and done whatever he wanted to me.

''Ana…'' his head turns to look at me, but he's still tense and still gripping the wheel. ''…no matter what I show you, no matter what you think of me… please promise to not take Teddy away from me,'' I'm shocked when I see that he's terrified, I've never seen Christian terrified before. Angry? Yes. Scared? Yes. Confused? Yes. Happy? Yes. Terrified? No.

''Of course I won't Christian… unless you're hiding a body somewhere or it's something illegal, but I don't think you would do anything like that.'' I really hope he would never do anything like that, please say he hasn't done anything like that.

''No… not illegal, but it is bad Ana. Please promise me.'' He's pleading with his eyes, and I hate seeing him like this, so I promise.

We get out of the car, and Christian finds his key to the motel room. He is holding the doorknob, not opening just looking at the door. I can't stop this uncomfortable feeling I get, that it is something evil inside there, that whatever it is I will get frightened. He opens the door, first slowly then he sneaks himself in, before grabbing me in and locking the door again.

He turns on the light, and I have no words. And I'm not sure what I'm looking at either. The smell of leather is overwhelming, and nauseating. The whole room is painted in a dark burgundy color. Against the wall there's a wooden cross, made of mahogany, and there are cuffs on each of corners. There are plenty of ropes, chains, and glinting shackles. There's also a mahogany chest of drawers, it looks like it belongs in a museum. In the middle of the room is a bed. It's bigger than a normal motel bed. The mattress is covered in red leather, and red cushions spread at one of the ends.

I turn to face him and he's looking at me intently, gauging my reaction, and at this point I'm not sure what I'm thinking or feeling about this. ''What do you do with this,'' I ask nervously as I wave my hand around the room.

''I do things to woman who wants me to,'' he says, and it dawns on me that all this 'things' he's using on their body, he's hurting them for what? I've heard things about BDSM I've never researched it, but I've heard of it, and this is clearly it. I turn away from him to look at the room again, it's like I'm in a different world. There are no windows here that aren't covered, and if Christian takes of the light it will be completely dark. ''I want women to willingly surrender to me, in all ways.'' He continues when I don't say anything. ''It's all for pleasure.'' He reassures me, but this is freaking me out, and I can't bare the smell anymore.

''I need to get out,'' I run to the door and try to open it, but I can't, and panic races through me. I try pushing the door harder. Then I realize that he locked the door, I unlock it and run to fresh air. I run towards a bin, and just in time, as I hurl out my guts. What was that, what is he into? Within seconds he's by my side, keeping my hair away. I straighten up; I just need to be alone right now. ''Please just give me some time alone.'' I say, I don't wait for his response as I just continue walking. I have no idea where I'm going, but I need to walk.

I take every turn I meet, and if I were to turn around and go back, I would be lost. I see a little playground, it's in terrible condition, but I sit down on the swing set. I sit with my elbows resting on my thighs, and my head in my hands. What did he get into when I left? How can anyone do anything like that to another human being? I sense Christian coming, I don't need to look up, I feel him here. He sits on the other swing, and is quiet. I'm so confused, and so many questions are raging in my head. Why? How? When? Who? That Christian I knew, and the Christian beside me now, are 2 differently persons and I'm afraid I've lost the Christian I fell in love with.

''After you left Seattle… well after I chased you away…'' he starts explaining, without me needing to ask any questions. ''I was angry at myself, I hated myself, and every day I wanted to knock on your door and beg for forgiveness… Why didn't I do that? Because I don't like or want to admit when I've been wrong… I saw you in the hall at school, and every time you saw me you turned around and walked in the other direction… Then suddenly 2 weeks had gone by, and I knew that you had taken the abortion, and I fooled myself to thinking it was all for the best.'' I can't believe he's sharing what happen when we broke it off, I still haven't looked at him but I can feel his gaze on me.

''The next school year when it started, a part of me thought that you might be there, be sitting at our lunch table waiting for me… But you were gone.'' He lets out a big breath, before he continues. ''I started drinking… I needed the pain gone; it was killing me so I turned to drinking… I also got into a lot of fights, had to go to the hospital a few times, I have had my fair share of casts on my arms and legs.'' He chuckles lightly, but I can feel the pain in his voice. ''My parents were pissed, so fucking mad at me all the time… At one point I'm sure they were ready to send me off to military camp.''

I didn't know things got that bad, I didn't know I meant that much to him. I told him I loved him and he never said it back, I thought I had only imagined what I meant to him. ''One of my mom's friends…'' he continues ''Told my mother, that I could come and work for her, at her home maybe that would help me. It would keep me away from the fights at least… I was working for her, and she looked always at what I did and wasn't she pleased with it then I had to do it again…'' he stands and leaves the swing set, and I open my eyes to look at him. And he's just staring out in thin air. ''It was really hot one day, so when I was working in her yard I took of my shirt. She came out with something to drink, and she said if I wanted it, then I had to kiss her… so I kissed her, and she slapped me hard. It was confusing but at the same time hot as hell.''

He walks and sits down on the grass, I'm considering sitting down beside him, but I can't move. I'm in shock and I'm confused, and I have a bad feeling on where this is going. ''When I came back the next day, she pretended nothing ever happened, I guess a part of me was hurt for that… after a few days she would start to slap me when I did certain things, I didn't understand it back then what I was doing to piss her off, but she later on in our relationship told me… She punished me, and I felt like I deserved it so I let her… I let her punish me for what I did to you and our unborn child.'' He shakes his head slightly, and I'm looking at the back of his head, and he's sitting quite tense. ''She would punish me, and then she fucked me. You and I Anastasia, we made love, she _fucked_ me. And I had never experienced something like that before… I started getting my shit together, for after a while I wanted sex more than to be punished. It went better at school, I saved my grades, and it all was pretty great.

''I got into Harvard, and my parent were so proud, I remember the look on my dad's face when I got the acceptation letter, I hadn't told them I was replying there… I remember the look on my dad's face when I told him I wasn't going to Harvard… He was mad and disappointed, and when I told them I wasn't going to any other colleges he loosed his fucking mind. He didn't talk to me for a week, I really disappointed him… I told him about GEH, and I showed him my plans, he seemed impressed, but told me no when I asked to borrow money for it… I had good plans he told me, but without a college degree I could never keep GEH alive.'' He has start talking about himself, more than us now. So I get off the swing and sit down beside him, not sure if I should hold his hand, stroke his arm or what, so I just sit there, my arms tight around my knees.

''I borrowed money from my mother's friend… the one I'd been doing... you know… I started GEH, and ever since it became a ''hit'' my dad has been ashamed over the way he acted... When I was 19, I didn't sub for Elena - that's her name – anymore, I wanted to try to be the dominant. Elena subbed for me for a while, and then she started finding other subs for me, and that's how that room came to be.''

I lay my head down on his shoulder; I feel deep down that this is my entire fault, that if I stayed then he never would've lost control over his life like that. ''Do your subs look like her?'' I ask curious, if he has a type and if so I'm I his type.

''No they didn't.'' he answers coldly, and I feel he doesn't want to talk more about that, but now I'm intrigued and want to know more, want to know what he's not telling me.

''So how did they look?'' I ask.

''Ana let's just drop it,'' why doesn't he want to say it? He has shared so much now, why can't he just say this too, something is not right, and I'm starting to get worried, but I want to know.

''No, tell me what they looked like'' I demand.

''Like you, okay? Happy now?'' I freeze, I was expecting an answer I wouldn't like, but it was not this. Did he imagine it was me he hurt with all his stuff? That he hit _me_? Flogged _me_? Make _me_ scream out in pain.

''Like me'' he nods ''why?'' I feel like crying. Why would he like to punish me? What wrong did I do?

''Because I wanted to punish you, I was mad at you and I wanted to punish you for disappearing from my life,'' I didn't disappear, I wanted to stay but I was afraid he would not let me keep Teddy if I had stayed, and I don't regret one second on having him, he's the best thing in my life. If I could go back in time I would've had him over and over again.

''You were picturing me, while you were beating other woman? Do you want to punish me now, is that why you brought me to that room?'' I feel like throwing up again, but I have nothing left to throw up.

''I thought I did, but not anymore. Ana now that I look at you, I can't see any resembling to any of them.'' Is that supposed to make me feel better, am I supposed to say that everything is okay then? This is sick. If he beat the shit out of women because that was what rocked his boat and all that then fine, but he was picturing me, because he wanted to punish _me_ for _leaving_, when he pushed me away. God I think I'm going slightly mad. ''I wanted you to know all this about me before something would happened between us.''

''Can you leave me alone for a while, I need to think this through.'' He nods, and stands up and walk towards something, I'm not sure if that was the way we came from, but it's were he's heading.

Before something happened between us? Nothing has happened, except he turned me down yesterday, I turned down his proposition to be ''fuck buddies'' and now I'm not sure if I want anything to happen. This is not the man I've been in love; he's not the man I've though I've been in love with all along.

**CPOV**

We're in the car on our way to my parents to pick up Teddy. When I left Ana at the play ground, I went to get the car. She walked to the car with her head down so I couldn't see her face, and now she's sitting with her legs up in the seat curled like a ball and her head is against the window. I want to ask her about her reaction to all of this, if she still accepts me in our son's life.

She has turned the air-conditioner on and off many times, never fully satisfied. She turned on the radio once, but when she heard Rihanna's S&amp;M she turned it off. It was blurry in the beginning, so we couldn't hear anything but then when Rihanna sang _''Sticks and stones may break my bones, but whips and chains excite me.'' _she turned it off, the situation was different I may have found that funny, but know it's not. Nothing is funny, I'm terrified about the fact that she won't talk to me.

It's half an hour back to my parent's house, and if we're going to sit here in this dead silence it will be awful. Maybe I shouldn't have told her. I'm done with the life style, we could've continued our lives, and I could just forget about it. The one time I try and to the right thing, it ends like this, will I ever get it right? We stop at a red light, and I bang my head against the wheel, and hit the horn. Ana looks over at me, and her face is expression less. Her eyes are red and tired.

''Is this the only way you've been with people after me?'' she asks, and leans her head on her knees, still looking at me. The light becomes green and I continue to drive.

''Yes, you're the only one I've had vanilla with… You're the only one I want to have vanilla with.'' And it's true; I can't picture doing what Ana and I have done, with anyone else. Ana will be my only Vanilla experience ever.

''Vanilla?'' she asks.

''Yeah... Without any kink or toys… just _us_'' I want to reach for her hand; I want to hold onto her. But she's holding her own hands around her knees. We continue to drive in silence, neither of us knowing what to say. ''Ana look…'' I say as I stop the car along the road, and I turn to her. ''The things you saw was me, it isn't me anymore okay? After everything I've showed you, can you still except me, can you still let me be part of your and Teddy's life?''

She closes her eyes, and has a pained expression on her face. ''Of course, you'll always be Teddy's father… I still need to think things through, give me some time okay?''

''I can give you all the time you need. But promise me Ana, if you have questions don't look it up online come and ask me okay? I'll tell you anything you want to know.'' She nods, and we continue to my parents'.

**APOV**

''You want me to go in and get him, or you want to say hi or?'' I open my eyes, and see that we're outside of his old home.

''I'm sorry, please just get him and tell your parents I'm not feeling well okay?'' That's an understatement, I feel like hell. The man I once loved, have beaten other girls because he couldn't beat me. That doesn't exactly make me feel great about myself.

He was 17, only 17 years old and a woman on his mothers' age fucked him. I realize he was over the age of sexual consent, but still she was obvious so much older. She's pedophilic, who does that, and to the son of your friend. It's like if Kate would do that to Teddy, Kate and I aren't exactly friend at the moment, but still. God this makes me feel sick.

All the whips and stuff like that he uses on his girlfriends or subs as he called it. So when he was that ''friend's'' sub, did she use shit like that on him? Did she whip him, and tie him to a cross? I know that Christian has had trouble with people touching his chest and back, before. So I can't imagine him agreeing to let someone tie him up, so that she could do whatever she wanted with him. Did she manipulate him? Did she actually force him to have sex with her, and make him believed he wanted it, that he asked to be punished? I won't believe Christian would agree to something like that, and maybe she taught him that a BDSM relationship is the only kind that would work for him. I really want to figure out exactly what happened.

I see Christian, Teddy and Grace walk out the front door. Grace squats down and gives Teddy a hug, and Christian hugs his mom. Teddy walks towards the car, then turn around to wave one last time. I also give a little wave to Grace, and I weak smile, since that's all I can manage.

''Mommy!'' I love how he's always happy when you meet him. And you always receive one of the biggest smiles you have ever seen. He has the exact smile as his father, and he will be a ladies' man when he grows up.

''Hey sweetie, you had fun with Grandma?'' I ask, and he nods. Christian fastens Teddy's seatbelt, and then gets back in behind the wheel. He looks at me, and gives me a smile, but I don't feel like smiling, I try but I can't. I turn back to Teddy, ''so what did you do?''

''We baked cookies… you can taste if you want. And we played in the yard. She has a big yard.'' He says, and shows with his arms how big it is. That's something he does, always try to show how big a thing is by using his arms to demonstrate. I hear Christian chuckle, and I guess he's watching Teddy in the review mirror.

''Are you hungry? Or have you and grandma eaten anything?'' Christian asks him. Teddy looks like he's thinking about it.

''I'm hungry,'' that's all he says, not yes I've eaten or no.

Christian tells him we're going to a restaurant and I ''surprisingly'' don't feel hungry. I lean back in my seat and stare out the window. I feel like crying and screaming and demand that Christian drive us home, but I can't with Teddy in the car. I just want to go home, and wake up back in Montesano and that this was just one horrible dream. That daddy is healthy and that Teddy and I never went to Seattle. And then a thought hits me, and I don't like it at all. I wish Christian wasn't Teddy's father. I don't want to think or hope for that, but I can't help it, the thought came.

''Stop the car!'' Christian stops at the side of the road, and I hurry out. I need fresh air; maybe it'll get the thought away. I hear Christian tell Teddy to stay in the car, and he's by my side in seconds. ''I can't do this Christian, I really can't.'' I look him in the eyes as tears stream down my face.

''Can't do what?'' he breaths. He looks scared, and it looks like he might cry soon.

''I can't pretend that what you showed me, didn't make me sick. I can't pretend to believe that you don't want to do that to me. I think Teddy and I should find somewhere else to live.'' I don't want to lose contact with Christian, we could never do that. But living with him isn't working at the moment.

''Ana please don't do this.'' He tries to reach for me, but I take a step back. ''Please… I can't lose you.''

''We will stay in Seattle, you can see Teddy anytime you want to, and…'' I try to reason with him, but he cuts me off.

''No Ana_, I_. Can't. Lose. _You._''


	15. Chapter 15

**CPOV**

This past week has been one of my most confusing weeks ever; I'm not sure what's going on at the moment. Ever since Friday things have been a mess.

After I pretty much admitted to Ana that I loved her, she ignored it. She got back in the car, and didn't say a word to me. When we drove to an Italian restaurant to eat dinner, she didn't really eat; she just pushed her food around.

When we arrived back home at Escala, she went straight to bed, without a word to me, she said 'good night' to Teddy but that was it. The next day she was her old happy self, and acted as if nothing ever happened. She's not ignoring me, but she's ignoring what happened yesterday. What I showed her and what I told her. When Teddy goes to bed at night, so does she, she's avoiding being alone with me. So I'm assuming the feelings here aren't mutual.

Monday was the most confusing. I woke up 5 am, just as I used to before Teddy came to my life. And Ana was standing in the kitchen making breakfast. And when I asked her why, she just answered that she thought I needed to eat before I left for work.

I'm starting to get worried, her behavior has been manic lately, and if it doesn't stop soon I'll have a professional take a look at her. Every night before I go to bed, I lean my head against her bedroom door, and I hear the TV. I'm not sure if she's awake or what she is doing, but the TV is always on, and sometimes I can hear her making sounds. And when I wake up early every morning, she's standing in the kitchen like a housewife from the 50s. She also talks more, and when she starts she doesn't stop. Teddy thinks it's hilarious the way she doesn't make any sense, but it's as far from funny.

When we small talk in the mornings, she always has new ideas, and things she wants to try and do, always something new. And she doesn't get out of Escala at all, I've been grocery shopping with Teddy lately, and there's always something I forget. She acts as if it doesn't bother her, but you can read it on her body language that it does. She is also easily distracted, if she is going on and on about something that she says is important and you interrupt her, she won't remember what she was talking about before you interrupted her.

I'm scared at what lengths she is willing to go. She won't talk about her feelings she is always brushing it off, and I'm terrified that every time I get home, I need to check that she is still alive. She won't talk to me, but I'm afraid she might have suicidal thoughts, because this isn't like her. She also gets easily irritated, but every time that happens, she walks to her room. I walked after her one time, and she went in to the bathroom, turned the shower on and screamed bloody murderer. Escala is a big apartment, and the shower prevented the sound to reach far, but I had my ear pressed up against the door, so I heard it all.

I've done some research about her obvious symptoms, and it may look like she's having a breakdown. In her age, there are signs you should look for, mood shifts, reckless behavior, explosive temper, and long crying outburst. I haven't found throwing up as a symptom anywhere, but she's done that a lot lightly. The thought that she might be pregnant has occurred, to me but we used condoms both times, and she denies it. She is living in denial about everything.

Ana has been staying home with Teddy, and hasn't tried getting a job, but in the condition she is in now, it would probably be for the best. Not that she needs to work, but I know that she want to use her time on something.

I took Teddy with me to eat lunch with gramps and finally introduced them. And they bonded from the start, gramps loved Teddy before I got to say ''this is Teddy, my son,'' which I have said so many times, the past couple of weeks.

It's Wednesday, and I'm taking the rest of the week off. I need to focus on what I can do to help Ana. I've talked to Ros roughly about what's happening, and she agrees that I should be with my family. And she said she had everything under control, I've sent over every file and report and every mail that get's sent to me, will I forward to her. I don't know what I would do without Ros, no one could do her job better than her. And I'm so fucking pleased that I hired her.

My mom has agreed to let Teddy stay with her a while. He's going over there later today, and will be staying there as long as I need him to be there. The hospital has a 'playground' with staff, for the employees at the hospital with kids. So when she's at work he'll be there. I think it will be good for him to spend some time with other children. Plus I know that my dad really wants to take Teddy with him to work one day. Maybe see if he can get him interested in law.

I go into Ros' office to tell her I'm done for the week. I'm going through all the things I'm going to ask Ana, once I've dropped Teddy off at my parents'. No matter how long it will take, we're getting to the bottom of what's really bothering her. She's a great mom, and she doesn't let her mood stop her from that, but she is holding everything in, and that can't be healthy.

''I'm going now…'' I say as I peak my head in Ros' office door. ''I'm only a phone call away, so if there's anything you need help with, call.'' She stands up and walks towards me. I open her door completely, and she stretches out her arms, normally I wouldn't do it, but I walk into her arms and hold onto her. I hate this kind of intimate contact, but it's nice. Ros and I have spent a lot of time together through the years, and we've never been like this towards each other.

''Turn off your phone, boss. Give her your full divided attention.'' I nod at her, and give her small smile. ''Get your girl healthy okay?'' _my girl_, I love the sound of it. It is my girl, my boy, my family, its prefect. ''Depression is a cruel world, don't get sucked into it, help her out.'' I feel like I'm on the verge of tears. I just wish everything would be okay. That Ana wouldn't have freaked and shut me out after Friday. I thought telling her was the best thing. I should've just pretended that, that was never a part of who I am.

''See you Monday… and good luck with your second date with Gwen.'' She smiles, but seems uncomfortable. She starts to fidget with a pen.

''I'm wondering why I said yes to a second date now. We really aren't a good match. She has too strong opinions on _everything._'' This makes me laugh.

''So do you Ros, just get to know her better.''

''I'll try, now go!'' she shoos me out off her office. I make my way to the parking garage and I'm on my way to pick up Teddy. I have told my mom exactly what's going on, minus what I showed Ana Friday. Mom also agree I should focus on Ana, and of course she didn't mind having Teddy over for a while.

I arrive at Escala and go into Teddy's room and pick up the bag I packed for him yesterday. Teddy and Ana are sitting in the living room. Teddy playing, and Ana stares out the window, but I don't think she's looking at anything. ''Come Teddy, let's go to grandma.''

''Yes!'' he jumps up, and runs to get his shoes. Ana's head snap up when he runs. She looks sad and tired. Exhausted is written all over her.

''Oh, hi'' she looks down at the bag I have in my hand. ''What are you doing?'' she asks.

''I'm taking Teddy to my parents. We're going to talk later.'' She narrows her eyes at me, then she rises tells me to 'fuck off' then she went to her room. This is not going to be easy, but I'm not giving up before I have my Ana back.

Delivering Teddy went fine, he was too excited to even say goodbye to me. I talked to my mom a bit before I left, and I told her about my concerns. She personally doesn't think it's anything serious, but she doesn't know why Ana is acting this way. And I can't help shake that feeling that if I just had forgotten about BDSM, and never brought that up we could be happy now. But we aren't.

I head back to Escala, and make my way up to the apartment. As I enter the apartment I go to the kitchen, needing something strong to get through this. I see Ana sitting by the kitchen island, her head in her arms, and she's sobbing. It breaks my heart watching her like this, not knowing what I can do to help her. I stand there clenching and unclenching my fists, trying to decide the best tactic to use here.

She turns her head to the side, looking at me. Her hair sticking up in every direction, she's nibbling on her bottom lip and the look in her eyes make my heart ache for her. All I know is that something is wrong, and I want to fix it. The question is _how?_

I move forward kneeling down beside her chair, her eyes red, her skin is paler than normal. I just stare at her, and her tears start to roll down on the table. I hug her, and run my arm up and down her back, as she cries into my shirt.

''Shh, Ana'' I try to soothe her ''tell me what's wrong.'' She shakes her head, but doesn't push me away. I lean back, and hold her head in my hands, and she doesn't meet my eyes. She's looking everywhere else. ''We can get you help,'' I continue when she doesn't say anything, ''just tell me what you need help with, and I'll get it for you.'' She wraps her arms around me, and hugs me again. ''You're a young mother, you've lost your dad, you've been through so much lately… and it can be problematic for you now, but we'll get you _through_ this.'' As I say that, she cries out, loud sobs.

She tries gasping for air, but fail. She runs to her bathroom and throws herself in front of the toilet, and throws up again. In only seconds I'm sitting beside her, holding her hair away and rubbing her back. Can she be pregnant? And scared of how I'll react? Is it possible? We used condoms, but they can break. I don't ask her though; I want her to tell me. But if she tells me she's pregnant I don't think that would bother me, just look how amazing Teddy is, and I want to go through it all with her, from the start, watching her stomach grow with time, till the birth, and the years to come after that.

When she's done throwing up, she leans back against the wall, and hug her knees. I just stare at her, not knowing which tactic I should use now. She has tears in her eyes, and they're swollen red, but her sobbing is under control, for the moment.

''Baby, please talk to me. Tell me what I can do,'' I try again, with no luck. She doesn't answer and she's avoiding looking at me. ''I want to help you, _please_.''

''Don't bother Christian, it will pass'' her voice sounds weak, and tight. ''Why do you even care?''

''I thought my feelings for you were damn clear by now, or?'' I ask her, but she doesn't answer. She leans her head against the wall, looking up at the ceiling, brushing away the tears as they arrive. I don't know how long we sit like this. I'm watching her waiting for her to give in and tell me what's wrong, but she doesn't. ''Anastasia, I know this is my fault…'' and her sobs are back, louder this time. So I know it's what happened Friday that bothered her. ''I thought I was doing the right thing, but I guess not. But just know that I don't want to do that stuff with you… that's my past, the subs are in the past, and I want to live in the future. You, Teddy and I, just as it should be.'' Hoping my words would make her see I'm serious about this.

She leans her head on my shoulder, when I sit down beside her to comfort her. I feel her tears making my t-shirt wet. ''Tell me what's doing this.'' I say, grabbing her hand, and rubbing it. It usually soothes her, so I give it a try.

''I can't'' she says, and I close my eyes in frustration. I want to scream and yell and demand her to tell me, but I know that won't help anyone in this situation. ''You'll hate,'' she says after a little while with silence.

''I could never hate you, I won't ever hate you.'' I sneak my arm around her shoulder, holding her closer. ''Please tell me, I can help you through this.'' I will do my fucking best, to see a smile on Ana's face again. She's so beautiful when she's smiling, and seeing her hurt and scared is killing me. Then she whispers something so low, that I had no chance to hear what it was she was saying. ''I didn't hear you baby, say it again.'' I say, and I shouldn't have.

''Christian'' she cries out, leaning away from me, her head resting in her hands. ''I can't say it again. Don't make me say it,'' she cries loudly '_'please!_''

''I honestly didn't hear you, baby. But no matter what it is we're getting through It.'' she looks at me in disbelief, while shaking her head violently. Something I've seen Teddy do when he's frustrated.

''I don't want to say it… I can't'' she breaths out, and even though she tries to push my hands away, I pull her in my lap, holding tight around her. Telling her I could never hate her, and I will never leave her. She leans back, and looks at me, trying to stop her heavy sobbing. She shuts her eyes closed again, and shakes her head before she calms down. ''Christian,'' she lightly sobs and my heart break more and more waiting for her to continue. When she has her crying and breathing under control she looks at me again. ''I… I had…'' she blinks the new tears that are threatened to fall. ''I had a miscarriage.'' She rushed out.

I'm in shock, and I don't know what to say. Ana keeps staring at me, tears streaming down her face. When I don't say anything she closed her eyes, and starts to sob again. ''How? I mean… what… you're sure?'' I sigh, hoping she just thinks that what's happen, maybe her period was just later than normal that can happen without meaning you was pregnant, right?

She nods, and tells me she went to the doctor when I left for work Monday, and the doctor did indeed confirm that it was a miscarriage. I feel tears start to roll down my face, ''When?'' I ask, she opens her eyes and looks pained, and shakes her head. ''When?'' I demand this time. I just want to shake her, and tell her it isn't funny, that she shouldn't joke about stuff like that. I want her to tell me she lied, that it was all a sick lie.

''It doesn't matter now, it won't change anything,'' she tries to dry all her tears, and look like this isn't bothering her anymore, but she fails. ''The baby, won't come back.''

''Please just tell me when, I deserve to know.'' She isn't the only one here who lost a child. I didn't even know that she was pregnant, but still I feel like this is ripping my heart out. _''Please,''_ I breath, and she looks down at her lap.

''I think it started Friday, I started feeling… I don't know what I was feeling…cramps? I thought it was my period. The next day it was way too much blood, but it still didn't register in my brain that something could be wrong. Through the day, it was more and more and it didn't stop. The pain got worse… I needed to do stuff to ignore the pain.'' She lets out a shaky breath, and dries her tears one more time. ''The thoughts of what it could be swarmed around in my head, but I didn't want to think it was that until I had been to the doctor… I didn't even know I was pregnant, but I want it back.''

''Friday?'' I whisper. ''Oh god… no, _NO! _I did this… I need to wake up, I need to…'' I place her gently down at the bathroom floor, before I get up. I storm down to the parking garage. And get in the car, and drive like there's someone after me trying to kill me, like I'm driving from death itself.

I head over to my moms'; I just need someone who I can talk to. I feel bad about leaving Ana the way I did, but it wouldn't help anyone if I stayed. I don't knock on the door as I've started doing recently; I barge right in and head for the living room. I see my parents and Teddy all sitting on the floor playing, and happy. A strangled sob escapes from me, and my parents both look up. I must look like hell, the way I'm standing here, crying. My mom is up on her feet as soon as possible, and walks over to me.

''Teddy why don't we go to your room'' Dad says to Teddy, and Teddy look up at him confused, then he sees me. First a smile on his face, then he frowns again. He gets up and walks over to me, and hugs me along with my mom.

''Why you sad daddy?'' He asks, as he tugs on my pants to drag me down to his level. I squat down, and take him in my arms, smelling his hair, taking in his calming Teddy smell. His smell calms me down; his mother has the same affect on me. I dry my tears, and try my best to smile at him.

''Daddy just got some sad news,'' he nods, and walks away with dad. I stand up again, and I break down. I can't remember last time I've cried so much, if I ever have. Mom tries her best to carry me over to the couch, my arm over her shoulder and my feet giving in. She pushes me down on the couch and waits silently for me to tell her what's going on. And I do, I tell her exactly what happened Friday, I tell her what I showed Ana, what I told her, I told her about Elena without mentioning her name. The words didn't stop, I mentally kicked myself trying to tell myself that my mother didn't need or want to hear this, but the words just poured out of me.

''So…'' she says, probably not knowing the right way to react. The fact that I'm crying, which she almost never has seen me do, makes her calmer. If I weren't crying, she would drag me by the ear home to Escala and demanding me talking this through with Ana. ''Is this why she's upset? Well of course it is I'm upset by this. It's a normal reaction to a 'news' this big… for lack of a better word.'' She's not looking at me, she's staring at a family picture that was taken around the time I was 7 probably 8.

''I don't know her feelings towards what I told her, but that's not the reason she's upset. I wish that was the reason, but it's not.'' I feel like digging a hole in the ground and hiding away. How do I tell my mother that what happened Friday made Ana loose our child?

''It's not,'' she asks, looking at me.

''No it's… because… _shit mom!_ She had a miscarriage! And it happened Friday, after I told her… it's all my fault… it's my fault she's no longer pregnant.'' I start to pace back and forth in the living room, while mom is sitting there with a shocked look, not knowing what to say. ''I killed our child.'' That makes my mom snap out of whatever shocking state she was in.

''_No_ Christian, this was not your fault, a miscarriage are not anyone's fault. Not yours and not Ana's, understood?'' She asks, angrily. ''It could be a mismatched chromosome or a logical explanation, Christian there's a million different explanation to why people miscarry. Stress can be a cause of that, but this wasn't your fault. You are not responsible for the loss of your baby, neither of you is responsible.'' She stands and gives me a tight hug. She's hugging me, and I'm hugging her back, normally she wouldn't hold me. ''Give Ana some time, give her time to heal and grieve, but talk to her. It's not healthy to keep it in, _that_ will hurt her in long haul.''

I don't stay for long, needing to get back to Ana.


	16. Chapter 16

**APOV**

When Christian left I broke down, more than before. I knew he would hate me. _I Hate_ me. I'm a woman for crying out loud; I'm supposed to carry my own child, to keep it safe. I feel guilty for not being able to do what I'm supposed to do. I couldn't even give birth to my own son. I'm a failure as a human being, and now Christian hates me.

I feel dead inside, and I've been holding it in because of Christian and Teddy, but this is tearing me apart. I didn't even know I was pregnant; I didn't want to be pregnant, now I do. Now I want nothing more than for a chance to get to know my child. To hold it, to see it grow up, but I won't ever have the chance.

I'm still bleeding, and the doctor said it could take up to a couple weeks to make it stop. I will be reminded about this for over a month, I will have to change pads and see what the loss of my child looks like. All I want to do is take a pregnancy test and get the same result that I did with Teddy. This has to be a mistake. This isn't happening, I've done nothing wrong, and I've taken good care of myself.

Why me? Why did this have to happen? The doctor recommended that I talked to a specialist, who is a specialist on miscarriages? Talking to someone won't help me anyway; it won't go back in time and change what happened. Why should I talk about this and admit that I've failed as a woman? I feel so embarrassed. I have so many feelings, grief, anger, guilt and fear that it may happen again.

I start my search after Christian, but he's nowhere to be found. I looked for a while, scared that he left and didn't want to face me. After a few looks in different rooms, I found him out on the balcony, sitting in one of the chairs, his head in his hands and shaking. He looks up at me, and he's eyes are red. He doesn't say anything, but opens his arms for me, and I sit down on his lap.

''I told my mom'' he says after a while, we're just sitting there. ''I'm sorry I left.'' He says, and nuzzles my hair.

''I'm sorry too,'' I say, a few tears falling down my face.

''What are you sorry about? You have nothing to be sorry about,'' he says, leaning away and looking me in the eyes, with a serious look.

''For not being able to keep our baby safe, for… losing it'' he hugs me tight, and tells me over and over again that it's not my fault, and that I couldn't do it anything differently. But I still feel like I'm at fault, both of us are.

He rocks us gently while kissing the side of my head. ''It is okay baby, we'll… I don't know… but… we'll get through this… together.'' We sit there crying softly in each other's shoulders, both mourning the child we never got to know. ''How are you feeling?'' he asks, when we've both calmed down.

''Like hell,'' I admit and I can see the hurt in his eyes. ''Angry, sad… happy'' I smile and he frowns at me.

''Happy?'' I nod, with a little smile on my face.

''I don't really believe in life after death and all that. But what if… what if our baby is up there'' I look up, and he follows my gaze ''with my dad… I know he would take care of him or her… Charlie'' I say and he frowns.

''What?''

''Charlie, it could fit for a boy or girl, Teddy and Charlie.'' Then the tears are back. There are no Teddy and Charlie, there's only Teddy because he's here, and Charlie is there, wherever that is.

Christian wipes my tears away, and holds my face in his hands. ''Charlie, I like it.''

We sit like that for a while, just looking out at Seattle, hearing cars passing by, going on with their life. We sit snuggled in a blanket, even if it's June. Christian has shifted around under me a lot, and I'm guessing I'm not that light, but I don't want to get up. I like this; I can be honest with him now and I don't have to hide every time I feel like crying. And he doesn't hide the fact that he's been crying to.

''Come, let's take a walk. Let's get out of here.'' Christian says, and stands up with me in his arms, and walks us to my room. I get out of my sweat pants and dirty t-shirt and take on a dress. I walk out and find Christian in shorts and a t-shirt. We make our way down, and start to walk. We're not really walking to a place, just getting out of the apartment. It's nice, and distracting.

We walk past a playground, and children are laughing and having fun. I smile at their happy squeals. I want to take Teddy here sometime, he would love it. We continue to walk hand in hand; Christian is rubbing his thumb on my hand, as we walk. We sit down on a bench, just enjoying a June day in Seattle, not thinking of what has happened. I keep staring at a couple ahead of us; they're kissing and laughing, and obviously in love. When I look up at Christian, I see he's looking at them too.

They're having a picnic, and can't keep their hands of each other. I wonder if I'll ever have something like that, someone who loves me so much, and won't stop making me happy, someone who will cherish me and my son forever. My experience with love isn't that great, limited to one person. I wonder if the person I've always loved will one day love me back. And treat me the way a man should treat the woman he loves.

I feel Christian tense, and he tightens his grip on me. I look up at him, but his gaze is still at the couple. I look back at the happy couple and they're standing. He is kissing her, while rubbing her pregnant stomach. Automatically I hide my face in Christian's side to hide my tears. ''We'll go back home, when you're ready.'' he says, and continues to hold me.

When I calm down we take a cab back home. I didn't realize that we walked that far. But it took the cab almost half an hour to get back to Escala, we head into the elevator and finally I can sob without worrying about the people around me.

''Oh baby,'' Christian wraps himself around me and hit the 'stop' button.

''I'm so angry! At me, at you and at life'' he starts the elevator again without a word, but he inserts a different code than from the one to the penthouse. When we walk out we're in a gym. We keep walking to the corner furthers away from everything else. The gym isn't empty, but Christian opens a door and pulls me in, before locking the door behind us. The lights come automatic on, when there's movements. When I turn around a see a boxing ring, and a few boxing bags lined up. Christian walks over to one of the bag, then goes in a locker and come back with gloves.

''What are we doing here?'' I ask, as he hands over the gloves. Taking them in my hands, I look at them, wondering what I'm supposed to do with them.

''Show me,'' he says and I frown at him. ''Show me how mad you are. If that bag was the thing responsible for our loss, what would you do to it?'' I put the gloves on, seeing what he wants me to do. ''Get it all out there baby, hit that son of a bitch.'' I take a swing at the bag, and it doesn't move. ''Come on baby, you're angrier than that.'' I narrow my eyes and hit again, harder this time. ''That's more like it, but still not enough.'' He walks over to me, standing behind me leaning down and whispering in my ear. ''You hit like a girl. Come on baby take you anger out on the bag, it deserves it.'' He kisses me right under the ear, and I lunch myself at the bag.

Hit after hit, it feels better and better. I'm too distracted, too angry to cry. The harder I hit the better I feel. The more the bag swing, the more satisfied I feel. I grunt out a noise as I take a new hit. It's really freeing, and I can see why Teddy loved it so much. The more I hit, the more of the anger leaves my body. When I can't take it anymore I sink to my knees, trying to catch my breath.

''You did great baby, did it feel good?'' I nod.

''Thank you,'' I whisper. ''I needed that, that's exactly what I needed.'' He smiles and nods knowingly. I guess this is how he held himself out of fights. I walk over to one of the many mirrors here, and take a look at the mess I've become. I'm in a dress, and I have boxing gloves on. My hair is all over the place, and not to mention my permanent tear stained face. I look like a mess, and I can't believe Christian let me go out like this.

We make our way back up to the apartment, and I head for the shower. The rest of the day is quiet. We're sitting in the living room, not doing anything. We make small talk, and order food. When we go to bed, Christian leads me to his bedroom, and we fall asleep. He's holding me, and I snuggle into him, and for the first time in a long time I can actually sleep more than a few minutes at time.

I wake up a few hours later, listening to Christian tap away on his phone. It's selfish of me to keep him here to comfort me, when he has a business to run. No stretch that, an Empire to run. But I like the times Christian is like this, he's not the cocky Christian I've gotten to know over the past weeks, now I can see glimpses of the old Christian. The Christian who gave me a beautiful son, the Christian that wouldn't let anyone say anything bad to me, who pushed people away when I got uncomfortable. The Christian that stole my heart.

''Thank you,'' I whisper, I have so many things to be grateful for when it comes to Christian. What he told me Friday is still in my head, and it's bothering the hell out of me. But he was so sweet towards me yesterday, he… I don't know it's confusing. I think I'll always love him, no matter what he has done in his past, but the things he did in his past he absolutely can't do towards me. At some level I want to push him away, but I couldn't do that to Teddy, and plus I would miss him like hell, no matter how little I like to admit that.

''For what'' he asks back and put his phone down on his nightstand, and sinks deeper down in the covers, wrapping his arms back around me. I feel his breath against my head, it's soothing.

''For lying to me,'' I smile, it didn't need a genius to find out that he was lying back when we were 16 years old. But I will forever be grateful for it.

''What? When did I lie to you'' he asks, pushing me more against him.

''You got into Harvard, you obviously weren't struggling with math.'' He's quiet for a while, before he answers.

''Okay, so maybe I wasn't failing… but I was… I'' I chuckle and turn around to look at him, our faces inches apart.

''I saw your test scores, Christian'' his eyes widen, ''they were better than mine.'' I say, and he tries to come up with an explanation, stuttering out a few words that don't make sense.

''Oh…ehm…I…you…it… Why did you continue to tutor me if you knew I didn't need help?'' he asks, rising one eyebrow at me.

''It was funny, wasn't it? For me it was, looking how you would react every time I gave you a wrong answer, and you tried to make me rethink my answer, without letting on you knew the answer, it was hilarious.''

''You were playing me?'' he asks with a smile tugging at his lips. ''Was it the only reason?'' he asks, all seriousness back. I think back to the day we first spoke, I think I stuttered on every other word. He caught me by surprise. I wasn't one of the most popular people in the school, I always liked being alone. But I had noticed Christian; we shared always a glance every time we went past each other in the hall ways. We had a few classes together, math being one of them. ''You're welcome,'' he says.

''Huh?'' I ask.

''That I lied to you, you're welcome'' he gives me a smile, not his cocky grin or a weak smile. This is a genuine smile; I used to see on his face every time we got together.

''Oh yeah, if you hadn't lied I probably wouldn't have Teddy.'' He kisses me on the cheek, before I roll out of bed and go to the bathroom. I brush my teeth, and take a look at myself in the mirror. I don't look that exhausted anymore, but my face is still tearstained and pale. I walk back in to the bedroom, but Christian isn't there. I make my way to the kitchen, and he's standing there trying to make breakfast, only in his pajamas pants.

He has a really nice body, and I guess he didn't get that over the night. The 2 times we have had sex since I arrived back in Seattle, we were always partly dressed. He's still partly dressed, but _wow._

''I wanted to get to know you'' I say, as I walk up to him looking at what he's doing. He is making scramble eggs and bacon; so far they have the right color.

''Huh,'' he asks, while he takes out 2 plates for us, placing them on the kitchen counter.

''The reason I said yes to tutor you,'' he turns around with a little smirk playing at the corner of his mouth. He takes me in his arms and hugs me tight, saying 'me too' and how happy he is that he lied, and that he would do it over and over again, if that meant we got Teddy. We eat breakfast, and he tells me he has something to show me. So I walk to my room and get dressed. He said it doesn't matter how I get dressed, so I have no idea what he's showing me.

''Where are we going?'' I ask, as we sit in the car on our way to somewhere. Christian gives me his cocky grin, and winks at me. The rest of the way Christian sits in a deep thought, not saying anything. He seems worried and nervous, like he did Friday. If he has another motel lying around in his back pocket _I will leave. _It won't even be a question, there's only so much you can take. I have plenty of questions about it, and I want to look it up online, but he told me not to so I'm not going too. I'll trust him to tell me the truth about it when I ask him.

But that a ''friend'' of his mother seduced him is sickening. And I wonder if she's still a family friend, if his mother still spends time with her, without knowing what really happened between her and her son. I want to puke at the thought of someone doing that to Teddy.

''You hungry? You didn't eat much at breakfast,'' he says turning slightly towards me, at a red light.

''Yes,'' I admit. It's not that he can't cook anything… well it is; it didn't taste good at all. But he tried, so I wanted to eat it for him. It was a nice thought. Maybe I should get him to take a few cooking classes, I would totally do them with him it would be hilarious.

''Okay, lunch first.'' He drives toward the waterfront. It's another beautiful day here in Seattle; it's been fine every day since I arrived a couple weeks back. He parks the car opposite a vast marina. ''We'll eat here,'' he says, then gets out of the car and open my door.

We eat seafood, at a restaurant then stroll down the Marina. We wander hand in hand, and look at all the boats. There are over hundreds of boats, big and small. At the end of the Marina the biggest boats are. Well I wouldn't call them boats, more like yachts. The smallest boats here are way bigger than the boat my dad used to have. There aren't that many people here, but that's probably because it's Thursday. We walk down between the boats, the further we go, the bigger they get.

''What are we looking at?'' I ask, as we stop by a big catamaran. He let's go off my hand, and stands behind me, draping his arms over me. He is resting his chin on top of my head.

''A catamaran,'' he says and kisses the top of my head he continues before I can say _duh!_ ''It is my catamaran,'' he tells me. Of course it is its big and really beautiful. ''I can't drive it yet, I'm going to learn… maybe you can learn with me.''

''Yeah maybe… It's really nice.'' We walk aboard and he shows me around. And all I have to say is _WOW!_ I've never seen anything like this before. It's bigger than Kate and mine's apartment in Vancouver; at least it feels like that. There's a master bedroom, with a king sized bed, and dressers it's quite big, there's a freaking bathtub in the bathroom. There are bathrooms at both sides outside of the bedroom, and 2 kings sized bed rooms, slightly smaller than the master bedroom. We head back up to the main saloon. There's an L-shaped couch seated for at least 8 people. Then we walk into another room and it's a kitchen.

We walk outside looking out over the ocean. The boat is at least 40, maybe 50 feet long. It's beautiful, and I wouldn't mind learning to drive it. ''We could take Teddy out here with us,'' he says, and stand behind me again. ''He would love it, the 3 of us. It would be perfect.'' I lean my head back against his chest and look up at him.

''It would,'' I smile. I don't turn away; I just stand there looking up at him. He shifts between staring in my eyes, and at my lips. I turn around, and he smile down at me. His arms wraps around me in an embrace. He tightens his grip, and I take the opportunity to hold him back. He pulls back, and looks briefly at me, and in a flash his lips are touching mine. The kiss is soft, and I feel myself melt into him. His hand is roaming my back, as the kiss depends.

I thread my fingers through his soft hair; I get a tingling feeling, when he tries to pull me closer. We pull a part, out of breath. Our arms still wrapped around each other, and we lean our foreheads against each other.

''I love you,'' he whispers, and my eyes widen. ''I've always loved you.'' He pulls away to gauge my reaction. But I'm shocked; at last I hear the words I've wanted to hear ever since I told him at the diner 5 years ago. ''I'm sorry for all the ways I've hurt you. And I know you don't feel the same, but I love you. I don't want to hide it anymore.'' I feel tears starting to form and the words are at the tip of my tongue, but I can't get them out. I blink away my tears, and kiss him again, hoping to show him that I love him too. ''Let's go, I have more to show you.'' He takes my hand, and we walk back to the car.

**CPOV**

We're on our way to a private airport. I want to take her gliding. I learned a year ago how to fly one, and I love it. You can sort of escape the world, and be alone for a little while.

We're not talking in the car over to the airport. Both at loss at words, I told her I love her, I finally told her and a part of me thought she would say it back, but she didn't. So my assumptions were right, there are no longer feelings for me there.

Maybe she will get feelings for me, who knows. But I love her; I've always loved her and will always. I could never love anyone else, and if she ever loves me back, I'll be here waiting for her. I'll probably die alone, I'll be miserable, and have to bribe Teddy to come and visit me. Okay, don't take the sorrow in advance, with time you never know can happen.

I also want to show Ana, _Charlie Tango._ I learned how to fly a helicopter the year she left. After she left it was my way to forget things, I had more ways to forget things, Elena being one of them and then there were drinking, but I love flying _Charlie Tango._

I've yet to talk to Ana about Elena. One thing's for sure, she is out of my life. I won't have any more contact with her, after Teddy I've seen what she really did to me. It didn't register as something wrong back then, but now, all the things we've done it's horrible. What if something like that happened to Teddy? I could've known my son a long time ago, if it weren't for Elena. I told her many times that I wanted to visit Ana and apologize, but she always got me to change my mind. If I hadn't listened to her, I would've had him in my life from the beginning.

Love is for fools? Well then call me a fool, because I love Ana, and I don't plan on her slipping through my fingers anytime soon. We arrive where the glider is standing and Ana gasps. I know she's afraid of heights, so maybe I should've thought of that, but this is so amazing and I think she will love it.

''No Christian,'' she says, and stare at me with big round eyes. I take her hand and kiss the backside, telling her it will be fine. After a few tears, and a lot of talking she agreed to come up with me in it. When we were done, she loved it… actually she hated it, but with time maybe she can enjoy it. And I can't wait to take Teddy with me in it. I think I'll buy one, I've always lent a glider, but I want to own one myself.

**APOV**

Not to overreact, but I thought I was going to die. And I mean die, up there in the air, full heart attack and all. I'm glad it's a while since we ate lunch, because I nearly threw up. It was really nice up there, it wasn't that but me and heights are a no go. If I do it a few times I think I could get used to it, but right now it wasn't fun at all.

We headed back to Escala after that and spent the rest of the day relaxing. We went to bed in Christian's bed again, the same position like yesterday. He whispered ''I love you,'' before I drifted off, and I muttered ''I love you too,'' back. I wish I didn't though, not because it's not true, but I wanted to be awake when I did it, now I drifted off right after the words left my mouth. I was awake long enough to feel Christian's arms tighten around me, and pull me closer to him, and kiss me on my neck.


	17. Chapter 17

**APOV**

Christian and I are on our way over to his parents. Teddy is getting his cast of today, so we will have a _Teddy day_, where he decides where and what we do. Hopefully it would be something like a movie, or anything relaxing like that. If he wants to go gliding, I'll _die_ again. Grace is going to cut the cast of, and we want to be there when she does it.

When we woke up today neither one of us commented what I told him while I was half sleep, he's probably waiting for me to say it when I know what I'm saying. I really do love him, but am I ready for that? If I admit that I love him, what will happen between us? Will things continue like now? Will he ask me to be his fuck buddy again? Or will we be a family, forever? But am I ready for either one of the things to happen? Can I live with him without anything happening, can I emotionally agree to be his fuck buddy, or do I want to be with him for the rest of my life? It's all so confusing.

We drive up the drive way and head in. They are all sitting in the kitchen, just done with lunch. Teddy runs to me, and I squat down at his level. He run so fast that he pushes me back and we lay there on the floor, laughing hysterically. I hold him tight, it's been 2 days, and I miss my baby boy so much.

Grace walks in to the hall with a pair of her medical scissors, I look at over at Christian and he is looking at us with so much love in his eyes. I give him a smile, and he returns it. Teddy leaps up and walks after Grace to the upstairs bathroom. Christian offers me his hand to help me up. I take it and in a second I'm in his arms. I look him in the eyes, and I'm sure he's going to kiss me again; I _want _him to kiss me again. He leans forward and so do I, when we're just a few inches apart he leans forward and whisper in my ear ''I love you,'' then he gives me a sweet but chaste kiss on the lips, and he walks the way Teddy and Grace went.

After Grace cut Teddy's cast open he hasn't stopped clenching and unclenching his hand, and looking at it oddly. Grace said it might itch for a while. He lifts things; he starts with small light things then go heavier and heavier, bigger and bigger. His arm seems fine; he doesn't flinch when he lifts things, so that's good.

''Teddy what do you want to do today? You can choose anything.'' Christian says, and Teddy lifts his finger to the side of his face like he's thinking. He takes away the finger and has a huge grin on his face, like a little light lit just over his head.

''Bowling!'' he says and high fives Christian. Wow he really wants to use his arm again, but bowling? I can't bowl even if it was to save my life. I'll do it for Teddy, but I know the day will end with Teddy and Christian laughing their asses of over how bad I am.

We walk in to the guest room Teddy was sleeping in and pack his stuff, Christian goes to the living room hunting for Teddy's toys. When I'm almost done packing there's a light knock on the door and Grace's head appears. ''Hey,'' she says, and walks over to me holding one of Teddy's teddy bears.

''Thank you,'' I say and pack it down in his bag. I try not to make eye contact with her, feeling a bit embarrassed. Firstly for keeping her grandson from her, plus Christian told her about the miscarriage. I just feel embarrassed.

''Christian told me,'' she says sweetly. Grace is a sweet woman, and I can see why Christian adores his mother, she wouldn't hurt a fly. ''I know what you're going through.'' I look at her, and she smiles sweetly at me. ''I got pregnant a few times, miscarried every one of them, for me it was impossible to carry a child into this world… medical reasons'' she says sadly. ''So we adopted. I love all my children just like they're my own. It'll get better… I'm not saying its easy going through, but you can always try again. Even if you've already had one miscarriage doesn't mean you'll have more.'' She talks to me in her doctor voice, and I guess all her patients adore her too.

If Christian just talked to his mom instead of hiding his feelings, she could've helped him away from the ''friend'' who seduced him at 17. Grace would never let anyone do that to her child, especially not someone she looked at as a friend.

''Thank you'' I walk over to her and give her a hug, a tear rolling down my face, not for me but for her. For the children she lost.

''I'm glad you adopted,'' I admit. I'm glad she adopted Christian and that she loves him even though he believes no one loves him or that he doesn't deserve it.

''So am I, wouldn't change that for a thing.'' She smiles, and we walk down to the others. ''It was meant that way, Carrick and I took in our children when they didn't have anyone.'' She shakes her head with a huge sweet smile on her face ''its a great feeling knowing that.''

We stay a few minutes, but Teddy really wants to go and that_ soon_. So we say our goodbyes, and we're on our way to the bowling hall. In the car over Teddy tells us all he's going to do, and how good he is at bowling, and he wants to eat a big pizza. Christian glances a few times over at me smiling, his face filed with so much love for our boy.

''Are you good at bowling daddy? I'm _really_ good,'' he says and Christian chuckle lightly.

''I've bowled a few times with Uncle Elliot, but not often so I'm not sure, can't remember.'' He answers. I'm wondering if Kate is the reason Christian don't spend more time with his brother. The times he has talked about him, he talked fondly of things they used to do, they seemed so close. But now Elliot is spending all his time with Kate, and Christian spends his time with Teddy and me.

''I can show you.'' He says, happily, ''Mommy is really bad at it.'' I turn around to look at him.

''Hey! That's not nice,'' I pout lightly and he laughs at me, and soon Christian joins him. I sit back in my seat and cross my arms, still pouting. I hate bowling. But I'll suffer through it for my little man.

I'm not as bad as I thought; I've gotten down more pins than I thought I would. With every hit Teddy has gotten down between 3-7 pins, and his father, well he gets strike every time. Me? Every time my ball goes down in the gutter, Teddy and Christian laugh so loudly. We're in a private room, there are 2 lanes and Christian paid for the other lane not to be used. So we're in here alone the 3 of us.

''Look at mommy,'' Christian says as I get ready throw the bowling ball for the second last time this round, ''you can see by the way she's standing that it's going to be a gutter ball.'' I'm really close to turn around and throw the ball on him. But I don't. I throw it and it's rolling almost at the middle, and I can see I'll get down maybe a few pins, and then ''Told you so.'' Christian says to Teddy when I miss and it rolls down in the gutter again. I hate it, it looks like you might get strike, but then suddenly the ball decides to turn direction.

I turn around pouting at them; Christian walks over to take my place. ''I don't want to do this anymore, it's not fun.'' I say, I cross my arms and stomp my feet, and Christian chuckles.

''Come on Ana its fun, plus we're doing this for Teddy.'' He says smirking at me. ''He loves it.''

''It's not fun when you make fun of me,'' I pout ''don't teach Teddy that it's okay to make fun of people.'' Every time I miss they start yelling _'gutter ball, gutter ball!' _and it doesn't help my confidence a bit, I'm not getting sad about it, but it's annoying and it's killing my mood.

''You're right, I'm sorry baby.''

''Don't '_baby_' me'' I say and walk over to Teddy to sit down with him. I love it when Christian calls me baby, it just feels good. Christian gets all 10 pins down again; he hasn't gotten the ball down in the gutter once.

Why can't adults also have a fence, it's unfair. I thought we had a fence, because it was there when Teddy played, so I thought that maybe I wouldn't suck that bad. But when it was my turn, when I stood there waiting for that thing to clear away Teddy's fallen pins, the fence went down. I've had 4 gutter balls, almost 50 % of my throws it ends there.

When Teddy rolls the ball, it hits left from right and over again at the fence, all the way to the pins. Everyone can do that with a fence. He hit's 7 pins, and jumps up and down proud of himself. I get up to pick up my ball. ''You did good Teddy,'' I take up my hand to give him a high five, but he goes over to Christian and do it. I feel a bit hurt by that. Teddy has always been my little boy, always been happy to do things with me and happy to see me, now he's a daddy's boy. I try to shake it off, not letting it affect me.

Christian walks over to me, ''let me help you baby.'' He says, and holds onto my hips. ''Stand back here'' he stands about 5 feet behind me now, ''then sprint over to the line and when you throw swing your right foot like this'' he says, and shows me how to do it, swinging it behind the left one ''try doing it that way.'' He walks back to stand behind me, ''or'' he whispers in my ear ''take the ball in your hand, lift it back'' Christian follows my moves, ''right there, follow the arrows… there… now'' I let go of the ball and it's almost with the pins. I look at it, it feels like hours. Then I get my first strike ever, and Teddy run over to me and high fives me.

''You did it mommy, whoo!'' he runs back to where he was sitting. 'Thank you' I mouth to Christian, and he nods and smiles, before getting another strike.

We finish the first round, Christian at first place, Teddy second and I, I suck, it wasn't that bad, it was more fun than I thought it would be, actually it was great. We take off our bowling shoes, and leave all our things in the room except our phones and wallets, and Christian gets them to lock the room. We walk over to the restaurant next door, to get pizza.

**CPOV**

We order the biggest kind of pizza they have, the request from the boss today. So far the day has been great, amazing, the best ever. I hope we have many more days like this. It doesn't take much to get Teddy happy, but he's been extra happy today, he can't stop smiling. Ana didn't seem sure on how she felt about going bowling to begin with, but then she started liking it.

Teddy is sitting with Ana in the booth, and I'm on the other side, with Ana's feet beside me. She used to do that a lot before, always taking of her shoes to take her feet up on chairs, or wherever we would sit. It takes all my will power not to tickle her foot, I really want to, and at the moment she's eyeing me skeptically.

We get the pizza and Teddy can't even eat one whole slice, and Ana only eats one, I'm on my third, and over half the pizza is left. Elliott could eat that at 2 seconds, but for normal people that's way too much food. I feel bad leaving it like that, so we get it in a take away box, and place it in the car, before heading back to the bowling alley to do our last round.

When Teddy throws his ball, he's doing it like a crazy person, he throws it really hard and it hit the lane with a loud _thump_, before swinging crazy from right to left. He tired kicking the ball one time, I've never looked at something go slower in all my life. Ana, she's more cautious and unsure of herself when she throws the ball. She needs to loosen up more, she standing there stiff, so it's no wonder that it slides in the gutter most of the time.

Bowling is a game you need to concentrate on, of course it's for fun, but you need to think to know what to do. It all comes down to what angle you're standing, what degree you swing you're arm, and how fast you swing it before letting go of the ball. You also need to loosen up, and be flexible; it doesn't do you any favor standing up and down stiff. You need to have those things in mind before throwing the ball, so you need concentration. If there's anything I have then it is that, it's a game made for people like me, it's a mind game.

''Throw it already,'' Ana shouts from behind me, so I do, and all the pins go down and Ana huffs behind me, while Teddy whoops in joy.

''My turn, my turn, now it's my turn'' he runs and gets his ball, it only takes 2 seconds, then you hear the thump of it being dropped. 'Ohhhhhh, oh oh oh oh. _Yes!'' _He air pumps his fist when he gets half of the pins down, then wait for the ball to return. He take the ball again, it has to be that ball. I tried telling him it would be wise to take 2 with him, but nope he could only have one lucky ball. He throws the ball again, and says the same, starts on a low ''ohhhh'' and it gets louder and louder, until it hits 2 more pins. ''Yes!'' he runs over to me and high fives me.

Ana stands there staring from the ball to the pins probably telling them to act nice. She's been better this round, but she still needs to loosen up more. She lets go off the ball, and it hits 8 of the pins, not bad. I get up to get ready.

I look down at where my feet's are standing, adjusting them to the middle. I start to swing the ball a little to begin with. Then suddenly I feel to arms wrap around me from behind. Sliding down from my chest, down my stomach, and I have to fight a hard on. It would not be appropriate having one with Teddy in the room. The ball slips and goes right down in the gutter. Ana giggles and takes her arms away and tries to walk away.

I spin around gripping her wrist, spin her around and then we're face to face, and her breathing quickens. I want to lean down and kiss her, she has the softest lips ever, and I could probably kiss her quick without Teddy noticing.

''Mommy! That's cheating,'' Teddy says sternly walking up to us, and I can't help laughing.

''Yes mommy that's cheating,'' I fake pout at her and stamp my feet just as she did earlier.

''Christian, let Teddy win this round okay?'' She whispers in my ear before sitting back down. She's right, I should let Teddy win. It's not that I want to be better than him, I was actually showing off, I don't normally do stuff like that, but I love that Teddy looks up to me. And maybe a little part of me showed off for Ana as well.

We finish the round, Teddy wins, I second and Ana last. I buy slush for Teddy before we head back to Escala, because he _really_ wanted one. We've been here all day, the first round took longer time than the last, but we also sat and relaxed a long time at the pizza joint before heading back to play our last round. Teddy seems tired now, so Ana told him he's going early to bed, which he didn't mind at all.

We sit in the car when I remember what weekend this is. ''Fuck!'' I look in the rearview mirror to see that Teddy is asleep, which he is. ''Shit, shit, shit, shit,'' I murmur under my breath.

''What is it?'' Ana asks, turning towards me.

''I'm leaving tomorrow, Ros and I we have a few meetings and conferences we need to attend in Portland.''

''Oh, okay. How long will you be gone?''

''4 days, maybe 5, shit baby, I need to go.'' There's no way I could avoid it, I don't want to be gone from Ana and Teddy for that long. We have meetings from 7 in the morning to around 10/11 at night, there's no way I could fly back and forth in Charlie Tango. There's no way I can see them in the days to come.

''It's okay Teddy and I'll be fine. Do you want us to find another place to stay when you're…'' I cut her off.

''No! Why would I that?'' I turn slightly to frown at her.

''Ehm… I don't know, it's your place after all.''

''It feels more like our place,'' I say and she doesn't answer, she turns away and starts to look out the window. ''Stay, I'll be back as soon as I can.'' I say, and park in the parking garage at Escala.

I carry Teddy to his bedroom when we arrive up in the apartment, and he mumbles a few words in his sleep, the words ''super'' I hear a few times and ''fun'' and ''again.'' It has been a _super fun_ day today, and we should do it _again sometime_.

When I head back in the living room Ana is standing there looking unsure of something. ''I'm going to bed now,'' she says and I nod at her. She walks past me but head in the other direction to my room, she's going to hers. I grab her hand shaking my head and leading her in to my room. She strip her clothes off, not hiding away from me, she standing in her underwear and walks over to my dresser and pulls out a t-shirt, putting it on and sitting down on my bed.

''I have questions'' she says, staring down at her fingers in her lap.

''Okay?'' I say, taking off my clothes until I'm in my boxers and sit down under the covers next to her, ''what about?'' I ask, turning towards her.

''About your 'special' friend and your lifestyle… Previous lifestyle?''

''…''


	18. Chapter 18

**APOV**

''I have questions'' I say, staring down at my fingers in my lap. I'm sitting in Christian's bed, and for the first time in a week we're going to talk about the things I learnt last Friday. I have so many questions, about him, about _her_, about them, and I don't know where to start.

''Okay?'' he says, taking off his clothes until he's in his boxers and sit down under the covers next to me, ''what about?'' he asks, turning towards me, with raised eyebrows.

''About your 'special' friend and your lifestyle… Previous lifestyle?''

''Previous,'' he says, and waits for me to continue. What question am I supposed to start with here? What am I supposed to do in a situation like this? Christian is still looking at me, waiting for my questions.

''How long,'' I take a deep breath before continuing, ''how long after we broke up?''

''End of the summer,'' he says and doesn't say more about that. He told me if I had questions I should ask him, but I expect more than yes or no answers. But he doesn't want to elaborate. I'm not going to push, I know he'll tell me when he's ready, but I'm still curious.

''Okay,'' I say, ''you had just turned 17 and you and her were in a sexual relationship.'' He nods, ''I know you were over the consenting age and all that… but was or is she a pedophile?'' He looks shocked by my question.

''Ana!_ No_, of course not, it wasn't like that,'' he looks away and stare up at the ceiling, and sighs.

''She used you Christian,'' I say softly as if I'm speaking to a child, he shakes his head. ''How do you know, that she didn't have other boys younger than you?'' He doesn't answer. He doesn't want to talk about it, is he thinking over what I said or doesn't he see what they did as something wrong? ''Okay, how long did you… whatever you did, when did it end, why did it end?''

''Around 2 years later, when her husband walked in on us'' I can't believe what I'm hearing. I stand up and start to walk out of his room, who is this guy? What has he become? He leaps out of the bed after me, and grabs my wrist when I'm outside his bedroom.

''Where are you going?'' He asks, with a worried and scared look. ''Don't leave Anastasia, that's not me, not anymore. I want to change, I want to change with…you.'' He looks terrified, as if I might leave him forever. I shake my head to try and clear my head.

''I don't know you,'' I whisper, and he hugs me tight to his bare chest.

''You know me… you know me better than anyone, I trust you, I can talk to you and I can tell you things. I could never have that with anyone else, I don't want it with anyone else.''

''But I don't know you, I don't… How can you act so calm? How can you shrug things off that easily? What if it was _me_, what if I told you I had been in a rough sexual relationship with one of my dad's friends, how would you react?'' He tenses up a bit, ''what if he whipped me, or flogged me or whatever the hell that woman did to you, how would that make you feel?''

''Sick, disgusted, it's unimaginable. You're mine, Ana. You have always been mine, no one else can have you, I won't let anyone hurt you or touch you.'' He holds me tighter, ''you'll always be mine,'' he whispers.

''But _you're_ not mine,'' I whisper back, tears welling up in my eyes. He lets go of the arms that where around me, but doesn't turn away from me, neither do I. We stand there staring at each other, with blank faces. Christian falls to his knees and starts to cry, and I get down on the floor too.

''Do you want to… I mean… do you want _me_ to be _yours_?'' He looks into my eyes. His eyes are hopeful, scared, sad, terrified. I think over what he asked me a while, not knowing what to say.

''I don't know,'' I whisper, and he closes his eyes, with a pained look on his face, he sighs.

''I don't want to leave like this,'' he whispers. ''Please come back to bed, can we please just forget about this until I come back home? I can't leave knowing you're disgusted by me.''

''No! No I'm not, I… it's just that… oh… I'm confused Christian, this'' I say waving my hand around his enormous apartment, ''is too much for me.''

''Come to bed, please?'' he pleads with me, and I give in. We get back under the covers and Christian doesn't let go of me. ''I'm so sorry,'' he whispers into my hair ''for everything I've ever done to you, but I'm in love with you, and I can't let you go.

''I know that you see what happened between Elena and me as something horrible, and looking through your eyes I can see that too. But she helped me; you need to understand that Anastasia, she _helped_ me. I don't dare to think over where I could've been now if the things that happened didn't happen. I can't imagine what kind of father I could ever be to Teddy if it turned out differently. I was on a death path.'' Christian is spooning me, so I'm not looking at him. He holds me tight to his chest, and tears stream lightly down my face as he continues. ''She got me back on the right track, she made rules I had to obey, and it's because I obeyed her I am where I am.

''That whole summer, I was never hung over because I continued to drink and drink until I passed out, and when I woke up I found more to drink. My parents tried all they could to hide the alcohol from me, but they didn't know about my stash… They flew Elliot home, hoping it would help, it didn't… I couldn't talk to anyone about it, no one would understand. No one knew about us, and I couldn't start with 'Hey mom, remember that girl who tutored me? Well I fell in love with her, got her pregnant, and chased her away.' I was all alone in this world, I had no one.'' I'm trying my best not sob, because I don't want to interrupt him, I need to hear this as much as he needs to tell this.

''Elena kept telling me that it wasn't odd that no one loved me, because in her world there was no such thing as love. But no matter how much she tried to make me think that, I continued loving you… When I'm with you, I feel whole, I feel worthy, and I believe I could be the man for you if you let me try… Tell me what you want from me, what do I need to do?''

''There's nothing you can do Christian,'' I whisper and turn around facing him; he also has tears in his eyes. ''I need time; I think this time apart might be good for us. I need to see how my life is without you, I need to know if I'm happier with or without you.''

He nods, and we lay like that staring at each other forever, just looking in each other eyes, in each other souls as we slowly drift off.

**CPOV**

I don't fall asleep; I just lay there with Ana in my arms listening to her calming breathing. This time apart won't be good for us, I don't feel like it will be good for any of us, but I need to go. What if she decides she is happier without me, will she continue to live here or will she get a place and a job and start a new life where I just am her son's father?

No, I don't want to let her slip through my fingers again, and if she decides she's happier without me, I need to show her that she's not. I need to show her I can be who I used to be, I need to show her that _that_ person isn't gone, that she brings me back to that happy place before it all went to hell. I need to show her that I can be the best father that Teddy could ever have. But right now I can't push her.

5 days, how am I supposed to survive 5 days without seeing them, I will call them as often as I can but it's not enough. Sure I can Skype them and look at them, but I need to hold my wonderful baby boy, my beautiful girl, but I can't.

A month ago I didn't even know I was a father, I didn't want to be one, now I can't stand to leave my 4 year old boy. Not hearing his contagious happy belly laugh, or the ludicrous things he says. I can't stand to stay away from his mother, to not being able to see the look of love and adoration when she looks at our son. I love them both so much that it hurts, the love I feel for them are painful, and I won't survive without them.

I can't believe I sent Ana away all those years ago when she told me she was pregnant. Well yes I can believe that, because at the time it felt like the right thing to do. I can't believe the rage I felt when I learned that she kept it; I can't believe all the things going through my mind all bad words I wanted to shout at her. I wanted to ask her how she could be so stupid, what the fuck went through her head when she made that stupid decision to not have the abortion. Then I saw him, this little tiny version of me, and I have loved him ever since. After the first look he gave me, when he looked at me with his beautiful blue eyes, I forgave Ana and thanked God that she didn't listen to me.

If Ana needs time, then I will give her time. It will kill me, but I'll give her all the time she needs as long as she finds her way back to me. She needs to find her way back to me, she's mine, there is only one way for her to go, and that's towards me. Because I know, even if she doesn't know it yet, I know that I am her happy ending. I can picture my life with her; I can picture us having more children, I _can't_ picture my life without her.

I look at the clock and it's almost 5 am, I turn off the alarm so it doesn't wake Ana up, and I untangle our bodies and head for the shower. When I untangle our feet's, she turned slightly but she didn't wake up. I take a long hot shower, trying to forget the week from hell that is in front of me, the week away from my family. 5 days, I'll survive 5 days, and then I'm back where I belong. It'll be fine.

I get dressed, collect everything I need to have with me and eat some left over that Ana has made, now it's time for the goodbyes. It's almost 6am; I'm meeting Ros at GEH 7am, so I can take my time with the goodbyes. I head off to my bedroom first to say goodbye to Ana.

I walk in and she's still in the same position she was when I got dressed, her lips slightly parted and her hair all over her pillow. She looks stunning, pure perfection. I walk over to her side of the bed, and lean down and kiss her parted lips. I give her a few kisses on her non responding lips, then she starts to stir a little, and her lips quirk up at the sides. I sit back up, looking at her still asleep face, trying to memorize the peaceful look on her face. But decides it's easier to take a picture, so I do.

I lean back down nuzzling my nose down her hers. ''Baby,'' I whisper, ''I'm going now.'' She slowly opens her eyes looking a bit confused; then she sees me dressed and sits up. ''I'll call as often as I can, and Skype and text and email and…''

''_And_…'' she erupts me ''I will answer whatever method you use to contact us.'' She smiles, and I can't help it, I won't help it, I need to kiss her. I lean in slowly so she knows what I'm doing, and she has the chance to lean away if she doesn't want me to kiss her. But she doesn't, she meets me halfway, so I'm surprised when our lips meet faster than I assumed.

I have no idea how long we sit like this, going way past the point of kissing, and is now making out. It feels like we've been doing it for a long time, and I don't care, I want to stay like this forever, I won't ever get tired of kissing her of tasting her of being with her. If I could I would take things further now. But I can't, because I need to say goodbye to Teddy before I leave in 30 minutes, and the next time Ana and I have sex we need a lot more than 30 minutes. But I can't take things further also because of her miscarriage, I haven't asked her but I looked up online and she can't have sex as long as she's bleeding which can take up to a couple of weeks to stop.

We break our contact, both of us breathing heavy, and looking at each other with lustful eyes. I can see that she's just as affected by me as I am of her, and when I get back I'll make her see that. Her lips are swollen, and I'm sure mine are too. I lean my forehead against hers.

''I don't want to leave,'' I whisper. ''God I'm gonna miss you so much,'' I say and hug her tightly and she hugs me back. ''I need to say goodbye to our son before I go, go back to sleep. I'll call as soon as I land in Portland.''

''Land?'' she asks, frowning at me.

''Yeah… we're taking my helicopter, didn't I tell you I had one?'' I meant to tell her, maybe it slipped my mind.

''Of course you have, and I'm assuming you're flying?'' she asks, and I nod. She sighs and shake her head ''over achiever'' she mutters under her breath. And I can't help the laugh that escapes. ''I'll miss you too,'' she smiles, and my heart already ache of missing her. I kiss her sweetly, softer this time.

''I love you,'' I whisper against her lips. She doesn't answer. I'm wondering if she regrets saying it back a couple of nights ago. I loved hearing her say those words, but I know she was almost asleep when she said it, so I'm not sure if she meant it. I lean away and smile at her, not showing that her not saying it back doesn't hurt like hell. I give her one last chaste kiss, and tell her to go back to sleep.

I make my way over to Teddy's bedroom, and I can't stop laughing when I see how he's sleeping. He is spread all over his bed, and from where I'm standing I can't see his head, it looks like he doesn't have a head, god that will hurt later; it hurts just by looking at it. Is he laying on his head? I sit down beside him, where it's room for me to sit on his bed. I shake him lightly, and he mumbles a few words, but doesn't wake. I uncover his feet, and run my finger up and down his bare feet, and he starts to giggle.

''Hi buddy,'' I say and go back up the sit where I sat. He's still sleepy, and rubs his eyes. ''Daddy is going away for a little while,'' I say and his eyes widen. ''I'll come back, daddy just needs to work,'' he nods ''I'll call you okay?'' he nods again. ''I'm gonna miss you,'' I say. And he hugs me tight.

''Please don't go daddy, I don't want you to never come back.'' I lean back to look at his face, and he almost starts to cry.

''I'll never leave you Teddy, I will always come back to you, you know why?'' I ask and he shakes his head. ''Because I love you very much, and you're my little boy,'' he smiles and hugs me again.

''I love you too daddy,'' that's the first time he's ever said those words to me, and it makes me so darn happy. ''But dad, I'm not little,'' he mumbles. I laugh and shake my head.

''I guess you're not, but you'll always be my little buddy,'' I say and give him a sloppy kiss on his cheek, which he tries to clean off. ''Hey! You're not too old for kisses, are you?'' I pout at him; he laughs and gives me a kiss back on my cheek.

''I'll miss you,'' I say and he says it back as he hugs me again, his arms not reaching around me. ''I have to go now.''

''Okay,'' he mutters, not looking to happy. So I lean down to whisper something in his ear.

''Maybe I'll buy you a present while I'm away?'' his face lights up, asking me 'what, what?' over and over again. ''Wait and see,'' I say as I head towards the door.

''Come home soon daddy,'' he says, and I look back at him.

''I promise I'll be home as soon as I can.'' I smile, and walk to the elevators.


	19. Chapter 19

**APOV (Monday)**

Both Saturday and Sunday didn't Teddy and I do anything other than play and watch movies. We had a nice relaxing weekend, the two of us. We went to the grocery store once, other than that we spent the time in the apartment. Teddy bathed in Christian's massive bathtub, if I filled the whole bathtub up Teddy could probably take a few lapses. It is that _big._

Christian has called in between his meetings. I barely get the word ''Hi'' out before Teddy grabs the phone out of hands, and starts to rant on and on about things. The only time I get to talk to Christian, is when Teddy is in bed, and we have also texted a few times at night. We've Skyped twice, one time on my phone, which didn't work out because Teddy ran away with my phone. And the second time on one of Christian's many computers. Where Teddy stills try to push me away from the screen, wanting privacy with his dad. Christian finds that hysterical, which in return makes Teddy think its fun to continue doing it.

So far, things are going great. Grace called me last night and invited Teddy and I to lunch, since she got the feeling from Christian that we were lonely. And Mia called only 5 minutes later and told me since we're so lonely, we can go shopping Tuesday, when she's done with school. Well I'm not lonely, but it'll be great spending some time with the Grey's, and get to know them better.

Teddy and I have slept in Christian's bed, these past few nights. I never understood the saying 'sleeping on a cloud' before I slept in his bed. Plus his bed is really big, which good because when Teddy is asleep, he spreads out all over the bed. He always has, and he finds the weirdest sleeping positions ever. Sometimes you just stand stare at him and you can't figure out if it's really his body parts you see, or if there is someone else there. You would think, he would be sore from his positions in the mornings, but he never complains about it.

These last 2 days, I've done some serious thinking about, Christian, about me, and about Christian and me. The only thing holding me back is his previous lifestyle, I don't get it and I don't know what it is. I really want to go online to research it, but I'm trusting Christian to tell me the truth when I ask him. I have all these ''what if'' thoughts going through my head, if only he didn't have the BDSM aspect of his life, I wouldn't doubt my love for him.

He loves me, I love him shouldn't it just be that simple? Well it's not; I need to think what's best for all of us, for the three of us. What if things go wrong, what if he figures out after a year or two, that there really isn't anything to pursue between us. That will also affect Teddy. What if Christian thinks he can live without doing to woman what he used to, but then he gets the need to do it? I would never let him take that out on my body, and if he ever ends up cheating I'll leave, I won't even think twice about it. It's all so confusing, and yeah I should take risks here in life, but I have a 4 year old to consider here as well, it's not that simple.

Teddy and I are meeting Grace at the hospital, and we're going to lunch at noon. Grace is a sweet lady, and she's easy to talk with so I think that will go fine, plus she's probably more interested in Teddy. The shopping tomorrow with Mia, I'm a bit nervous about. Christian has warned me that she's pretty much a spoiled brat, which I don't believe, I know he loves his little sister. But she has grown up with getting things left and right, and she might think we're on the same budget, which we're not.

I don't like buying things for me; I always end up with buying stuff for Teddy and only the necessary for myself. I don't need 10 pair shoes; if I'm only going to use 4, why buy 10? Well tomorrow will be interesting. Christian insisted on giving me money for it, but I won't let him pay for things I buy for myself, I'm not poor.

Teddy and I get dressed, and we make our way down to the parking garage. Christian has always been the one driving us places, so it's a little while since I used my new car. We drive to the hospital, where we meet Grace and we walk a little bit to a nice little café, close to the hospital. When we arrived at the hospital Teddy thought he was going to play, in the play area where the children of the staff play, he was a bit disappointed that he wasn't. I guess Teddy misses being with other children his age or just children in general. I'll have to see if I can do something about that. Maybe discuss it with Christian.

We order food and drinks, and just small talk to begin with. ''So what are you doing these days?'' Grace asks, as she sips on her glass of water.

''Right now, I'm just at home with Teddy, and I love that. But I feel like I have to use my college degree on something, it's something I need to do.'' I need to do it for my dad, since he believed in me. I don't want to have that feeling that all those years will go to waste because I don't know what to do. My dad put his life on hold, for me and Teddy.

''What was your major?''

''English lit,'' she nods, ''it's just that… well my dad he sacrificed so much for me… he stayed home and he raised Teddy just to give me the chance to go to college, I owe it to him to use the degree.''

''Christian told us about your father, I'm sorry for your loss.'' She takes my hand and squeezes it lightly while giving me a smile. I look down at Teddy who is fiddling with the menu.

''It's okay, he's in a better place now. He lived a wonderful life, he had no regrets.'' I smile, remembering our last conversation where he told he didn't want to go back in time and do anything different.

''I wish I could've met him, he's obviously done a terrific job with raising Teddy.'' She says, and messes with Teddy's hair, and he looks up and gives her grin. ''And you,'' she adds with another smile.

''You would've liked him, he was just a person you couldn't help but like.'' He's the best father I could've ever ask for, and he loved me as if I was his own daughter, not step daughter. He never made me feel like we weren't related.

''I was wondering,'' Grace starts, ''I feel stupid for asking this, but we sort of don't know the basics about Teddy's start in life.'' She says while digging around in her salad. I finish chewing on the piece I had in my mouth, and take a sip of water.

''Of course, I didn't even think about that… Well I got pregnant late April, and Teddy was born February 14th with an emergency caesarian.'' She looks concerned so I add, ''everything was fine,'' I lie ''they were just worried because I had been in labor for a long time. But Teddy and I are both fine.''

That day is a day I'll never forget, of course one of the reasons are that I got to meet my son for the first time ever, but when they needed my blood sample, and I got an IV inserted and a catheter, and then I got rolled to into the operating room. I've never been more stressed out in my entire life, but after the worst parts were all done and being able to lie there holding my beautiful baby boy, it was all worth it.

I'm jerked out of my thoughts, when Grace suddenly stands up and greet someone. I look up and there's a lady standing there, with shoulder length blonde hair and she looks like she's around Grace's age. I also stand up to say hello, were we expecting her?

''Ana,'' Grace says ''this is one of my dearest friends Elena.'' I feel all hair on my body start to stand, and I get a sick feeling inside me, the feeling is indescribable it's just something's telling me that the woman in front of me should I be aware of. ''Elena, this lovely young lady is Ana. And this,'' she gestures towards Teddy ''is my grandson, Theodore.'' I try to give her a smile while she exchanges her hand to me.

''Ehm… nice to meet you… Teddy we should probably go to the restroom, ehm… I'll be right back.'' I say to both of them, and then I take Teddy by the hand and walk towards the restroom. We walk into a handicap toilet, and I close the lid and place Teddy on it. ''Just, sit there for a while,'' I say and start to pace the length of the room.

It's okay Ana, it will all be fine. Just go out there, smile and pretend nothing's wrong. Sure, yes I can do that. Except something is terribly wrong, that's the woman who molested, for lack of a better word, Christian. She did unthinkable things to the man I love, told him lies about being unworthy of love. She turned Christian into a sadistic monster, maybe he's not that anymore, but what else am I supposed to think?

Grace's lunch hour is surely soon over, I can sit there acting for a few minutes that, that bitch doesn't affect me. The worst part is that, she's beautiful. She's fucking beautiful, and all along I pictured a troll of a woman. Sure her face is full of Botox, but she's not ugly. Okay, I'm going to walk right out there, with my head held high and ignore her; I'm here with Grace, not her.

We walk out of the restroom and walk toward our table, and there she sits, beside Grace, looking through the menu. We sit down, and I smile at both of them.

''I hope you don't mind I invited Elena to join us.'' I smile, and try my best to tell her of course not, even though I want to grab Teddy and run out the door. We sit there for a while, small talking. Elena is looking over at me a few times, with a look of… disgust? Well she doesn't seem impressed by me, and she looks displeased. My phone rings, and I know it's Christian. Thank god, I need to hear his voice right now.

''Daddy!'' Teddy grabs my phone before I can answer it, and start to have his conversation with Christian. I sit there looking at Teddy's happy face while he tells his father about his day so far. After a few minutes Teddy gives the phone to me.

''Christian?'' I ask, not sure if he's hung up or what he has.

''Hey baby,'' I let out a breath, ''you okay?'' No I'm not okay, you're mistress is sitting right in front of me trying to kill me with her stare. I so badly want to tell him that no, things aren't okay at the moment. But he probably doesn't have time for that now.

''Yes I'm fine, I'm… everything is fine, you?'' I feel uncomfortable sitting here talking with him, while Grace and Elena is looking at me, so I stand up to walk outside to get some privacy. I realize I haven't heard what Christian just told me. ''I miss you,'' I say when he's done talking.

''I miss you too, baby'' I can hear his smile, and I want him here now. I want him to come and take Teddy and me away from that horrible woman, I want him to hold me and tell me that he's changed. He has told me so many times, but now I'm ready to listen, I'm ready to believe. I hear someone's voice in the background, and Christian sighs. ''I'm sorry baby, I have to go now. I'll call as soon as I can. I love you Ana'' I'm about to say I love you too, but end up with saying it after he has hung up. I want to scream out in frustration, I don't want to go back inside, to _her_. I think it's time for Teddy and I to head back to Escala. I get back inside, and I sit down smiling at them.

''How is he?'' Grace asks, and Elena purses her lips and raise an eyebrow, surely a move she thinks look good on her. It doesn't. I wonder if it hurts to have so much Botox inserted in your face, and the Resatylane in her lips.

''He's fine,'' I say, ''it isn't that often I get to talk to him, because of this little man,'' I say and look at Teddy, who looks up at me with a cute evil smile. Grace chuckles, and again Elena or _the bitch_ looks unimpressed. Graces excuses herself so Teddy and I are left alone with _her_.

''What are you playing at?'' She asks when we no longer can see Grace. I look down at Teddy but he's not paying attention. ''That's not his _son_… what is it you want? _Money?_'' I frown at her. First off I'm not interested in his money, I could care less and she can't be serious one look at Teddy and you can see who his father is. She continues when I don't answer, ''you see little girl, he lost his virginity to me. There's no way he could've gotten you_ pregnant_ at _16_.'' She says the word pregnant with disgust. ''Next time he calls me,'' she looks down at her watch and smile, ''which will be anytime now.'' she smirks, ''I'm going to get him to open his eyes, and get him to ask for a paternity test.'' She leans towards me and whisper ''I won't let a whore like you, ruin his life.''

That makes me click, and I lean also forward so that we're face to face and whisper back. ''I would never whip, spank, flog or tie a child for my sexual pleasure. Don't you talk to me about ruining someone's life, if anyone has ruined him, it's _you._'' She looks shocked for a moment, and then her smirk is back. ''And don't you ever call me a whore.''

''What's going on?'' I turn my head and see Grace; I immediately lean back and gather mine and Teddy's stuff.

''I'm sorry Grace, I… it's not my story to tell, I should go.'' She doesn't try to make me stay. As I gather my jacket and purse and take Teddy's shoes back on, Grace keeps her gaze at her friend. Grace leans down and gives Teddy a hug, and does the same to me. And we leave.

I can't get the picture of that woman out of my head; I don't know how to describe her. She sort of looked like an old and tired version of Jessica Simpson, somehow. But_ very_ old and _very _tired. When I first saw her, I thought she looked pretty, but when I sat back down at our table and got a really good look at her, I didn't see her beauty anymore. She ruins it by her smirk and pouted lips and one high raised eyebrow. I wonder how she and Grace became friends, how they got to know each other.

And the clothes on that woman, at least 2 sizes too small. I'm surprised Teddy didn't make a comment about her breast that nearly popped over her tight black top. I don't know why a woman would dress like that. That's the furthest you get from dress to impress. It was nothing impressing about the way she dressed, and it didn't do her curves any favors.

I put Teddy to bed a few hours ago, but I couldn't fall asleep. So I'm sitting snuggled up in a blanket with a cup of tea on the balcony. Looking out over the lit up Seattle, its beautiful place and view is amazing. Christian hasn't called again; maybe he fell asleep after his last meeting. He called right before I put Teddy to bed, and said he would call when his last meeting for the day wrapped up, but he hasn't. He's busy man, and he needs rest so I don't blame him.

***I met her.**

I text him, and I immediately regret it, why would I send that text? I wanted to but I didn't mean to send it to him, I planned to talk to him about when he called.

**-Who?**

He immediately texts back.

***Your Mrs. Robinson**

Then he calls me.

''What are you talking about?'' he asks, as I answer the phone. He seems tired and grumpy and just not in the mood.

''Your mom's friend who happen to be your special friend to'' I say.

''Elena?'' he pauses for a few seconds ''how? How the fuck did you meet her?'' he half shouts half slurs.

''Have you been drinking?'' I ask, and he growls.

''Tell me Anastasia, how the fuck did you meet her?!'' Christian has talked to me many ways, but he has never used that voice with me before. He sounds so angry, and I want to hide. I'm so glad that he's far away. It's the first time since he left that I'm glad for that.

''Don't yell,'' I say as calmly as I can manage. ''The lunch date you sat up with your mother, she joined us.'' He mutters fuck a few times, before he calms himself down.

''I'm sorry I yelled at you, baby…'' he lets out a breath. ''Ana, I want you to stay away from her, she's no good. Please tell me she didn't say anything inappropriate to you… to Teddy?''

''Nothing I couldn't handle… Christian,'' I sigh ''you need to tell your mother.''

''What?'' he whispers.

''I don't want Teddy to be over at your parents house without one of us there, if it's a chance she might be there. I mean it Christian; I don't want her anywhere near our son. Well she doesn't believe it's your son… What happened with you wasn't your fault, Grace will understand, you were a child you have nothing to be embarrassed about.''

''…''


	20. Chapter 20

''_I don't want Teddy to be over at your parents house without one of us there, if it's a chance she might be there. I mean it Christian; I don't want her anywhere near our son. Well she doesn't believe it's your son… What happened with you wasn't your fault, Grace will understand, you were a child you have nothing to be embarrassed about.''_

''Then why do I feel so ashamed?'' He asks in a whisper, and my heart breaks for him. This man that had things that shouldn't happen to him, happen. Things that make him think less of him. A grown woman seduced him, she's at fault she should be ashamed, Christian was just a teenage boy and the things that happened to him, was nothing he could control.

''That's because she made you feel that way, she made you think that you wanted it… god Christian… don't you see, she did you nothing good. I heard what you said about her helping you, and maybe she did, but the way she did it was wrong. She used you, and made you the way she wanted you… I know that you would somehow have picked yourself up, and you would've gotten better. Remember you told me about your birth mom? And how you wouldn't ever want to end up like that, remember?'' He's quiet and all I hear is his breathing. ''I remember that, it meant so much to me when you opened up that part of yourself… I know that at one point you would've snapped out of it, because you're a strong person Christian, you're amazing. Teddy thinks so, I think so and everyone else who knows you thinks that… And if you want me to be with you while you tell them, I will be. I'll be there for you whenever you need me.''

There's a long silence and I wonder if he hung up on me or maybe fell asleep. I sit there waiting for his response, but I'm met with a complete silence. Did I step over the line?

''How did I get so lucky to meet you?'' Christian asks, and I smile. ''How did I get so lucky to have a child with you, to love you? Are you even real? You're amazing Ana, truly amazing.'' He whispers the last part. ''I can't wait to come home to you, to hold you. God I love you so much Ana.'' Now would be a good time saying it back, but I don't want to tell him over the phone. I want to tell him when he can answer with one of his amazing kisses. I miss his amazing kisses; I miss the feel of his lips on mine.

''Hmmm,'' I breath out and get a smile on my face. Suddenly that feeling of unease I had before disappeared. All I needed was to hear Christian say those words to me, that's all I ever need. I need him, and I want him. We can get past his past; I'm more interested in _our_ future.

''I wish I was there with you now, just holding you, and cuddle you… hell I don't do cuddling, but I love it with you. I love watching you, I love kissing you, I love you.'' He lets out a soft chuckle. ''Was that too much?''

''No it was perfect, just like you.'' I sigh when I see it's over midnight. ''I should get some rest, I need to be rested for a shopping day with your sister.'' He laughs, a tired and breathy laugh, but still a beautiful laugh.

''I wish you would let me pay for you, please let me pay I want to treat you.'' I stand up to leave the balcony and get ready for bed.

''No Christian, I have money. But if I go over my budget and find something nice, I'll buy it, deal?'' There's really nothing I need, or want for that matter. But I want to spend the time with Christian's sister; I wouldn't have asked her if I didn't. I've met Mia one time before, I think she was around 9 maybe 8 years old, and she hung around Christian all the time. Every time he tried to shake her off, she just continued walking behind us until we left the house. She was a cute little thing, and now she's so pretty.

''Deal, I'll take it. Please buy over your budget; I really want you to buy you something nice. I wish I was there and could buy it for you; we have to do that another time.'' He sounds happy and hopeful.

''Okay Christian, you buy stuff for me, and I'll buy stuff for you. Plus Christian you bought me a car, how much money do you want to spend on me?''

''All of it…'' he whispers ''what are you doing now?'' He asks, and I'm not going to play that game with him, considering I'm in the bathroom in the master bedroom where Teddy is sleeping, plus I wouldn't know what to say in a situation like this, when I think about it I get embarrassed.

''Something really sexy,'' I lie and I hear his breathing changing, I have to suppress a giggle.

''Yeah?''

''Mmmhmm… I'm brushing my teeth.'' He sighs and I can't help the giggle that escapes.

''That is sexy, I wish I could see it, I wish I could see you both… you and Teddy I mean, not you and your toothbrush.'' I go back to the bedroom, and I sit down beside Teddy, running my fingers through his soft hair. Teddy is a heavy sleeper so it doesn't wake him up.

''We wish that too,'' I whisper ''he really misses you. I'm glad you have bonded over the weeks, and I'm happy that he finally has a daddy, you know he always wanted one.''

''And I always wanted him, I was just too stupid to know it at the time. I appreciate you giving me a chance so, so much Anastasia,'' it isn't often he calls me by my full name, but I love it when he does, unless he's mad. ''I wish I could go back in time so much… don't comment Ana… I wish I could see what not being with you would do to me. I really believe I would've been a bad dad, even though I thought I was, I wasn't mature, and I wouldn't be any good for Teddy. But now, now I'm turning into this other person because of him, in the beginning it was scary but now I love what he's doing to me.''

''You're amazing Christian, I wish you could see yourself through Teddy's eyes, he adores you. And I can see the change you have on him too, I realize what I did was wrong and I'm sorry.'' I look at Teddy who is sleeping with his mouth slightly open, and making small grunting huffs, the same noises I've noticed Christian makes.

''You did the right thing Ana, thank you.'' I look over at the clock it's almost 1am already, he must be exhausted after all his meetings.

''He's kind of perfect don't you think?'' I ask, while lying down on my pillow and taking the cover up to my neck.

''He is,'' Christian agrees, ''we made him Ana… you and me, together'' he whispers, and I grin a goofy smile. Thinking about that we did make him, Christian and I, back when we thought life was easy and our only worry was about school.

''We did… I'm falling Christian,'' I whisper not able to keep my eyes open.

''I'll catch you every time… I know what you mean baby, go to sleep. I'll call again tomorrow, I love you.'' he whisper the last part, and I nearly can't hear him say it. Then I fall asleep.

''OMG Ana, you have to buy that.'' Mia squeals as she holds up a red lace lingerie set, ''plus red is Christian's favorite color.'' Well that I've noticed, thinking back to when he showed me _that_ room. She hands me the set and I inspect it, and surprisingly she found it in my size.

We've been walking around forever, Mia wanting me to try on everything she finds. I'll admit she has a good sense for fashion, but every time I turn around in the dressing room looking at what I'm wearing, it's never me, I'm not that kind of girl. No one has ever commented that I don't dress okay, so I've never changed the way I dress. Maybe a change is what I need.

''Why would I buy this for Christian's pleasure?'' I ask and she gives me a 'come on' look. ''You know it's your _brother_ you're talking about, _right?''_ It only takes seconds before she has a look of disgust on her face.

''You're right, you definitely don't want this, besides Christian hates red,'' she grabs the set from my hands and put it back. I laugh, and look over to see where Teddy went. He's standing and looking at bras as if they were aliens, with a look of wonder and confusion. ''Let's get something to eat… are you hungry Teddy?'' She takes Teddy hand and leads him out of the store.

Mia and Teddy look really cute together, like she's his big sister. There's only 9 years between them, so they could be, well Teddy and I could also be siblings and some people have mistaken me for his sister. That bothered me before, but now as I'm getting older I don't really care. I love being a mother, it doesn't matter if I was 17 or 37 when I had him, there's nothing like the love you have for your own child.

As soon as we've seated ourselves at a little café, my phone rings. ''Daddy!'' Teddy squeals and doesn't even wait this time for me to fish it out of my purse. Teddy grabs my purse and dig trough it looking for the phone. ''Hi, daddy,'' I can weakly hear Christian's voice, and it makes me smile. Mia is looking at Teddy with awe. ''You are? Really?'' he listens for a few seconds, ''okay.'' He looks at the phone glancing at the picture I took of the two of them when they were playing in the living room.

''Daddy wants to talk with you.'' he lays the phone down beside me and starts talking to Mia.

''Hello'' I say as I get up to get some privacy. I can hear him closing a door and I guess he's alone too.

''Hey baby,'' I smile, I really can't help it, and I feel my cheeks blush lightly. ''I'm coming home, baby. I miss my boy and his beautiful mother too much.''

''You're coming home?'' I ask, excited. ''I miss you too, and so does Teddy. But I thought you weren't coming home until tomorrow?''

''Well change of plans, I'm coming home to you… and Teddy of course.'' He adds quickly. I don't care if he comes home to drink out of his favorite mug; as long as he's coming home I'm happy. I get this need to air pump my fist in the air, but stop myself as I look around at all the people. ''We're flying in 2 hours, so it won't be too long till I'm home.''

''I'll have dinner ready,'' I say ''I'll make your favorite.'' He chuckles.

''I won't say no to that, I have to go now. I love you.'' He hang up before I can say it back, that's the third time he's done that, doesn't he want me to say it back, or does it hurt him and he thinks I won't say it back? Well I love him, and I'm going to continue saying that in my head until I can say it to him.

After ending up with buying 2 dresses for me, and a top I really liked, many outfits for Teddy and a little something for Christian, I didn't buy while Mia and Teddy were around. Mia was right, Christian would love the red lingerie set, so I went back and bought it, I bought the same in white and black too. But we were finally done after 4 hours, I don't know what normal shopping time for someone is, but for me I don't need to stay any longer after I've found what I was looking for.

It was fun, and both Teddy and I loved spending the time with Mia. She's so funny and always made Teddy laugh, it was a good day, and I want to do it again someday. Ever since we dropped Mia off at her house, Teddy hasn't stopped talking about his auntie.

It was always Teddy, Ray and me, and now he has this really big family. I'm wondering if that overwhelms him sometimes, he seems like he loves it, but he's not used to having so many people around all the time. And he's not used to having the money the Grey's have spent on him, he always get's something new, and I'm afraid they'll end up spoiling him. Well I feel like I can't say anything against it, because they have 4 years to catch up, 4 birthdays and 3 Christmases.

I don't want to think about that, what happened happen, the good thing is that now they have their nephew and grandson, and they can get to know him better, and him them. I love watching Teddy interact with Christian's family, to see that it didn't take long time until he started loving them.

Teddy is now sitting on the kitchen island drawing while I'm working on the dinner. I want to make everything prefect. It's now 6pm and if Christian left around the time he said he was going to leave he will be here in a little over an hour. Teddy is _way_ beyond excited, and keeps guessing what his daddy has bought him.

Teddy is sitting and lowly singing while in his own world. The dinner is ready and Christian should only be a few minutes away, I feel myself start getting giddy, and I'm ready to see him again. It feels like weeks since I've seen him, days since I talked to him, even though it's only been a few hours.

''Teddy, help mommy set the table,'' I say as I start to clear off the dining room table. I've never been a neat freak and seemed to always place stuff everywhere, I like having it clean but I don't need to have it nice 24/7.

''Mmmhmm'' Teddy says and jumps of the bar stool he was sitting on and walks over to me, waiting on me to give him stuff to place it on the table. ''There'' he says with a big smile when we're done. ''I made this for daddy, do you think he'll like it?'' I look at the picture of what I assume are Teddy and Christian playing football, it's sweet.

''I think he'll love it,'' I say and Teddy grins happily and puts the drawing down on what has become Christian's place by the table. We take our seats and wait for Christian to arrive. Teddy keeps looking from me to the elevator.

After maybe half an hour I start to worry, and Teddy is getting impatient. Maybe he didn't have the chance to leave when he thought he would. But wouldn't he have called or texted then? I'm sure everything is fine; he just maybe ran out of gas when he drove from GEH to here, and everything is just fine.

''Teddy why don't you go play a little bit, and I'll try calling daddy,'' I say and take the food to the kitchen ready to reheat it when he gets home. He's just a bit late; people are late all the time.

I've been trying to reach Christian for almost an hour, and I'm way beyond nervous and scared. I've left at least a dozen voice messages, all asking him to please call me. I'm trying to keep a brave face on every time Teddy walks out of his room asking if Christian's home yet. But I feel like I'm failing, I'm not brave, and I need Christian.

My phone rings, and I immediately feel relived. Thank goodness he's okay. ''Christian, hi,'' I breath out, just wanting to hear his voice, to hear him call me baby. The first time he called me that I blushed a really dark shade of red, and Christian couldn't stop telling me how cute I was and he kissed my cheek until they got an even darker shade of red. That was before anything happened between us, and I didn't at the time know how to read the situation.

''Ana, it's Elliot.'' I take a look at the phone and see an unknown number. Why did I assume it was Christian, why did I need to get my hopes up, why did Elliot have to say ''Christian is missing.''


	21. Chapter 21

**APOV**

''Ana I need you to listen to me,'' Elliot continues right after he tells me that Christian is missing. ''Our dad is trying to get information about what's going on, but there is no sign of _Charlie Tango_.'' My world stops, and I'm not sure if I'm breathing or not. ''We are all coming over, is that okay?''

''Ehm… um… well… I… I suppose so,'' I'm fighting my tears, this isn't happening. In a second Elliot is going to call me up again, tell me that this was all a prank and Christian will walk into the apartment, any moment. I'm sure of it, that's what's going to happen.

After a few minutes standing shocked still with my phone in my hand, there's a ping at the elevator arriving. _Christian! _He's home, thank god he's home.

My world stops even more, if that's possible, when I see the Grey clan all in tears. I finally understand that this is happening; it's as real as it can get. Christian is really missing.

Mia pushes the others away and runs over and hugs me tight. Why? Why is all this happening to me, why all at once, what have I done to deserve this? First I learnt about my dad's illness then the whole mess with Christian entering back in our lives, then my father's death, Christian's lifestyle, the miscarriage and now this, am I suppose to survive all this? Is it all a test, to see when I'll break down for real, to see when I click?

Teddy, my sweet little boy, who just got to know his dad, got to spend time with him for the first time, have now maybe lost him forever. Teddy might've lost his dad. Christian was so good calling when he was away; he called in between meetings, at night, in the morning. He called as often as he could, and he often texted me while he was in his meetings. Why didn't he call before he left Portland, he should've called me, called Teddy, at least talked to us.

He loves me and I can't count on 2 hands how often he has told me that, and I've been a coward not saying it back. It's not like I hadn't said it to him before. It's not like I don't love him, because I love him more than life itself, he made his way into my heart and now, now he's gone. What if I never get to tell him how I feel, to say those 3 magical words to him?

Mia and I lean on each other as we stumble towards the couch to sit down, before we fall over. Grace is beside herself, and I've never seen anyone more heartbroken. Carrick walks past us right into Christian office, looking angry, confused and scared, while talking in the phone. Elliot looks worried and torn between supporting his family or be with Kate who looks like she couldn't care less.

''Grandma!'' We all turn towards Teddy, looking at him as he runs from his room and into Grace's arms. She dries her tears as quickly as possible, and shows him a fake smile, that only looks real if you haven't seen her true smile. ''Is daddy back yet?'' he asks looking at everyone then ends up at me. I shake my head and try placing on a smile, but I feel myself failing. ''He _promised!_'' Teddy shouts and we all look at him in shock and confusion, ''daddy promised he would come back, he would never leave me.'' He runs off to his room, leaving us all stunned.

Grace get's hysterical, and I feel like breaking down to, but I need to be strong for Teddy I can't break down now. I walk after Teddy knocking lightly on his door just so he knows I'm coming in and I walk in. Teddy is laying there with his head in his pillow and he's slightly shaking. ''Oh, Teddy bear'' I say as I sit down beside him. I stroke up and down his back, soothing him as best as I can.

''Where is he mommy?'' he asks, as he turns over with tears in his eyes. ''Doesn't he want me anymore?'' My heart breaks for my little insecure boy, who so far has grown up without a father and now his dad is gone again.

''No Teddy, daddy loves you so much,'' I say and scoot him up in my lap, rocking back and forth. ''Teddy I need to tell you something okay? It might not be easy hearing.'' He nods his head so I continue as good as I can. How do you tell a 4 year old that there's a chance he won't ever see his dad ever again? ''Did daddy tell you about his helicopter?'' Teddy nods again, ''well he was flying it to where his meeting was, and… well when… Teddy…'' I take a deep breath, ''Teddy no one knows where daddy is, I believe he's alive and misses you like crazy and trying to get home to you, but right now no one knows. They can't find his helicopter.''

I look at Teddy to see if he understood what I just told him, and when I look at his face my heart continue breaking. My sweet precious boy look so lost, like his world has no meaning anymore. I hug him tight to my chest and continue rocking back and forth. ''Teddy, do you want to try sleeping a bit?'' I ask after a few minutes, I need to be here supporting my son but still Christian's family is sitting in the living room. Teddy slowly nods his head, and I lay him down and tuck him tight in.

I walk back out to the living room, and besides Kate everyone has tears in their eyes. I could never imagine Elliot crying, he's so big and so… man, but now he's crying over his lost brother. If Christian doesn't come back, I think that will break Elliot more than anyone else. If I understood Christian correctly he and Elliot had a tight friendship, they were often busy with work, but they tried getting together here and there. But lately I haven't seen Elliot, which means Christian hasn't seen him either.

I sit back down beside Mia and I don't cry, I don't talk and I don't feel. I don't want to feel, if I'm feeling something now it would kill me. Carrick is still in Christian's home office, and god knows what he's doing. None of us talk for a long time, and then Teddy comes back to the living room.

''Mommy I can't sleep,'' I look up at the clock and when I see it's nearly 9pm, I feel like losing it. Its 4 hours since he was supposed to be here. By now we would've put Teddy to bed, and who knows what we would've done right this minute.

''You have to sleep, come let mommy put you back to bed.'' He shakes his head and refuse to walk with me. ''Come on Teddy it's late.''

''No, I want to wait for daddy with you. I want daddy to tuck me in.'' He cross his arms over his chest and pout. When I pull on his arm a little he clicks, telling us that he is a big boy and that he can wait for _his_ daddy.

Elliot leaves Kate's side and get down to Teddy's level, and gives him a weak smile. ''Can I tuck you in?'' Teddy slightly shakes his head. ''I've never done it before, so you have to show me. Can you do that?'' Teddy shakes his head but lean in to hug Elliot while he cries. This is too much for him, and he's exhausted after a long day, but he's just as stubborn as his dad.

''Can Uncle Elliot tuck you in Teddy?'' I ask, ''maybe he can read you a story.'' I say and after a little while Teddy gives up and starts walk with Elliot to his room.

''Are you leaving me alone with them?'' Kate shouts after Elliot, and he turn around. ''You can't leave me here with them, please baby come back here.'' Elliot shakes his head and lifts Teddy up and start to walk towards the bedroom again. _''I'm your wife!''_

The look of shock on everyone's faces is indescribable, and there's a complete agonizing silence.

''What's she talking about?'' Grace stands up and looks directly at Kate while asking Elliot. I don't see sorrow in her eyes anymore, now she's furious. And Kate's eyes are filled with horror, and then her smirk is back. ''Elliot,'' Grace warns.

''Yeah we got married,'' he sighs. ''But now I'm taking my nephew to bed… Kate why don't you just leave? I'll be home in a bit.'' Then he walks to the bedroom, and when he's out of sight Grace starts to pace back and forth. Mumbling under her breath about how stupid Elliot can be at times.

''Leave Katherine,'' she says while pacing back and forth, ''we don't want you here… My son got married, my other son is missing, Ana just had a miscarriage'' she sums up everything bad that has happened lately. ''Leave!'' She screams when Kate just stands there, not doing anything.

''Jesus woman, I'll go.'' She says, she turns around before getting in the elevator. ''Jesus Steele, learn to use a fucking condom.'' Then she's gone.

''How could you be so stupid Elliot?'' I hear Grace shout at him. I went back to Christian bedroom when Elliot got out of Teddy's not wanting to be there for that conversation. I have too much going through my head to care about Elliot and Kate getting married, I'm more concerned about Christian.

Its 5 hours since Christian should've been back, and I really wish the Grey's could take their conversation out of here, but I'm not going to throw them out of their son's home, they're worried about him just as much as I am. Maybe yelling at Elliot is a good distraction for Grace.

I sneak myself out of the bedroom so they don't hear me, and I hear Elliot trying to defend himself as good as he can, but I'm not interested in their conversation. I knock on Christian's office door before walking in. Carrick is sitting there his head on the desk, but when he sees me he straightens up.

''Ana, what's going on out there?'' He asks, he sounds tired and his skin is paler now than I remember, and it looks like he might fall asleep any second now.

''Ehm… Elliot and Kate got married and Grace is freaking out.'' I say, and sit down in one of the chairs in front of Christian's desk.

''I can imagine,'' he says ''Grace was really hurt when she learned what Kate and Elliot did while watching Teddy… She was also really hurt when Christian told her how he reacted to the pregnancy news.'' He picks up a pen and start fiddling with it. ''Because of her situation,'' he continues after a while ''Gracie is against abortion, she won't understand why or how people could abort a child, when all she wanted was to have one of her own. For Gracie it was harder than for me, I never got attached to the children she was carrying, yes I was excited when she told me she was pregnant, and I was sad when she lost the first. But then the same happened with the next one and the one after that, and I stopped getting my hopes up.

''When Gracie told me she wanted to adopt, I wasn't onboard with that from the beginning, but when she told me she met a little orphan while she was checking on one of her colleagues' patients… I thought she had lost it when she wanted to adopt him. But I went with her to see this little boy she was talking about and I instantly fell in love with him. That's how we got Elliot, when he looked up at me with those baby blue eyes, I knew Gracie was right, he was going to be our son.'' He gets up and starts to walk around the office. Christian told me that Carrick is a private man; he doesn't like to talk about feelings, or things that makes him emotional, but maybe he needs to let this out now. The least I could do is listen to him.

''Christian, was her patient. I was late to pick her up one day so she worked a bit longer, if I haven't been late that day Christian wouldn't have been assigned to her. When I got there I didn't see my wife anywhere, and when I asked around after her they paged her but she didn't answer. I was freaking out, had something happened to her? Then when I walk through most of the corridors where she mostly worked, I heard her voice coming from one of the rooms… I knocked on the door and peeked my head inside, there she was sitting with this small boy, and he was _so _small and so skinny, it was only bones on that boy. When he saw me, you could see in his eyes how afraid he was, I've only seen that look on his face one time since that.

''Grace couldn't leave him, she was by his side all the time, and when I asked her if she wanted to adopt him she was over the moon. She didn't want to ask me to adopt him because she did that with Elliot, but when you saw the way the two of them looked at each other, there was no way I could let him slip through her fingers.'' He breaths out in a rush, and we both have tears in our eyes.

When Christian told me his adoptive story, it was nothing like this. He told me time after time that he was just a burden on them, that his father hated that his mom wanted to adopt him. If only Christian knew it was his dad's suggestion. ''You said you saw the look on Christian's face one more time, when was that?'' I ask, while drying my tears away.

''The time he sat down with us, and told us he wasn't going to college. He had a good reason for having that look in his eyes, it hurt seeing the look again, but I admit that I was mad and upset that he decided to not go to college. He came to me with business ideas, and I literally laughed right back in his face, I've never told him one time how proud I am of him, I wish I did. I'm so proud of him.''

''He knows you are,'' I say, Christian's father is a sore topic for him, Christian never liked talking about him, but whenever he talked about him you could see that he cared deeply for his father. ''And he loves you, there might be a chance he can't say it to you, but he loves you.'' Carrick walks over to me and leans down and hugs me, tight. ''What do you know so far?'' I whisper, not actually wanting to know the answer incase it's anything bad.

''Nothing much,'' he sighs and sit back down behind Christian's computer. ''The police and their fucking law don't take this serious, it's a damn helicopter missing why the fuck should we wait 24 hours before reporting it? It doesn't make sense,'' he starts typing things on the computer. ''I'm a lawyer and I've heard so much crap in my life, but that, that's just… fuck.'' He says and then quickly adds ''sorry.''

''Isn't there anything we could do?'' I ask, not sure what I could do, but we need to do something.

''Yes, it is. But we need to go the private way, but money isn't a problem, it just pisses me off that they don't take it more serious… come here.'' He says and I walk back behind the desk to look at the screen. ''Let me play this, it's fast but just watch.'' It's a map and a red dot going really fast from point A to B. ''That was Christian and Ros flying from Seattle to Portland, now watch this.'' He shows me the same map, only now the dot start on B, it flies a few seconds then it disappears. ''Now you would think that there'' he points at the screen, ''is where the helicopter is… it's not. I've had people there looking for them. So they were still flying when the signal got lost. My son doesn't know this but I have a tracker on his helicopter, I was worried when he started flying it around. The tracker was beside the motor, and if the motor got ruined they wouldn't be able to fly for long, but he's nowhere around this area'' he makes a large circle around the area where the dot died.

''The only believable reason at the moment is abduction by aliens, and we both now that didn't happen.'' He sighs ''so where is he? What happened there?'' He shows another map, a nature map so you can see what he's flying over when he flies. ''If he's crashed there's a chance he could land in time, if he weren't that high up, but see there.'' He points the mouse at a dark grey thing on the map. ''That's Mt. Saint. Helens and that can't be good if he flew that way, but other than that everything looks fine. Of course he could've been up high and there wouldn't be much of a chance at surviving, but I believe in my son, he's a smart man.''

''If he flew that way what could happen?'' I ask.

''If he flew high, that would be bad where ever he was, but if he weren't flying that high, and was around that area he might have flown right in the mountain wall. But I have people looking there, and looking everywhere from Seattle to Portland'' he clicks the site off and shuts the computer ''It's late, we should join the others, I have my phone on and they'll call when they find something.''

When Carrick and I got back out in the living room, Elliot sat by himself in the kitchen, while Grace and Mia was on the couch. Carrick joined them there, and I joined Elliot in the kitchen. We sit there just looking out the window, neither one of saying a peep. I can hear the conversation in the living room, but I don't pay any attention to it.

''I'm sorry for all the marriage drama, it was inconsiderate of us to do that here and now,'' Elliot says after a while. ''I know that neither one of you like her, but I love her and I'm sure she loves me back.'' I don't doubt a second Elliot's love for Kate, Kate can be very lovable, if she tries to get you to love her. But Kate has never been in love, and I don't believe she's in love now.

''It's okay. I love Kate, I really do and a part of me always will I think.'' He looks at me confused, and to be honest I'm a bit confused as well. ''We have some good memories together, me and her, and a few with Teddy. But not all of them are good… I don't hate her, but I don't like the way she has treated me sometimes, it's hurtful and I won't let her continue doing that to me.'' He nods, I was sure he was going to defend her, but he isn't.

''I know what you talk about, she doesn't use her filter all the time, but she has this affect on me… I literally am addicted to her, somehow. In the beginning we had great sex, but then I became clingy, I hate clingy people but I got that way myself.'' I know what he means; Kate can make you feel special, and worth something. But she can also take that away in seconds, and I can't let her in anymore.

''Now I'm afraid I've made a mistake. Is she really worth losing my family over?''

''You won't lose your family.'' I say, Grace would never do that to her son, and neither would Carrick and Mia. If Christian is alive he might have a problem with it, but he would get over it.

''I know,'' he says ''but I could never bring Kate over, and it would always feel weird. I love her, I'm not sure I love her enough.'' I look at him with a sympatric smile. ''Anyway, how are you doing?'' He asks.

''Oh, you know… I've been better. It helps talking about other things.'' I say, and he nods.

''Okay, other things.'' He says ''we could talk about the weather'' I frown at me, ''not?'' I shake my head, ''you're right it's too dark out. Eh… I heard you're pregnant.'' He says and my eyes widen.

''Who told you that?'' I ask.

''I got a text from Kate while I was in Teddy's room 'teach your brother how to use a condom' so I assumed you're pregnant?'' I blink away my tears that threaten to come, and bite my lip to keep it from quivering.

''Eh… No… I had a miscarriage,'' this time _his_ eyes get wide.

''Shit Ana, I'm sorry. Jesus I didn't know.''

''No, it's okay. Christian and I got through it together, everything is fine now'' I reassure him, even though it still hurts thinking about it. Thinking about the child we might've had.

''You really love him huh?'' Elliot asks, as he sees that I'm looking at my screen picture on my phone. It's a picture of the Teddy, Christian and I. At the picture I blush, because while Christian held the phone in one hand, his other hand was resting on my ass, while I held Teddy.

''I really do, with all my heart. Forever,'' I say and walk over to the other Grey's.

It's starting to head towards morning, its 3am and Mia and Grace are sleeping on the couch. Carrick has had a few phone calls; they have found the helicopter, but not Christian and Ros. I don't know if that's a good thing, but it narrows the searching party down to around that area. When I walked back into the office with Carrick, he had gotten pictures of the helicopter, which is crushed. Carrick said to me that looking at the pictures and the fact that they weren't in there, it might suggest that they got thrown out or jumped out of the helicopter before it went down.

He also said that, it's a slight chance that something happened to the helicopter while they were flying, like the motor exploding or something like that, but they could've land it safely. If that was the case, then they probably started walking in one direction, so now they have no idea where to look for them, but they're looking.

''Where did they find the helicopter?'' I ask, as Carrick scrolls through the pictures, stopping a few times and zooming in before changing to another picture.

''Mt. Saint Helens. But they obviously didn't crash in the mountain wall, but I have no idea what happened. See this?'' He shows me the first map again, ''remember this is where the red dot disappeared right?'' I nod and he continues. ''Here,'' he says while pointing to a place that's not showing anything, ''that's where they found the helicopter. So see, if the motor exploded how they get so far?''

''Is it possible that the tracker fell off.'' I ask, and he shifts between nodding and shaking his head.

''Yes that is possible, I believe. But then the dot that indicated the tracker would still show, but if the tracker got ruined then the dot would disappear. But the tracker was too close to the motor that the tracker could've gotten ruined and not the motor.''

After looking through a few more pictures, showing me where the tracker had been, and showing what's left of the motor, I start to lose my hope more and more. Then his phone ring again. An hour ago, I would be jumping up and down with excitement for the phone to ring, but now they've called every other minute telling us that they haven't found anything.

''Hello?'' Carrick answers and he listens for a while. Not showing any emotion on his face, not happiness or concern or worried or devastated. ''Okay, I'll tell them. Thank you.'' He hangs up, and then sighs. ''They're bringing him home now.''


	22. Chapter 22

**APOV**

''Christian!'' I hear Grace cry out, and when I turn around standing there, looking directly at me. I'm frozen at the spot, tears falling down my face. He looks tired, and confused. The man that found Christian and Ros wandering along the road told Carrick that nothing was wrong with them; they were in perfectly fine condition.

I watch as all the Grey's embrace Christian in a hug. I smile at the beautiful sight. I hope Christian realizes now that they all love him. Christian's gaze never leaves mine, but he talks to his parents and reassures them that everything is fine.

Christian starts to walk towards me, and I will my feet to start moving, to meet him halfway. I start to sprint over to him, and jump in his arms and he lifts me up. I lean down and kiss him, oblivious to his family watching us; we continue to stand like that. Exploring each other's mouth, as if it's the first time we've ever kissed. I've missed the feel of his lips, the feel of him and his masculine smell. He always smells so delicious.

He breaks free from the kiss, looking at me with a smile. ''Hey baby,'' he whispers. I start to cry, for a time I thought I would never hear him call me that again. He sets me down on my feet, and hugs me tightly to his chest. ''Shhh, baby don't cry. Everything is fine, I promise'' he says and kisses the top of my head, while he's sniffing my hair. At any other time I would've questioned it, but I guess he missed my smell as much as I missed his. ''Hey don't cry, shhh'' he soothes me rubbing my back.

I look up at him, and he looks down at me with saddened eyes. I lean up to kiss him again, his lips are slightly open. ''I love you,'' I whisper against his lips, and his lips closes over mine, in a sweet kiss. The sweetest kiss we've ever shared filled with so much love. ''I missed you so much Christian.''

''I know Ana, I missed you too. So damn much,'' he closes his eyes and when he opens them again he looks pained. He turns around to his family again, and they're watching us all with weak and tired smiles on their face. ''I promise I'm fine, everything is fine.'' He tells them ''you should all go home and get some rest, and we can talk about it later.'' He turns to look at me, ''now I want to spend some time with my girl'' he smiles at me.

They say their goodbyes, and Christian walks them to the elevator. I walk over to the kitchen, busying myself, so that I don't continue to cry. Christian is alive, he's healthy, and he called me his girl. I get a big goofy grin on my face, as I start to wash a few glasses by hand.

''Baby,'' Christian comes in behind me whispering in my ear, and carefully grabs the things I'm holding in my hand and puts them down. He takes me by my hips and turns me around. He puts his hands on the cabinets behind me, and he leans in and kisses me. This time hard, and full of need, he hoists my legs around his waist and turn around to place me on the kitchen island, never detaching our lips.

I tighten my legs around him, pushing him closer to me and playfully bite softly on his bottom lip. A low growl escapes his mouth and he pushes his tongue inside my mouth again, taking control over the kiss, and whatever he wants I oblige. His hand goes under my shirt – his shirt that I'm wearing – and start to fondle with my breast, rolling my nipple between his fingers, sending a jolt to my core. ''Take a bath with me?'' he asks, but it sound more as a command. At lost for words I nod and he carries me to his bathroom.

He sits me down on the closed toilet lit, as he fills the bathtub. When the water starts to stream down in the big tub, he starts to take off his clothes until he's in his boxers. Lifting me up and taking all my clothes off, so that I'm completely naked in front of him. He glances up and down my entire body, and I feel self conscious of the scar from my caesarean, so I cover it with my hands. ''Don't'' he whisper, and get's down on his knees pull my hands away and licks the whole scar, before giving it many sweet kisses. Everything tightens down_… there_. He looks up at me ''you're so beautiful,'' and I relax at his words. He run his finger along the scar and whisper ''beautiful.'' He smiles up at me. ''This, brought our son into the world Anastasia. There's nothing more beautiful than that.''

He stands up again, holding my chin and kisses me sweetly. My hands go to his boxer and start to tug them down, with a chuckle he breaks from the kiss and step out of them. Now it's mine turn to look him over. I haven't seen him completely naked since we were 16, and the vision in front of me is nothing like I remembered him.

When we were 16, he had abs, but nothing like the ones he has now. I run my hand over his six pack, and start down his happy trail, looking at his hard erection. His eyes closes as my fingers travel across his shoulders, and down his arms, then back up to explore his chest. His arms hang to his side, but his gingerly twitch.

Continuing down towards is heavily erection, I get down on my knees, and start to slowly pump my hand up and down his manhood; it feels much firmer than I imagine it would feel. Not sure what to do since I've never done anything like it before, but I want to try it for Christian. Kate showed me once on a banana while she was drunk, but I don't think it's the same, I would never do to Christian what she did with the banana. I look up at Christian, and his mouth is open and his breathing is harsh as he looks intently at me. Leaning forward still looking up at him I place a kiss at the tip, and his eyes widen.

He's obviously enjoying it, so I lean forward and take him in my mouth, swirling my tongue around the tip of his erection. When I look up again, he's eyes are closed. I suck hard then take him out with a loud pop, and start to lick from the base and all the way to the tip, while looking at his face to see what he likes. He's eyes are still closed and breathing coming out in quickly harsh breaths. I take him in my mouth, and this time I go all the way down on him, I push him into my mouth, swirling my tongue around the tip again. He flexes his hips, ''Ana… this… feels… so good'' he grunts and I suck harder flicking my tongue across the head of his erection. ''I'm gonna come in your mouth… if you don't…shit… '' He thrusts his hips again, and his hands goes down in my hair. ''_Ana!_'' He cries my name out and stills, and I feel his warm and salty liquid bursting into my mouth, swallowing it all as I swirl my tongue over his tip one last time.

''Baby,'' he breaths and tugs at my arms and get me to my feet. ''Please tell me you've never done that before'' he asks, and I frown a little bit confused, was I that bad that he hoped I'd never done it to anyone else?

''Was I bad?'' I ask shyly with a frown.

''_No_ that was amazing, I just hope you haven't done it to anyone else… only me'' I smile at him, both sweetly and shyly and shake my head, no. ''Thank you, wow'' he turns off the water, and it's filled too much for the both of us. If we're both going in it, the water will splash over. Christian offers me his hand; I take it and lower myself into the tub, carefully with the overfilled water. ''Scoot forward baby,'' he says before he gets in behind me.

''Christian! We can't move without splashing the water over,'' I say.

''It's okay, it's just water,'' he says and pushes me back against him, and the water sloshes over. It's nice laying here in a warm bath, with the man of my dreams. Christian runs his hands up and down my arms, and rests his chin at the top of my head.

''Christian?''

''Hmmm?'' He breaths out.

''Why didn't you call me last night? I mean before you left?'' His arms tighten around me, and he sighs heavily.

''It's stupid,'' he says ''the battery on my phone died because I forgot to charge it again. I'm so sorry baby, if I had power I would've called you.'' He kisses the top of my head, and continues with exploring my body with his hands. ''How's Teddy?'' he asks, and I can't keep my tears in. ''Hey, what's wrong?'' he sounds concerned and panicked.

I lean my head back and turn my head to look up at him. ''He was scared,'' I say and his face saddens again. ''Christian…'' I cry ''he thought you didn't want to be his father anymore.'' His eyes immediately widen, and he looks pained, tears starting to form in his eyes, and his hold on me tightens again. He leans forward so his forehead is the top of my head.

''Oh god,'' he whispers. ''That would never happen Anastasia, please tell me he knows that?'' he asks. I nod, and he sighs out in relief. We sit there just soaking in the bath, not talking. ''I was scared for a while,'' he says his voice pained. ''I thought I would never see the two of you again. If it weren't for you and Teddy I don't think I would've been that determined to land the helicopter safely, you are my talismans.'' He kisses my neck, lightly sucking on it. ''The thought of never seeing you two ever again, was the motivation I needed to land safely. Thank you,'' he whispers.

''Thank you, Christian'' I say ''thank you for being safe and alive. Thank you for loving our son, for loving me. You are too good to be true, and you know what?'' I ask, and I feel him shaking his head. I turn around straddling him, not caring about all the water splashing over. I lean in to whisper in his ear ''you are my Prince Charming.''

He lifts my chin and stares down into my eyes, his eyes filled with love as he leans in to kiss me. ''Let's go to bed.'' He whispers ''I'm sorry, baby, but I'm so fucking tired.'' I nod and we get out of the bath tub, and the second Christian's head hit the pillow he's fast asleep.

**CPOV**

I wake up around 7am only a couple hours after Ana and I went to bed, Ana is still asleep in my arms. I smile at how beautiful she looks. I untangle myself from her carefully, not to wake her up. I walk over to my drawers and pulls out pajama bottoms, put them on and head to Teddy's room.

That Teddy thought I didn't want to be his dad any longer nearly killed me. So now I'm going to sit in his room, and wait for him to wake up, and I'm going to spend the day with my son. I sit down in the chair beside the window, and look at him sleeping. He looks so peaceful when he sleeps. He's laying on the left side of his bed, and I lie down on the right after a little while. The bed is too small for me, but I want to be near my son.

His eyes start to flutter and he turns around, and then back again. I sit up, and wait for him to be awake. He sits up and rubs his eyes, still not noticed that I'm here. ''Hi, buddy.'' I say, and he whips his head around with big eyes.

''Daddy!'' he jumps in my lap and hug me tight. ''I missed you daddy.'' He says and giving me a sloppy kiss on the cheek. And I grin at him, how could anyone not want to be his dad? Teddy is amazing. ''Where is your helicopter?'' he asks.

''I'm not sure,'' I frown ''but I think I have to buy a new one. Maybe you can help me pick one?'' I ask and his eyes widen as he nods his head with a huge smile on his face. ''Oh, I missed you little man.'' I give him a kiss back on his cheek, and this time he doesn't dry it away. ''Do you want breakfast? Daddy can make you some,'' I say and stand up. He looks at me and scrunches his nose and looks skeptical at me. ''No?'' I ask, and he shakes his head. ''Should we wake mommy?'' I ask, and he nods, and walks out the bedroom.

I'm still tired after coming home only a few hours ago, but I wanted to be there when Teddy woke up. I can sleep later; right now I want to spend time with my family. I walk to the kitchen while Teddy wakes Ana up. Normally I would let Ana sleep, but I'm also hungry and I don't want my food either.

I walk into the kitchen and turn on the coffee. Coffee is the only thing I can make, but if I say so myself, it's pretty amazing. After a few minutes Teddy comes running in with Ana stumbling after him. I walk over to her, and place a sweet kiss on her lips. She grins up at me, ''good morning,'' she whispers.

''Good morning baby,'' I say and place one more kiss on her before she walks over to the fridge and take out what she needs to make breakfast. Teddy runs over to me, and hands me something. I take a look at what it is, and it's a drawing he has made of us together. ''For me?'' I ask, and he nods with a huge Teddy smile. ''Thank you, it's amazing... Did you make it all on your own?''I ask and he gives me huge smile and nods his head, I squat down and give him a hug, and he clings tightly to me.

We eat breakfast and listen to Teddy tell us the things he has done since I left. He just talks to talks, and it's really cute, he's cute. His mother is cute how could he not end up cute, our future children will be cute, and believe me we will have more children together. But I think we both need to take things a bit slow, and after Ana's recently miscarriage, I don't think I should start planning that now. But after getting to know Teddy, I definitely want more kids, and I want them with Ana.

After breakfast Teddy finds a movie he wants to see, and we all walk to the home theatre, which is actually just a big guestroom without windows, and a large movie screen. But it's cozy, and Teddy loves it there. I put the movie on, and sit down on the love seat in the middle of the room. Ana walks past me to sit beside me, but I grab her hand, and pull her down on my lap, holding her. A few seconds later Teddy jumps on us, making us groan as he sits… _jumps _down on Ana's lap. I wrap my arms around Teddy, it's really not comfortable but it's sweet, and it would make a great picture, but it's not a position to sit in.

Ana get's off my lap, and place Teddy on my lap, and she curls up beside me resting her head on my shoulder. I turn my head and kiss the top of her head, as she sighs, a sigh full love. The movie begins, and with my wonderful son on my lap, and my beautiful girl curled up next to me, I fall asleep with a smile on my face.

**XXXXXXX**

I wake up alone in the home theater, laying down with a blanket over me. Look at the watch on my wrist and see it's already past noon. I walk to the living room, where Teddy is watching TV and Ana is lying on the couch trying to stay awake. I walk over to her, and lift her up. ''You should sleep, Ana. You were up all night too.'' She doesn't say anything, but snuggles into my chest, as I carry her to my room… to _our_ room.

She curls up under the covers, as I lay her down. I smile down at the beautiful woman in front of me, and then turn to leave. ''I love you Christian,'' she sighs ''so much'' then she's asleep. I couldn't be more in love with her if I tried. With Ana and Teddy in my life I have all I'll ever need.

I walk back to the living room, sitting down on the couch as Teddy is laughing at some new Mickey Mouse Clubhouse on TV. I use my time to go through some of my emails. When I'm done with them, I listen to all my voice mails, most of them are from Ana.

''Hey Christian, it's me. Are you going to be home soon?''

''Hey, I still haven't heard from you, please call me.''

''Christian? Is everything okay, will you be home soon?''

''I'm getting scared here, please come home Christian.''

''Christian! Can you please come home, where are you?''

It continues like that for a while then I hear the last one.

''Christian, please come home to me. I know you won't hear this; I just wanted to hear your voice, even if it was just your voice mail. Please don't be dead, you can't be dead, I need you, Teddy needs you. I just want you to come home, I miss you. I lo…'' then the voice mail was cut. She sounded so worried, so scared, I made her feel like that.

They're still looking into the accident, I think it was just something that happened, but they're looking into it. I don't believe it was arson, yes I get many threats every day, but… no I don't think that. So far the threats that have been sent to GEH have been really tame, nothing I see a reason to worry about. Mostly people believing they can get to me, and make me pay them. With the time, people start to hear more and more about me, but I hold a low profile, and I'm a private man, they don't know anything about me. They don't have personal material to threat with.

''Daddy?'' I look up from my phone, and Teddy is sitting down on the couch in front of me. ''Did you buy me something?'' He asks shyly.

''I did buddy, but with everything happening I lost it,'' he looks disappointed for a second then he nods his head. ''But…'' I say and he looks up at me hopeful ''what if we go and buy something for you one day?'' he smiles brightly at me, ''you can pick whatever you want, would you like that?''

''Yes,'' he nods, and jumps into my lap. ''I want you to always be my daddy,'' he says as he hugs me, his small arms trying to connect around my back.

''I have always and will always be your daddy, Teddy.'' I want to tell him personally how sorry I am for everything, but he won't understand it, yet. ''I love you,'' I say and kiss him on the nose.

''I love you too,'' he says and does the same to me.

The rest of the day is quietly and relaxing. Playing with Teddy, trying to draw with him, which I can't. There was food in the fridge that I could just reheat for us both. Ana slept through rest of the day, but she was exhausted. She waited up all night for me to come home, and then we had a bath, then we went to bed, only to be woken up a few hours later to make breakfast.

It's only after I've put Teddy to bed, that Ana comes out of the bedroom. She sits down on the couch next to me, and curls her legs under her, resting her head on my shoulder.

''We should probably visit your parents tomorrow,'' she says, and I nod. ''Christian, I think that maybe that tomorrow will be a good day to tell, at least your mom about her friend.'' I close my eyes and sigh, as I lean my head down on hers.

''I know, it's just… it's not easy, you know?'' I adjust us so she's sitting on my lap. ''How did you tell Ray about the baby,'' I ask, and she looks shyly away.

''That was… terrifying…'' She says and then looks back at me. ''Embarrassing, telling my dad I was pregnant, was admitting I had sex. Like having Teddy wasn't embarrassing, I've never been embarrassed by him, but… we… you know… that was the hard part. He was very understanding, he actually cried more than me, but not because he was angry or anything, he was just scared… He didn't know who his father was, until he found the picture of us, you and Teddy look so much alike, so he figured it out.''

''When your dad and I talked,'' I say and she looks surprised at me. ''He wasn't upset with me, or angry. Had anyone done what I did to you towards Mia, my dad wouldn't have acted the way Ray acted. I was surprised by that, but he was a good man, I wish I got to know him better.'' I say, as a little tear fall down on her face.

''Will you tell me what you talked about?'' she says, and lean her head down to my chest.

''Someday,'' I whisper and stroke her hair. We sit like that for a while, just holding each other, and talking. I turn my head towards the clock, and see that it's over midnight already, but neither one of us are tired.

''Christian,'' she whisper in my ear, softly in her angelic voice. Then she kiss me deeply, and give me kisses all over my face, before gently nibbling on my earlobe, ''let's make love again.''


	23. Chapter 23

**CHRISTIAN**

''Take of your shirt'' I say as we're standing in our bedroom. She turns around to face me, sliding _my _shirt of her arms and letting it fall to the floor, noticing she's not wearing a bra. _God she's beautiful,_ and she doesn't look a bit embarrassed only turned on.

She hooks her thumbs under the waistband of her panties and slowly slip it over her hips, and wriggling a little in the process. My eyes glued to her hips. Before her panties falls to the floor, I pull her in my arms and kiss her deeply.

We both take off my clothes, not being able to control ourselves any longer. I stare at her body for several seconds, looking at her beautiful curves. I kiss her again, with a tenderness we've never shared before. I lower her to the bed, and my hands skim up her body, up her arms, then down her sides.

''Ana, you're so beautiful,'' she grins up at me.

''You're gorgeous, Christian.'' I bend down to kiss her.

''Lie down,'' I whisper in her ear, as I take off my boxer briefs. She does as I say, and she looks me up and down as I stand in front of her. I kneel down at the foot of the bed, between her feet. ''I've tasted the upper part of your body, but the lower half has been neglected'' I pick up one of her legs and rest her ankle on my shoulder. ''Let's do something about that,'' my lips slide up her ankle, and I place kisses up her calves, stopping in the hollow of her knee.

I chuckle when I feel her squirm. I lower her leg down, and lift the other one in the same position. ''Am I driving you crazy?'' I ask, as I do the same to her right leg that I did to her left, ending just above her knee.

''Yes,'' she says breathy. I laugh softly as my mouth continues its ascent. I leave her leg on my shoulder, and spread her other leg open, and lean over to kiss the inside of her thigh. I look up at her, and her breasts rise and fall with her quickened breaths. I kiss both of the inside of her thighs, then my tongue finds the spot that drives her wild. She arches her back and gasps. I lift her hips and slip one finger inside her, then a few seconds later I insert another finger, while my mouth concentrate on its assignment. ''Christian,'' she pleads.

''It's okay,'' I say, my tongue circles around her clitoris, ''I want you to come this way.'' She let's out a breathy moan. Oh fuck, I love to hear her little sounds. One of my hands slides up her stomach and over the swell of her breasts, fondling with one of her nipples. She arches into me, as I suck harder and harder, driving her more and more crazy. She let's go, and cries out my name, again and again. She fists her hands in my hair, as she gets her breathing back under control.

I crawl up her body and kiss her. ''Fuck me,'' she whispers in my ear. ''We can make love another time, fuck me now.''

**ANA**

The muscle in his neck tenses. I lock my legs around him, and whisper in his ear ''fuck me,'' again. I should be embarrassed to say this to him, but I'm not. The way Christian is looking at me makes me bold. He tries to roll to the side, but I keep my legs locked tightly around him.

''I need a condom,'' he sounds impatient. I press the heel of my foot into the soft flesh of his ass. He closes his eyes and sucks in a breath. ''I want to be in you, _now_.'' I pull arms around his back and push him down to me, surprising us both by my new boldness.

''I'm on the pill,'' I whisper in his ear, and he tenses. ''When I went to the doctor because… you know, I went on the pill… I've only ever had sex with you,'' he smiles down at me, ''I'm clean.''

''I get tested regularly, I'm clean too.''

My mouth moves to his neck and his pulse throbs against my lips as his erection throbs against my core. ''Fuck me,'' I whisper.

He groans and rises on his forearms, his gaze on mine as he slowly slides into me. His eyes roll back as his head leans back. '_'Anastasia,_'' he pushes deeper until he's all the way in. ''Fuck,'' he growls. I lift my pelvis so he can slide deeper. He grabs my hips, as he begins to move. ''I haven't… since… _god!_ You feel so good.''

''Fuck me, Christian.'' I arch my back, ''fuck me harder." He groans and obeys. I never thought I could talk dirty while having sex, I've overheard Kate a lot with the years, but I never imagine I would talk like that.

I'm so close but I try to hang on, letting the pressure build, and when I can't hold it anymore, I let go, flying apart into a million pieces. I'm vaguely aware of Christian's growl; it starts low then builds up. His fingers dig into my hips, pulling me closer, as he tries to get deeper. He comes with a primal groan, then he collapses on top of me. I unlock my ankles, and he slides to my side, pulling me so that I'm resting my head on his chest.

We lay like that, getting our breaths back, Christian stroking my back, writing with his fingers 'love.' I turn my head and look up at him, he smiles down at me kissing my forehead. I snuggle into his chest, curling my legs. ''I love you, Christian.'' I say, and he squeezes me tighter. ''I always have, always will. There's no one else for me.'' He takes in a breath, making it sound like a gasp. This is things I've always known, always felt and have always said to myself. This is the first time I say them out loud.

Christian pulls me on top of him, so that I'm straddling him. The only thing between us is the thin sheet over his hips. He sits up, and cups my face in his hands. ''I love you so much, more than I knew possible.'' I kiss him, but he soon takes over the kiss, pushing his tongue inside my mouth. This, this is what I always dreamt of, the man of my dreams. I always wanted to feel loved, and when I'm with Christian that's exactly what I feel.

After a little while Christian rolls us over, never detaching our lips. He slowly, oh so slowly, push deep inside me, and he just as slowly pulls out before pushing in again. We make love, but so much better than I remembered. Christian is being sweeter and gentler, and he doesn't stop kissing me, switching between my mouth, jaw and neck.

After that we doze off for awhile, and only an hour later I'm woken up with kisses all over my face, and we make love one more time.

''I'm never letting you go, you know that right?'' He asks, as we lay there holding each other. Christian stroking my back again, I'm kissing his chest, his scars from his past.

''I'm counting on it.'' I say, and we fall asleep.


	24. Chapter 24

**Epilogue part 1. **

**3 months later.**

* * *

**ANA**

I wake to Christian's kisses. They cover my face then move down to my neck as I drift from sleep to consciousness. I pull his mouth to mine, not caring about morning breath since we never do; I kiss him leisurely, sighing my contentment into his mouth.

His hand run down from my neck over my breasts then under the covers, finding the hem of his t-shirt that I'm wearing and lifting it up over my head. Now I'm completely naked, he has no clothes to remove. He likes to sleep naked next to me, not that I would ever complain.

This last 3 months have been wonderful; I have loved every second of it. Christian has made a tight schedule on work; he leaves for work at the same time every day, and comes home at a certain time every day. If he has meetings he has to either stay later or leave earlier, but we have made a routine that fits for us, and Teddy. Teddy loves when Christian comes home, we have a nice time until he comes home then Teddy is all about daddy, which is fine because I love them both, they love me, and of course they love each other.

Christian's mouth resumes its descent, his head disappearing under the covers and finding my breasts. I arch up to him and I tangle my hands in his soft hair. His hands skim my body, down my waist to my thighs, before one hand finds the aching spot between my legs. He soon has me breathless and needy for more.

We make love without words this morning; we've become so attuned to one another that we now can read our signs, the little sighs and grunts that signal what we want and need. Christian knows that I'm ready, that I was ready before I even woke up, since I'm always ready for him, but he likes to torture me a little longer than necessary. His mouth finds mine again, his tongue joining with mine, and finally he gives me what I want, what I crave –every part of him, body and soul.

Afterward, we lie in each other's arms, and we still haven't said a word. Sometimes we make love like this; slow and gentle as though we have all the time in the world. Other times it's hot and passionate and full of dirty talk.

Christian kisses my forehead and whisper ''happy birthday, baby.'' I look up at him, into his loving gray eyes and he smiles down at me before kissing me gently on my lips.

''Thank you for the best birthday ever,'' I say beaming up at him.

''And I haven't even given you your present yet,'' he teases and kiss me one more time, longer this time.

''You make me happy, Christian, you make my birthday better, you and Teddy.'' I smile at him, I mouth 'I love you,' and suddenly he's all over me, all alpha male, my alpha male. He kiss a trail down my abdomen, then up again, teasing me. He's about to kiss the place where I ache for him, he's almost there. Then he suddenly stops when we hear Teddy knocking on the door.

Christian leaps up and finds a pair of pajama bottoms, before unlocking our door. We have started locking it every night; we have learned it's best and safest to do that. Teddy has never seen anything inappropriate, but there have been a few close calls. Christian unlocks the door, and Teddy run for our bed. I have put Christian's shirt on again, but I am pantiless under the cover. I look at Christian then I follow his gaze to where my panties are, then he meets my eyes smirking at me. I shake my head at him, and then turn my attention to Teddy. He leaps in my lap and kisses my chin 4 times.

''Happy birthday, mommy'' he smiles and hugs me, I hold him tight rocking us back and forth. Christian gets back under the covers and Teddy lies down between us, smiling. Christian lies down beside him, propping himself on his elbow, smiling down at our beautiful son. ''When are we going on the boat,'' he asks Christian, and my eyes move to find his and he looks panicked for a moment, before hauling himself over Teddy, tickling him.

''You ruined mommy's surprise, Teddy,'' he says and Teddy is giggling trying to get away.

''Save me mommy!'' he says as he grabs me by my shirt and drags me down with him. Then Christian is straddling us both, shifting between tickling Teddy and tickling me. Teddy makes a run for it, and leaps out of our bed and out of the room.

Christian looks down at me smiling; he leans down and kisses me long and lazy. ''It's a good thing I have more than one surprise,'' he says, before stalking after Teddy.

We have a quiet breakfast. I of course had to make the breakfast myself, but the boys had bought me a cake, red velvet, my favorite, and a chocolate cake. Teddy has given me many presents, clothes, body wash, a family picture framed with the 3 of us, he looked so proud of himself when he gave me every present, and I can't stop smiling.

Christian has yet to give me a present from him, he told me I had to wait, and that some of them weren't appropriate for Teddy's eyes. I blushed when he said that, and he kissed my cheek telling me how adorable I looked.

We drove to the catamaran, Teddy was so excited. Christian has hired a captain for the day, and Christian is helping him with the sails. He's looking oh so hot when he helps him, and I can't help falling more and more in love with him. Teddy is sitting in the living room area with his trains, playing by himself. I was shocked when I saw everything that Christian had done with the boat, he even hired a chef, and there's light everywhere.

Christian looks up at me, I blush being caught staring at him, he winks at me before continuing what he was doing. Still embarrassed I walk back inside and sit down with Teddy, just watching him play I love that, I do that every day. It's not that I don't want to start working, because I do, I want to fill my days with something other than only family time. But I feel that I have lost so much of Teddy's life, which I have, I lost a lot when I went to college.

Teddy grew up with my dad, his pops, pops was his first word, I first saw him walking on a video that dad sent me. I cried so much when I saw it, first of all because it was such a beautiful sight, how hard he tried to walk but couldn't make it, and when you see the pride on his face as he makes his first steps, it's indescribable. And I saw it on a video, a part of me – a huge part I guess, cried because I wasn't there, I wasn't there to experience that with my son.

Christian sits down in front of me, looking concerned as he cups my face, and wipe my tears away with his thumbs. ''You okay?'' he asks, as he continue to stroke my face with his thumbs. I nod at him, and then I shake my head, as tears I didn't know I was holding in floats out. He crushes me to his chest, as he holds me tightly ''shhhh,'' he soothes me, rubbing my back. ''What's going on in that beautiful head of yours, huh?'' He asks, as my crying dies down.

''Just thinking,'' I sniffle, ''about Teddy as a baby, about dad… I miss him,'' I say and Christian looks apologetic at me, as he nods. ''I just… I want to go back, to when Teddy was a baby, doing things differently.'' I say and Christian nods knowingly at me. ''I know I've said sorry so many times, but I truly am sorry, I love you so much Christian, I wish the happiness we have now that we could've had that earlier.'' He nods again, and hugs me tightly again. ''I feel guilty for feeling this happy,'' I admit, and he looks confused at me, ''my dad and all, the miscarriage, everything that happened with your mom, and in the middle of all of it, I'm so damn happy.'' I give him a sad smile.

''None of that was your fault Ana, your dad loved you and he was sick, nothing you could've done about it,'' he says sadly. ''Miscarriages happens, all the time so many times, was it an awful thing? Yes, but there is nothing we could've done with that either.'' He says even more sadly, ''and for my mother, she doesn't blame you for anything, the opposite actually, she looks at you as someone who has saved me, which you have.'' I look at his beautiful smile, and his eyes filled with so much love. ''No one knew what Elena was capable of, and no one thought she would go to such extreme lengths,'' he says, sighing.

We sat at Grace's couch quiet, a long time after Christian told her about his ''relationship'' with one of her nearest friends. He started off really nervous, but when he told Grace about the miscarriage he told her about his past, and it was easier then to tell her. But when he told who had introduced him to that lifestyle, Grace was in shock. And it probably didn't help, that the bitch troll was in the other room. Grace had put together a little party of family and close friends, that all worried about Christian when _Charlie Tango_ went missing.

When Grace finally got her thoughts and emotions under control, she stood up and walked gracefully into the living room, and dragged Elena out herself. She grabbed her by her too tight dress, and pushed her out the door, she whispered something in her ear and Elena looked scared. Grace had made sure that Elena was never allowed into her friend circle ever again, or to any country clubs, or anywhere Grace associated herself.

I don't believe Grace did it on purpose, I only think that she needed some time, after Christian told her about everything, but Christian was hurt and felt abandon by his mother. She didn't contact him, or invite us over. She had called me a few times asking to speak with Teddy, and that hurt Christian even more. Every time I answered the phone with ''Hi, Grace,'' he looked sad and left the room.

Carrick called Christian one morning, telling him that Grace had been in an accident. We all rushed to the hospital, Christian ran to find his mother while I walked with Teddy and sat down in the waiting room. Everything was fine with Grace, just a bit banged up, but nothing internal bleeding or anything. She had been in a car accident on her way from the hospital after I night shift, when someone drove into her from behind. The other driver was worse off than Grace, paralyzed from the waist and down. After the Grey's talked to the police, they got to know that the other driver was Elena Lincoln, and I've never seen Christian more pissed than he was at that moment. Christian was pretty mad when he learned that he had a son that I hadn't told him about, but he was not as mad then as he was at the hospital.

Everything worked out okay, Elena is not a problem anymore, with her being in jail. Grace was so sorry for the way she treated Christian that previous week. And after that everything went back to normal.

''I love your mom,'' I tell Christian ''I've never met anyone nicer, more lovely, or loving.'' Christian smiles at me, and peck my lips.

''She loves you too,'' he says ''but not as much as I love you, you are my everything Anastasia.'' He pecks my lips again, and then he starts to play with Teddy. God I love that man, he's amazing and loving, and just wow. I watch them play together, Teddy telling Christian the same story behind every train he owns. I have no idea how many times I've heard them but Teddy likes to tell things. Christian looks up at me, smiling a few times before focusing down at Teddy again.

We have a lovely family day on the boat, Teddy trying to convince us to let him swim, which we wouldn't let him, so Christian put him in the bathtub in the master room. It's not as big as the one at Escala, but it could fit both Christian and I. The food that the chef prepared was heavenly, and Teddy ate all of his food, which I rarely get him to do.

Now Teddy is napping in the big bed, while Christian and I are sitting on deck looking out at the sea. ''It's been the best birthday ever, thank you,'' I say, and he kiss the top of my head.

''I wanted to talk to you about something,'' he says in all seriousness. I get off his lap, to sit in front of him so I can give him my full attention. ''It's about Teddy's name,'' he starts, looking nervous. ''I want him to have my name, he can keep Steele, if that's important to you, but I want Grey to be his surname.'' I nod at him, thinking over what to say next. I have thought about this a lot.

''I want Teddy and I to have the same name,'' I start, ''that's important for me, that we have that connection, and I guess that's the same way you feel?'' I ask and he nods, ''but_ I_ also want Teddy and I to have the same name.''

''Okay…'' Christian says grabbing my hand, ''what if we make it your name to? Grey I mean,'' he asks, and my eyes shoot up to his and he looks nervous.

''Are you? Is this…?'' he holds up a finger asking me to wait a moment, as he walks away to get something. A few seconds later he's standing in front of me, with an envelope. He hands it to me, and it's addressed to me. I take it, and he walks away.

**CHRISTIAN POV**

I didn't plan on asking her this way, I planned on doing it I already have a ring, but now it just came out. I walk over to the living room and look out so I can watch her reading the letter. I have no idea what it says in the letter, but after a few seconds Ana's crying. I walk out again when she lays the letter beside her, and cry in her hands.

I sit down beside her, rubbing her back. ''You… y-you… as-sked'' she sobs, she takes a few seconds getting herself together, drying her tears and getting her voice back. ''You asked my daddy for permission to marry me?'' She asks in shock, and I smile as I nod at her. ''But… but back then, we weren't… I thought you hated me back then.'' She says, drying her eyes one more time.

I shake my head, '' I didn't hate you, I loved you but we both needed time… I told your dad that maybe we might get feelings for each other again; I told him that I loved you and that maybe one day I would want to ask you. I also told him that I knew that you would want his blessing when you decided to get married.'' I look at the letter questioningly, and she nods.

''We have his blessing,'' she cries with a smile.

I take out the ring from my pocket; I twirl it around in my hand. ''Before you answer,'' I say ''you have to know that I don't mean let's get engaged. I mean let's get married, as soon as possible, preferably next week.'' Her eyes get big for a second, and I think that she might say no. But then she slightly nods as tears form in her eyes again. ''Say it,'' I say softly, cupping her face in my hands.

''Yes, I'll marry you,'' the words have barely left her mouth before my mouth attacks hers. Showing her how happy I am, through the kiss. Her hands go into my hair, as mine start to travel down south. ''We can't…'' she gasps out, ''Teddy.'' I stop my hand from going lower and grab her waist and lift her on my lap. We continue kissing for god knows how long, we don't stop before a sleepy Teddy walks out.

I find the ring between us and put it on her finger, it's not too over the top, I don't think she would've liked that. It's a little over 1 carat, and it's perfect for her. She looks down at it and gasps. ''Happy birthday baby, I love you.''

**1 Week later (ANA)**

I don't know what's more amazing, the fact that I'm in Greece! Or that I'm here with my son and husband! It didn't take long before Christian dragged me to the court house to get married, and to change Teddy's name. Christian of course couldn't be happier that we're all Grey's now, and Teddy loves it and so do I. I'll admit that I get all giddy every time he calls me Mrs. Grey, it's so weird, but so amazing at the same time. The last 4 months have been surreal, my son got to meet his father, and I am married to my son's father!

Christian surprised me and Teddy when we were at the court house with a trip to Greece, and I fell more in love with him. We flew to Greece in his private jet, which made Teddy really excited. Christian pulled me into his lap on the plane, and tried to do all kinds of things to me without making Teddy aware of what was going on. When we landed in Greece, we weren't there for long before we took a boat to a private Island! So for the next week we'll be here all alone only us. There's a housekeeper who comes every other day with groceries and to clean up a bit, but other than that it's only our little family here.

We've only been here a few hours and I can tell this will be one of the best weeks of my life. We have spent the day on the beach, building sandcastles and when the waves got really big Christian lifted Teddy up and carried him into the waves and they swayed up and down, Teddy squealed with happiness. I've been lying around in the sun, watching them interact with each other, it's truly amazing. And the way they resemble each other, they look so much alike.

Teddy went to sleep an hour ago, so Christian and I are cuddling in the king size sun bed, watching the big bright moon with a sheet covering over us. The pool lighting up beside us and a few lights on the porch in case Teddy wakes up looking for us.

''What are you thinking?'' Christian whispers in my ear, and starts to lightly suck on my earlobe.

''How happy I am,'' I say, turning my head and smile up at my wonderful husband. He leans down and kisses me softly on my lips. We lay down on the sun bed together, snuggling closer to each other and he deepens the kiss, his tongue colliding with mine.

''I love you Mrs. Grey,'' he says in between the kisses, never wanting to detach our lips. He pulls on the bikini straps in my neck and back, and let my bikini top fall of, and he starts sucking on my nipples.

''I love you too Mr. Grey,'' I gasp, and tangle my fingers in his hair. Before I know it Christian has lifted me up in his arms and walked us out in the pool, the cold water shocks me. He keeps walking till its deep enough, but not too deep, and then he takes off my bikini bottom. My legs wraps around his waist as we continue to kiss, his hand fondling one of my breasts. He steps back for a second as he takes of his swimming shorts, then he walks back to me and takes himself in his hand stroking up and down. ''What if Ted…''

''Shhh,'' he silents me with a kiss, ''we'll be quiet, plus he always sleeps like a rock.'' He lifts one of my legs around his waist as he guides himself to my entrance. I let out a moan which he covers with his mouth when he slowly slides inside me. I try to move as I lift my other leg around him, but he stills me. ''Let me savor this, you'' he breaths out keeping me still. He feels so good inside me. He caresses my face and kiss me chastely, ''my wife,'' he whispers against my mouth, as he start to move, long and powerful strokes inside me. I lean my head back against the side of the pool, and his mouth finds my breasts. It doesn't take long before I come; I bite on my lip so that I don't cry out. 3 strokes later Christian comes with a strangled groan, his mouth on mine again.

''Hey,'' he whispers, tipping my chin and kisses me lazily. He caresses my face and wipes away my tears with his thumbs. ''Why are you crying? Did I hurt you?'' He asks questioningly. I shake my head and kiss him again; I don't think I'll ever get tired of his lips. He pulls slowly out of me, and I wince at the loss of him, my legs still around his waist. ''What's wrong?'' He asks, sadly.

''It's just…'' I sniff ''I love you so much Christian. It overwhelms me sometimes,'' he smiles shyly at me, and carries me back to the sun bed and finds a towel to dry us. He finds one of his shirts and slips it over my head, and we snuggle together again to watch the moon and the stars.

''I know this normally would be way too soon to ask, but we already have Teddy,'' he says, tensing slightly, ''I want a baby Anastasia, it might be too soon but whenever you're ready I want to try,'' he whispers the last part into my hair. I turn around and straddle him, and he looks nervously at me. ''No baby, please don't cry,'' he says wiping my tears away, again. ''We can wait, I just want to let you know that I'm ready when you are.''

I take him by his hand and lead him to our bedroom, not saying a word. We walk into the bathroom, and I look around in the cabinet, finding what I was looking for and handing it to him. It's the pregnancy test I took earlier when we arrived.

''Is this… are you… its positive.'' He says looking up at me, in shock. His eyes huge and panicked like they were the first time I told him I was pregnant, but there's something else there too. Hope.

''I'm not sure,'' I shrug, ''I mean, I'm on the pill and I've had my periods, but I'm a couple days late.'' His face starts to fade from scared to happy, ''we won't know for sure until I see a doctor, and I have more tests run on me, so we'll have to wait.'' He looks from the test to me, and back to the test.

''We might be pregnant?'' he asks, hopefully.

''We might be pregnant,'' I say nodding, and he lifts me up and twirl us around the big bathroom. He sets me down on my feet and pushes me against the wall as his mouths attacks mine. ''Christian,'' I gasp as he starts to kiss my jaw and neck, ''I don't want you to get disappointed if I'm not,'' I say looking into his eyes.

''Then we can try for real,'' he says and goes back to kiss me, lifting me up and he carries me to our bed. He carefully lays me down, and walks to the end of the bed, crawling up my body. He kisses my mouth, jaw and neck, sucking his way down. He kisses my breast sucking on my nipples, before continuing south. His lips linger on my lower stomach, giving it kisses all over, until he kisses his way down to where I want him.

The first touch of his tongue is light as a feather. The second savor me, a luxurious lick that make me gasp, and end up with a deep moan. I arch my back, clutching Christian's head, ''don't stop.'' I gasp. He hums against me, which only makes me squirm for more. He gives me more; he laps and licks nibbles and nosh. Then he slides a finger deep inside me as he gently sucks on my most sensitive spot. The sensations shapes into one shuddering peak, and I cry out, not realizing I'm yanking on his hair until the waves of pleasure has ebbs.

We lay in each other's arms, and I feel myself falling asleep. ''I love you Mrs. Grey,'' Christian murmurs into my hair, ''you are my everything, never leave me,'' he says and holds me tighter, as if I might drift away if he doesn't hold on to me.

''I won't you're my life. Never hurt me,'' I say.

He shakes his head whispers ''never'' and I fall asleep with a smile on my face.

**CHRISTIAN POV**

Greece with my little boy and wife, couldn't get happier than I am now. Well the fact that my wife might be pregnant is what's making this better. We might have a little baby, someone smaller than Teddy; I can't stop smiling when I think about it. Teddy thinks that it's really cool that we're married, and he loved that he got the same name as his daddy.

Ana is fast asleep beside me, tired after a long day in the sun. Ever since we were officially husband and wife, I can't stop wanting to pleasure my wife, I don't need anything back because pleasing Ana is what's making me happy.

I'm sitting on my computer going through mails and everything that I should do. I rather do it now late at night than use my family time on it. I'm here with my family, on a vacation not work. I hear a little knock on the door then Teddy's head peek in from the door. I close the lid on the computer and give him a smile. It's nearly 3 am, so it's too soon for him to wake up. I put a shirt on Ana while she was asleep, I don't think she noticed and I put on pajama bottoms.

''Daddy?'' He asks, with dragging out the 'y.' I look questioningly at him, ''I'm scared,'' he says looking down at his feet.

''Did you have a bad dream?'' I ask, and he nods his head not meeting my eyes, ''you wanna lie down between mommy and me?'' I ask, he looks up at me with a smile and nods his head. I lie down and take of the covers so that he can lie down between us. Ana stirs a little but she doesn't wake up. He lies down and I put my arm over his little body, and he smiles as he closes his eyes to try and sleep again. ''Good night, little man'' I say and kiss his nose; he smiles and says it back.

I close my eyes and fall asleep with a huge grin on my face, I don't think anything can top the way I'm feeling now it's not possible.

I wake up a few hours later by a little boy bouncing on top of me saying, ''swim in the pool daddy, please?'' I sit up and look over at Ana who is still asleep, it's only 7am. I nod at Teddy, and walk in the bathroom to find our swimming trunks, I take them and throw Teddy's at him, as I walk back into the bathroom and take on mine. When I walk back out he is already in his, so we walk to the pool.

When we walk outside Teddy jumps in, and I walk towards smiling like crazy thinking about last night. Teddy is standing where the water reaches up to his waist, not daring to go longer out alone. I walk to the deepest part of the pool and dive in, swimming towards Teddy. If you swim close to the bottom of the pool and swim right up behind him, he giggles, I love that sound, the same sound my wife makes. He sits on my back as I swim a few laps, laughing hysterically when I dive under the water a few seconds.

We swim a little while together, Teddy mostly splashing around, while I sit on the side watching him.

**ANA**

I'm awakening by a loud thud of a door slamming shut. I open of my eyes and see Christian standing there with a shit eating grin on his beautiful face and a grocery bag in his hands. He sits down beside me, and I prop myself up on my elbows as he takes out a handful of pregnancy tests out of the bag. I look at him questioningly and he smiles lovely at me.

''I called the housekeeper and asked her very nicely and asked her to buy a few.'' He stands up from the bed and offers me his hand. ''Let's see if we're really pregnant.'' He lifts me up from the bed, and we walk into the bathroom hand in hand.

''Where's Teddy?'' I ask as we're standing in the middle of the bathroom.

''He's watching Mickey Mouse on Greek, now let's do this,'' he tries to lift the hem of my shirt, but I stop him shaking my head. ''I wanna be here when you do this,'' he whines with a pout, ''it's nothing to be embarrassed about.''

''Christian, please'' I plead with him, and with a sigh he leaves the bathroom.

''I'll wait right outside,'' he calls out when he has closed the door.

I find a cup and sit down on the toilet; it'll be easier sticking the pregnancy tests in the cup, rather than pee on all of them. ''You can come in,'' he walks in and close the toilet lid and sit down. I open one of the pregnancy tests and stick it in the cup, and then I lie it down beside the sink and do the same to another one. I sit down on the side of the bath tub and we sit staring at each other.

''Were you scared the first time you did this?'' Christian asks sadly, looking down at his hands in his lap. I nod my head, but he can't see it.

''Terrified,'' I say and he looks up at me, '' I was only 1 day late, and I was so scared, one day isn't much to be late but I knew there could be a possibility that I was pregnant. It was positive of course; I took 2 weeks to get the courage to tell you, which is the reason I was so distant in the end,'' I smile sadly at him.

''Why didn't you want to have sex after our first time? You didn't know you were pregnant the day after,'' he asks shyly looking into my eyes.

''I was sore after our first time, and…''

''And I hurt you,'' he finishes for me.

''No, it wasn't _you_ who hurt me, it just… it would hurt whoever it was, I was scared it would always hurt'' he walks over to me, and takes me in his arms, holding me tightly.

''I'm glad it was me, sort of,'' he says with a chuckle.

''Me too,'' I smile up at him, and gives me a long lingering kiss. ''It's probably been 3 minutes now,'' we both stand up and stand by the sink not picking up the tests. ''You do it,'' I say and he reaches his hand forward to look at it, his hand lightly shaking. He looks at it and starts laughing, and I frown.

''I… I… it's in Greek,'' he laughs and takes the pack in his hand to read on the backside, ''I can't read this,'' he laughs. I take up one of the other tests, and look at it and it is indeed on Greek. ''Okay,'' he says showing me the pack, ''this is either positive or its negative.'' I slap his head.

''Of course it is either positive or negative.'' I look at all the other tests and see that it says the same on them, so if only we could understand this then the answer would be clear.

''I'll ask Diona,'' he says giving me a kiss, and walks out of the bathroom to ask the housekeeper. I sit down on the toilet with my head in my hands. Are we really ready for this? Christian has been amazing with Teddy, but Teddy is also 4 years old. There's a huge difference between a 4 year old and a baby, and I'm not sure if Christian realizes that.

Christian comes back into the room with a frown and a pout. ''We can always try again,'' I say and he shakes his head, still not looking at me. ''Of course we can,'' I stand up and stroke his arm; I didn't know this would make him this sad. He shakes his head again. I stand in front of him, and make him look at me, and he has a single tear falling down his cheek.

''We're pregnant,'' he whispers and he lays a hand on my lower stomach ''our baby is in here,'' I stare at him through my tears. He smiles at me with tears also in his eyes ''I love you so much Ana, I'm going to do this right this time.'' I laugh and sob at the same time.

''Well this explains all the crying,'' I sob and he wipes away my tears, ''we're both doing this right this time. I love you Christian, and I love our little family.''

''Me too,'' he leans down and kisses me slow and sweetly. ''Let's take out our son and explore the island.'' He says and we walk out hand in hand.

**I hope you all liked it. **


	25. Chapter 25

''Mommy! Daddy! Let's go!'' Teddy shouts from outside our bedroom door.

''Give us a second buddy'' Christian shouts back. ''Baby you look beautiful, come on'' I turn sideways and stare at my stomach that's popping out and sigh. Christian sits down the bag he has in his hands and stands behind me, draping his arms around me and lays his hands on my stomach. ''Baby you're 5 months pregnant,'' he always gets mad when I complain over getting fat, and scowls me like a petulant child. ''We just bought new clothes, just for this trip. You look amazing, Teddy wants to leave, like now, and everyone that looks at you can see that you're pregnant and not fat.'' I lean my head back against his chest as he continues to caress my belly. ''You're so beautiful,'' he whispers in my ear.

I smile and turn around and peck his lips. ''Christian you're making us late, let's go!'' I say mimicking Teddy's voice and he laughs and playfully spanks me on my ass. He lifts up the bag again and takes my hand and we walk out of our room and Teddy is standing there with his arms folded taping his foot. Both Christian and I can't hold back our laughter at the sight of our angry 4 year old. ''I'm sorry Teddy, daddy was being difficult, but we're ready now.''

''_I_ was being difficult Mrs. Grey?'' I nod, and he kiss the side of my head ''now you're in trouble.'' He says handing me the bag. He starts running up behind Teddy and throwing him over his shoulder making him squeal, and we make our way over to the car.

A couple months ago Christian bought us a house, and he really had been listening to me when I told him that I didn't want an over the top house. It's still an amazing house, that normally people wouldn't have afforded and too big for us, but it's so cute and beautiful. I told him that the house was on the big side, but he had just answer with, ''we will have more kids, Ana.'' So now we live here, and I love it.

We also a couple months ago got security. With time the media is getting more and more curious about Christian, and about the Charlie Tango incident. Christian didn't want security, said he could protect his own family. But Carrick made an argument that really shook him.

* * *

''_No dad, we're not getting security end of discussion.'' Christian raises his voice, and Grace takes Teddy and walks out of the room. I scoot closer to him and hold his hand. _

''_Christian, maybe we should…''_

''_No!… I said no Ana,'' he says a little gentler now, apologizing with his eyes. ''We don't need it dad, I'm fully capable of taking care and make sure that my family is safe.'' _

''_I don't think you are, Christian.'' Carrick says and I feel Christian tensing. All his life all Christian has ever wanted was his dad approval. ''When you are at the office and Ana is home with Teddy, you're not protecting her. If there's a gun pointed at you all, who do you safe, your 4 year old son or your pregnant wife?'' I feel Christian tense more. ''Ana's pregnant Christian, keep your unborn child safe. If someone wants you they'll go after her. Get security Christian.'' _

''_Okay,'' he whispers._

* * *

''Baby, you coming?'' Christian asks standing in front of our car. I nod and walk over to the car and place the bag in the back, before sitting in the back seat beside Christian.

''Daddy are we going skiing?'' Christian leans down and whisper something in Teddy's ear, Teddy look over at me before nodding and giving Christian a thumps up.

''What's that about?'' I whisper into Christian's ear.

''Nothing to worry about, baby'' he says and kisses the side of my head. It's no secret that we're going skiing; we're going to Aspen so of course we're going skiing. I've never been to Aspen or skied before, so I'm looking forward to that. I lean my head down on Christian's shoulder and close my eyes, thinking back to the time when we got home from Greece and told Carrick and Grace about our marriage.

* * *

''_How was the vacation?'' Grace asks as she places a few snacks down on the table in front of us. _

''_Long needed,'' Christian says looking at me and winks. Grace hands Teddy a glass of milk, and his hands go right to the cookies in front of us. ''It was a good trip,'' Christian says reaching for my hand. Grace sits down on the other couch. Mia is seated between Carrick and Grace, and they're all smiling at us. Christian strokes my hand, and Mia gasps which makes us all look at her. She's sitting there with one of her hands over mouth and the other pointing at us._

''_You're engaged'' she whisper. ''You're engaged!'' she shrieks jumping up and down. Carrick and Grace turn their attention from Mia to us, looking at us with raised eyebrows. Christian looks nervously down at me and I nod at him. _

''_No, we're not engaged…'' he says letting out a breath. ''We got married,'' I bite my lip nervously waiting for their reaction. None of them answers, and Christian lifts my hand and kisses it. _

''_No!'' Grace shouts, and Christian lets go of my hand. ''No, no, no'' she mutters. ''Why are you doing this to me?'' She asks Christian, and we're both in shock. ''Carrick,'' she says turning to look at him ''what's wrong with our sons?'' _

''_I… we… I thought you would be happy for us.'' Christian says looking disappointed by her reaction, and confused. Grace looks back at us with a look of 'are you serious?' _

''_Of course I'm happy for you,'' she says ''it's just… I want… why can't… I want a wedding!'' She pouts, ''I want to plan my son's wedding, I want to see the moment my son says 'I do' why couldn't you let my dreams come true?'' _

''_Mom,'' Christian says standing up and walking over to his mother and giving her a hug. ''We wanted to do it that way,'' he says and whisper something else in her ear, she dries the few tears that escaped and nods. _

''_Congratulation'' she says walking over to me and giving me a hug ''you have made my baby boy so happy, thank you'' she whispers in my ear. I smile at her, and we all sit back down. Christian then whispered in my ear what he told his mother, that because I didn't want a wedding without my father we did it the way we did. _

''_Ted,'' Christian says to our son who has his face full of cookies. ''You want to tell grandma and grandpa our other surprise?'' Teddy dries his mouth and nods. He sits on the couch with a look like he knows a big secret no one else knows, tapping his fingers against each other. _

''_I'm gonna be a big brother,'' he says with a proud look. ''Mommy is having a baby.''_

* * *

''Mommy, let's go'' Teddy says, I open my eyes and see a private yet outside the window. Taylor takes some of the bags and Christian takes a few and we walk to the plane. We greet the pilot and we sit down ready for takeoff. Teddy is sitting between us and he and Christian are whispering between them.

''Am I going to be left out this entire trip?'' I ask looking at Christian. He looks with me and gives me a little smile and shakes his head ''well it feels like that,'' I say pouting, not looking at him. ''Teddy what have daddy been whispering to you?''

He looks up at me then turns his head to look at Christian and then back up at me. ''We talked about skiing, but daddy says we shouldn't talk about in front of you because it will hurt your feelings.'' I look up at Christian with a frown.

''Why would it hurt my feelings that you're talking about our ski trip?'' I ask, and then we start moving, and the pilot says something over the intercom but I don't hear it still looking at Christian. He doesn't say something all the way up in the sky, and he's looking out the window not meeting my eyes. When we get the message that we can start moving around he's still not looking at me. ''Christian!'' I say and he looks at me with an unreadable face. ''Why would I get hurt?''

''Because you're not coming with us, and I know how much you want to try skiing'' he says, still with the unreadable face.

''Of course I'm coming with you. Don't you want me to?'' I ask, hurt by what he's saying and I feel a tear escape.

''Baby…'' he whispers shaking his head ''you're pregnant Ana, it's not safe.'' I unbuckle my seatbelt not looking at him and I walk to the bedroom in the back, slamming the door and laying down on the bed, with my face mashed down in the pillow, stifling my scream. Suddenly I feel Christian's arms around and he lifts me onto his lap. ''Baby, shhhh'' he rocks me back and forth and I'm mad at him and don't really want him holding me, but it feels so good. ''I knew this would turn out like this.''

''Why are we even going? What am I supposed to do while you're having fun? Why am I even here?'' I continue to cry and he continues to sooth me. I snuggle closer into his chest, ''why?''

''Because we love you. Because there's so much more we can do together than just skiing. I know that Teddy wants to slide with you in a toboggan. Build a snowman, make snow angels… Baby I need you and our baby girl safe.'' He says kissing the top of my head ''and when we're gone, you can relax have a lazy day, read a book take a bath, enjoy yourself.'' He shifts so that I'm straddling him. ''You're home with our son every day, and then when I get home you have to deal with me as well,'' he smiles. ''How long has it been since you've had your own day? Doesn't it sound nice?''

I nod my head, and rest my head on his shoulder. ''I like dealing with you,'' I whisper.

''Do you?'' he asks, taking my face in his hand and kisses me, and I forget why I was mad to begin with. ''I love you,'' he whispers against my lips ''and our daughter,'' he smiles and caress my baby bump, smiling at me.

* * *

''Baby, wake up we're getting ready for landing,'' Christian says lifting me up and carrying me back to my seat, kissing my forehead before taking his seat again. I look down at Teddy and he's looking up at me with huge sad eyes.

''I'm sorry mommy, I didn't mean to make you sad.'' He says and leans his head on my arm in an attempt on a hug.

''No Teddy bear, you didn't make me sad, it's just that sometimes mommy needs to cry'' I say running my hand over my stomach ''you did nothing wrong.'' He smiles up at me and he places his hand over my stomach too, rubbing it. I can feel movements inside, but neither Christian nor Teddy has been able to feel it yet.

When I first started noticing movements with Teddy I was so scared that I started crying, it made it all more real. Dad came running into my room asking me what was wrong, and when I told him what it was he started smiling and crying. I didn't let my dad see or feel my belly I always felt uncomfortable about it. I miss him so much.

When I first started feeling movements this time, I was so happy, I woke Christian up in the middle of the night. He was disappointed when he didn't feel anything, but he still had happy tears. 2 weeks after we got home from Greece, I had this tiny little baby bump sticking out. I was standing sideways in the mirror looking at the little bump in front of me when Christian walked in and he was shocked. He hadn't stopped feeling my belly and was surprised that he hadn't noticed it earlier.

Suddenly I hear Teddy's loud squeal and I realize that we're soon touching ground. Teddy always love this part, he loves that it shakes the moment we touch ground and that we're almost glued to our seat by the speed we're driving. This is the part I hate the most, and I always grip Christian's hand to my knuckles are white. He always grimaces when I let go of his hand but he never complains and always offer me his hand.

* * *

''Wow'' Teddy says looking up at the big house in front of us.

''Christian please say we're not spending the weekend here?'' I ask folding my arms, I hate that he always wants to do everything big. He looks at me and then he starts walking towards the house. ''Christian it's too big for us... Well I'm getting my own room,'' I say walking past him, and he's soon by my side again.

''I'll sneak in every night,'' he whispers in my ear ''every night baby, you me alone after Teddy's in bed. Looking forward to it,'' he says making Goosebumps to rise everywhere. I turn around when I get hit by something in my back, and Teddy is standing there grinning trying to look innocent and points at Taylor who is just a few steps behind him. Taylor just chuckles and shakes his head as I gather snow up in my hands making a snow ball. I throw it at Christian and when he turns around I point at Teddy. ''If you weren't pregnant baby…'' he says shaking his head leaving the sentence undone.

* * *

''Teddy is in bed now,'' Christian says as he slips under the covers. ''I've shown him the way to our room about a hundred times, I sat with him reading a book while he fell asleep, so he's okay.'' He lay down and props himself up on his elbow smiling at me. ''You know what I love about you?''

''No idea,'' I say lying down on my side looking up at him. He shakes his head and leans down and kisses me long and hard. ''Now you have to tell me,'' I say ''what do you love about me? Top 3.''

''Top 3? No way can I sum it up to only 3 things,'' he says pouting. ''But… I love that no matter how big our bed is,'' he says stroking his finger up and down my arm ''you always seems to fall asleep practically on top of me.'' He laughs.

''Well you're really warm and cuddly, you know.''

''I love that you're an amazing cook; you're really amazing in the kitchen. Especially barefoot and pregnant,'' he smiles trailing his finger down to my stomach. ''And I love that you're having all my babies,'' he smile ''and that you're mine.''

''That's 4… but they were lovely, thank you'' I turn around to turn off the light, but Christian's hands grabs my waist forcing me to turn back.

''No you don't,'' he says rolling on top of me, I smile up at him biting my lip ''don't play cute Ana.'' He says leaning down kissing me ''what do you love about me?''

''Ehm… Your money, your car and this'' I say trailing my hand down his stomach and longer down until I grip him and start moving my hand up and down. He grown and leans his head backwards.

''Tell me.''

''I love how compassionate you are,'' I say and he lets out a moan as I continue to stroke him, ''I love how much you love your family'' another moan, ''and I love that you're my husband.'' He looks down and smiles sweetly at me, as he dips his head and moves his lips against mine, probing it open with his tongue. ''And that you let me have your babies,'' I say as he starts kissing my neck, and I can feel a smile on his lips. His hands find their way to my panties pushing them down, ''and I love,'' I say when he's pushed them down to my ankles ''that you always sleep naked at night.''

He smiles against my mouths as he slowly sinks in to me, making me gasp. He stills ones his fully inside, then he slowly pulls back and he does that over and over again. ''Open those beautiful eyes, baby'' he says and my eyes immediately meets his. ''I love you so much,'' he says and starts moving faster and faster until we come together.


	26. PLEASE READ

**Author Note**

* * *

**I have one more chapter then I think I won't post anymore. It's not that I don't like the story anymore, because I love this story. I know I've been insecure and doubtful about the story, but I have chapters here that I'm really proud of, and that I don't think I'll ever top. But I don't feel this story anymore, I feel like you don't feel it anymore. **

**I'm not bitter, it might seem that way but I'm not. I've grown from stories before, I have stories here on FF that I follow but don't read longer because I don't feel the story like I used to do when I followed. So I understand that this story is disappearing from your memories, and its okay, it was fun as long as it lasted. **

**I know this is a stupid place to quit, but I don't see the point in posting more. I'll finish the story for me because that's something I need to do, but I won't post it. It's not that I don't want to, because I do, I really want to continue pleasing you guys but I feel like there's no longer people to pleas when it comes to this story. **

**I'll continue with ''a drunken mistake'' I really feel your love there, and it's been amazing, so I'm not giving up writing or this story, but I'm giving up this story on FF. **

**IF YOU'RE TOTALLY AGAINST THIS, PLEASE DO SAY SO. IF THERE IS ANYONE OUT THERE TO PLEAS I'LL PLEAS YOU, I JUST NEED TO KNOW IF ANYONE STILL LIKE THIS STORY, OR I WON'T BOTHER ANYMORE.**


	27. Chapter 27

**I actually am pleased with this chapter, so I hope you all like it too. And if you like it PLEASE let me know.**

* * *

**CHRISTIAN**

''Stay close to daddy, okay?'' I tell Teddy as soon as he's gotten his skis on. He seems eager to start _now_, but I need to put on my own skis first. I left a note on my pillow to Ana when we left, she was still asleep and since this is her relax day I didn't want to wake her up. _''Wait!''_ I say to Teddy, as he tries for a third time to go without me.

''But dad…'' he whines, ''you said I was the boss today, and I'm saying we're going now!'' He says with a pout, he really is an impatient little boy.

''I'm ready now, buddy'' I say patting him on his back ''let's go. But stay right in front of me okay?'' I ask, and he nods. ''If you want to take off your skis and walk, that's okay. And if you want to turn around and go, we'll do that. You're the boss,'' he grins, and starts sliding. He already got the techniques in, without anyone telling him how.

I guess the basic isn't that hard, it'll be harder up the hills or down them. But we're taking this as it goes, and he'll tell me what he can't and can do. There are not many people out now, which is one of the reasons I wanted to go early. We're walking in the tracks all alone, I can't see anyone around, which is good since we're taking this in Teddy's pace, which means; slow.

* * *

Teddy walks and walks, never turning around and never giving up; it looks like he's out on a mission. He's fallen a few times but he always gets right up again and continues to walk, or slide. There haven't been any big hills yet, only a few we didn't really notice except it went a little faster there when we went down a few small ones. I've been trying to avoid the big hills, but I know there's coming a few ahead of us.

''Uh oh,'' Ted says looking up the biggest hill on this route. He turns around to look at me, and he looks nervous.

''Let's carry our skis up,'' I say starting to make own off before helping Teddy. He takes his skis in both of his hands, and I take his ski poles and we start walking up the hill. ''Okay, buddy?'' I ask when we're half the way up; he's walking carefully which is good, and safer. He nods his head, but doesn't turn around. Maybe he's gotten some of Ana's height fright.

We get to the tip of the hill without trouble, and I take first my own skis this time, so that Teddy doesn't decide to start on his own. I know for a little while at least there's only flat, but we need to come down from this height and I don't know how Teddy will react to that. He's only 4 and I'm really proud of him, he's doing better than I ever would at that age. I didn't ski until I was 10, and I was scared back then, so he's doing pretty amazing.

We get to a little uphill and Teddy tries walking normally but only slides back. ''Daddy!'' he laughs, but doesn't give up. ''Help me,'' he say, still laughing, barely being able to stand on his own two feet.

''Try to go like this…'' I say showing him the different ways to go up. I show him how to go sideways and he gets that technique pretty quickly too. I walk fishtail up the hill, something I've always done after Elliot showing it to me, back when we used to go skiing in Aspen as kids. ''You wanna take a break?'' I ask when his pace slows down. He nods and we walk over to a down snowed bench. ''Let's drink the hot chocolate mommy made us last night,'' I say fishing the thermos out of my back pack. Ana made lots of hot chocolate last night, so I only had to heat it this morning, so we could take it with us on our trip.

He takes of his little back pack and takes out the biscuits and chocolate Ana packed him. We sit there for a little while, and a few people pass us, mostly elderly people. ''Are you ready to continue?'' I ask, ''or do you want to go back to the car?'' He shakes his head.

''If we turn around we need to go down that long hill'' he says nervously.

''We have to turn around sometime, Ted,'' I say giving him a reassuring smile ''but we'll take of our skis and walk down, or you can sit down and slide down.'' He puts the rest of his biscuits down in his back pack. ''Teddy, what do you want to do?''

''I don't want you think I'm a baby for turning around.'' I put out my arms for him and he walks over to me and in to my lap.

''Teddy…'' I say shaking my head ''I won't ever think that. You are my baby boy, and you're the toughest 4 year old I know of'' I say and he smiles shyly up at me. ''And you've been amazing today buddy, I'm so proud of you.'' I say and hug him to my chest. ''You know what?'' I ask and he shakes his head, ''I think we need to come back one day, and maybe have Uncle Elliot with us, so you can show him how much better than him you are.'' He looks up at me grinning and nods his head.

''I want to go little longer,'' he says jumping off my lap. We walk a little bit before we turn around. When we get to the long hill down, Teddy takes off his ski and slide down on his butt and I take mine off walking down carrying our skis and poles. Teddy seems more confident now, and like he enjoys it more. ''I don't know if I can ski down this one, daddy.'' He says pointing at another hill down, it's not that long.

''Teddy come here,'' I say putting him in front of me. I take his ski poles and hold them in my hand. ''Turn your skis inwards, like this…'' I say showing him and he does the same. ''If you want it to go slower, you can tell me, but you can lean your skis more inwards then you'll get more control over your speed. And if you fall its okay, nothing to be embarrassed about,'' He nods and turns his ski inwards, trying to adjust and readjust a few times. ''You ready? We'll do it together,'' he nods and he counts to 3, then we slide forward at a slow pace.

I look down at Teddy's ski trying to adjust after them so that he doesn't immediately stop and I run right into his back. When we get to the flat part again, I take hold of his shoulders and slow down. ''Woohooo'' he squeals, ''that was so much fun, daddy!''

''You did amazing…'' he looks up at me with a pride smile on his face ''let's get something to eat… I'm thinking burgers and shake.'' I say and he gets a hopeful look on his face.

''Yeah,'' he says giving me a high five.

We make our way back to the car without a problem. There are more people now, but we aren't going the same way since they just got here. It's still early, too early to return home at least, Ana deserves more time alone.

* * *

''Was that fun?'' I ask Teddy as we drive around looking for a restaurant. We took off all our gear and are now sitting in normal clothes again. ''Teddy?'' I ask, looking in rearview mirror, and he has his head leaned against the window, asleep.

I take out my phone and call Elliot; he's been in Spain for the last month, trying to clear his head after his divorce. He knows it was the best decision, but he's allowed to be hurt by it; no one is judging him for it.

''Bro,'' he answer, sounding as cheerful as ever. ''How's Aspen? Ana take the ski news well?''

''Hi, yeah the news went okay I guess, a few tears but that's nothing new'' I say and he chuckles. ''Teddy and I just finished our ski trip, he's pretty good. He wants to show Uncle Elliot how good he is one time.''

''I would love to,'' he answer and I hear him walking out into traffic or something, I'm hearing lots of car horns. ''How is my little man?''

''Asleep, he didn't want to stop going further. So I had to remind him that we were going the same distance back, and we turned around… Where are you?'' I ask as the noise get's louder and louder.

''Only at the hotel. There's been a car accident outside so it's pretty crazy out here.''

''How're you doing?'' I ask, as I just drive around and around. I've stopped looking for a restaurant since Teddy is asleep, we'll go when he's awake.

''Fine, great actually. I needed this you know, change of scene and all'' he says. ''Plus thanks to mom I know the language fluent so that helps.''

''That's good. Want to do something the 3 of us when you get back? Bowling or something like that? Teddy would love that.''

''Sure, I'll call when the time comes… '' I hear a door slide and some murmuring on the other line ''Listen Christian, I have to go,'' he says. So we say our goodbyes and I dial Ana's phone number. She doesn't answer at first, or second. But when I call the third time, she answers with her sweet amazing voice.

''Hi,'' she says.

''Hi, baby…'' I hear water splatter around a little ''are you in the bathtub?''

''Yep, it's been a great day, Christian, thank you… Are you coming home now?''

''Nah, Teddy is asleep, we're going to eat something when he wakes up, so continue your relax day…'' I hear her hum as the sound of more water splash comes. ''He was really good today, amazing actually.''

''Talking like a proud father,'' she whispers.

''The proudest'' I whisper back. ''How's my daughter? Is she being good to you today?''

''Yes, she's been amazing. Stopped kicking me after breakfast, I think she'll get your temper tough.'' She giggles. ''I've been thinking about names,'' she says ''let's talk about it when you get home, there's this one name I really love, and I'm not sure what you'll think of it, but it's really beautiful.''

''Okay, I have a few swirling around in my head as well… I love that Teddy is named after my grandfather, and I can't thank you enough for that, but I want our daughter to have her own name.''

''Let's talk about it later,'' she whispers relaxed. ''I love you Mr. Grey.''

''I love you too Mrs. Grey, so much… You should've been my wife years ago,'' I say in the same whispered voice as she used. ''Mrs. Grey'' I murmur, still loving the sound of it. ''Anastasia Rose Grey, you are the love of my life,'' I say.

''Back at you, husband,'' she giggles ''I'll see you later.''

We stay on the line a little longer, not really wanting to hang up.

* * *

I've just ordered Teddy and mine's burgers and shakes, and he's already looking at the dessert menu. He woke up about 30 minutes after Ana and I hung up. I was parked in a parking lot going through my email when he told me he was hungry and he was just sitting there looking bored, like he never even slept.

''When we get home,'' he starts putting down the menu looking at me. ''Can we have a snowball fight? You, me, mommy and Taylor can play too if he wants to?''

''Sure we can, buddy. But I'm not sure if mommy should be with us in a snowball fight.''

''She has to!'' he says pouting, ''or mommy will get sad again, I don't like it when mommy is sad.''

''I know buddy, me neither. But you know mommy need to keep your baby sister safe, so we can't throw snowballs at her and hurt her or the baby.'' He frowns but then nods his head in agreement. Then he looks brightly at me, like he just had the world's greatest idea, ever.

''Can't the baby just come out then we can play? The baby can play too.'' He says with a big smile on his face.

''The baby isn't ready to come out yet, but there's still things we can do with mommy.'' I say looking at him, hoping he doesn't ask me all that 'where do babies come from?' because I'm not sure I can have that conversation with my 4 year old without Ana.

''What is the baby doing there?'' He asks with yet another frown.

''That's where the baby lives until she's ready to come out. So in 4 months when she's ready, you'll have a little baby sister,'' I say smiling at him. ''That's where you were until you were ready to come out, too.''

''But, what is she doing in there? Is she lonely? Does it have to be a _girl?_''

''This time it's a girl, and I know that you will be a good big brother and protect her,'' I say and he nods his head. ''But the baby is living inside mommy, that's where she sleeps and eats, and no buddy she's not lonely. Because the baby can hear our voices, so she hears when mommy is talking to her and when I am talking to her, and she loves when her big brother Teddy talks to her.''

''Really?'' He grins, ''how do you know?''

''Yes, really. When you talk to the baby, mommy can feel how happy she is'' he frowns but accepts my answer, then he grins again.

He picks up the desert menu again, and we don't talk until the food gets here. Then after that we order Teddy's favorite desert, then we head home to Ana.

* * *

''Ana! We're home,'' I say when we walk in the door. Teddy takes off his shoes and jacket, and I walk past him looking for Ana. I walk upstairs and into our bedroom, but she's not there. I walk into the bathroom, and she's still in the bathtub. I look down on my watch and see that it's almost 3 hours since I spoke to Ana. ''Baby, how long have you been here?'' I ask, sitting down beside the tub and lift her wrinkly hand. ''Ana, it can't be good or healthy to be here this long. Come on,'' I say standing up and offer my hands to her, ''let's get you out of here.''

''But… but Christian… it felt so nice and warm.'' I dunk my hand into the water one more time and feel that it's still warm; I look up at Ana questioningly. ''I've refilled it a few times,'' she says giggling at my expression. ''And I know what you did mister,'' she says pointing her finger at me. I walk over to the cabinets finding her a couple of towels. ''I know that you made Taylor stay behind to look after me,'' she pouts.

''It was the right thing to do,'' I say handing her one towel to dry her body, as I start drying her hair. ''What if you had fallen or anything would've happen to you or the baby? It wasn't safe leaving you behind,'' I say.

''He stood outside the bathroom door about 20 times, afraid that I was drowning in here,'' she whines. We walk into our room, and I find her some clothes then I head for the door way, when she grabs my hand and pulls me back. ''Are you mad?''

''No,'' I say ''I just need to get back to Teddy. I'm glad you are okay, that the baby is okay, but I will not be sorry for thinking about what's best for you,'' I say then I walk to door. I turn around and walk back, feeling like an asshole. She's standing in the exact same position, still looking at the door. ''I love you, I'm not pissed, I'm just tired. I love you,'' I say one more time, and she smiles and says it back, and I go to look for Teddy.

I walk out in the hall, and see that he's just left everything on the floor. I pick up his jacket, and place his shoes and jacket in the closet. I walk into the kitchen but he's not there, I look out over the living room and he isn't there either. I walk to his room, but he's not there. I walk around in circles a few times, viewing the whole place from the kitchen. ''Teddy?'' I call out.

''The couch, sir'' I hear Taylor's voice behind me, and I walk over to the couch and there he is asleep, again. I lift him up and meet Ana on her way down the stairs as I carry him up to his room. Ana stops and kisses his head, and then I continue my way to his room and put him down. I stay there a few seconds to be sure he didn't wake up on the way up. I kiss him on his cheek again then I walk back downstairs to Ana.

* * *

We sit in front of the fire, just looking at things, enjoying each other and the heat. ''I'm thinking of buying this house,'' I say stroking Ana's arm up and down, while my other hand is rested on her baby bump.

''I know you are,'' she whispers snuggling closer to my chest, and leaning her head on my shoulder. ''I don't know why, though.''

''We'll probably want to come back sometime, don't you think?'' I ask, and she shrugs. ''Maybe we want to come back next winter, with our little girl. Maybe we'll come back just you and me, my parents can have the kids for a weekend when she's old enough for us to leave her for a little while,'' I say stroking both my hands on her stomach. ''I'll teach you how to ski, but you probably don't need me to teach you anything. We can come back in the summer, going fishing or hiking. There's an endless list Ana… What do you say, are we buying this house?''

She turns her head slightly and looks up at me with a smile on her lips and whispers ''Okay.'' I lean my head down towards her and kiss her lips sweetly. ''About baby names,'' she says before I can deepen the kiss. She gets off my lap and sits in front of me. ''Should we write them down, or?'' I shake my head and she continues. ''Okay, I'll say what I've been thinking of, and you can say what you've been thinking of.'' She smiles, ''you start.''

''Ehm… you start'' I say smiling back at her, ''you said you wasn't sure I would like the name, so let's hear it. And please don't say 'Gladys' or 'Ethel' or 'Petunia' and for the love of god don't say 'Grace' We're not naming her that as a first name, a middle name sure, but I said I wanted her to have her own name.''

''Are you finished?'' She asks, with a look of annoyance, and I nod. ''Okay good,'' she smiles ''ehm… uh… I'm not sure how you'll react to it, but please have an open mind.''

''Just say it, I promise to think about it.''

''Ella,'' she says biting her lower lip.

''You want to name our daughter after my birth mother?! Who was the shittiest person in the whole world?! What are you thinking?'' I ask, standing up pacing the floor back and forth, like I do when I'm at the verge of losing my mind. ''No!''

''Christian… It's a lovely name, I really like it. She was your mother, she gave birth to you and loved you…''

''She did not love me!''

''Remember when you told me some of your best memories from your childhood? You said that there was a memory where you and your mother were baking a chocolate cake for your birthday. Tell me you don't love that memory, tell me you didn't love your mother.'' She says with tears in her eyes, and I have no idea why she's crying at this.

''I don't love that memory, I didn't love her'' I say turning away from Ana.

''That's a lie, and you know it'' she says standing up and walking beside me. It's first when Ana's hands on my face, that I also notice my tears. ''It's okay to love her, I know that she hurt you badly, but she was your mom.'' She strokes my cheeks and look up at me a sad smile and tears in her eyes. I take my thumbs and brush them away, as I lean down and kiss her. ''Ella Grace Grey, don't you like it?''

''Ana… I can't'' I choke out, and I turn my head away from her again.

''It's okay Christian, it was just a thought. I didn't know it would upset you this much…'' She takes my hand and we walk back over to the couch, ''I love you'' she says as I hold her on my lap. ''I would never hurt your feeling intentionally.''

''I know you wouldn't'' I whisper, ''and I love you too… I'm sorry, do you have other suggestions?''

''A few, I like Alexandra but maybe it resembles my own name… ehm… Natasha resembles mine too. Scarlett or Charlotte or… I really don't know what's yours?''

''I like Phoebe'' I say kissing the top of her head.

''Phoebe,'' she says testing the word ''Phoebe Grey… Phoebe Grace Grey, I love it… We have a name!'' she says excited. ''Our daughter has a name.'' Her hands joins mine on her stomach, ''you have a name Phoebe... we love you Phoebe girl'' she says and looks up at me with tears in her eyes. ''It's a beautiful name, Christian.''

''A beautiful name for our beautiful girl,'' I whisper, laying Ana down on the couch and crawl over her. Pushing her T-shirt up revealing her stomach, and kiss it over and over again. ''Hey princess,'' I whisper against Ana's belly ''daddy loves you so much, Phoebe.'' I look up at Ana, and her tears are streaming down. I place my hand on her stomach as I hover over Ana, kissing her.

But then I suddenly freeze, when I feel something against my hand. ''Can you feel that?'' Ana asks, with a smile her eyes still full of tears, and I'm stunned all I can do is nod. ''She's says 'I love you too, daddy' I'm sure of it.'' I sit back, with my hand still at the same spot as Phoebe is kicking, at loss for words. ''You okay, Christian?'' Ana asks, also sitting up.

''Yes,'' I gasp ''I… I feel her, she's in here. That's our baby girl'' I feel tears forming in my eyes too. ''God, that's amazing, there's a little person her that we've created.'' I close my eyes and hope that the happiness I'm feeling now never disappears, right in this moment I'm so fucking happy.

* * *

**A/N: I'm nervous to hear your thoughts on this, maybe it was a bit much in the end, but I liked writing it. With ''a drunken mistake' there's a bit hate in it, so it's nice having this happy story to switch to when I need to.**

**I'm trying to end the chapters on a good note, since I don't know when I'll be posting next, so it wouldn't be fair to you to leave a chapter in a cliffhanger. **


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